To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

Would make sense, but he doesn't seem to assertive enough to actually get hold of the papers and stop her interfering. Maybe a diagnosis/capacity assessment would help him do so.

all the time y9u keep doing what you are doing, then your M doesn't need to consent to having SS care and SS know this and know the guilt will make you keep doing it

you need to stop so it breaks a bit so they can get help

Has your grandmother been assessed for capability. You could try a homemade one for starters. Give her loads of information perhaps financial as she's having problems with bills and at the end ask her a question. If she gives a totally nonsensical answer you need to get her assessed. The paramedics did this with DMiL when they were training a new paramedic. She read her the head injury protocol and when they asked if she understood she thought for a bit and answered boat.

OP I am getting a strong sense of your feelings of gratitude towards your GPS, because they certainly were the lesser of 2 evils when compared against your mother. Threads where adult children of less than perfect parents, who now find themselves in a caring role, often break down into 2 camps, the “ leave them to it you don’t owe them anything” and “ do what you can but don’t burn yourself out”. I’m in the later camp, if only because it’s pretty impossible for most people to just walk away. Fact is there isn’t going to be an easy solution but maybe this is the crisis that is needed to move things along. There is going to have to be intervention from outside agencies. GP, social services. GM is gong to kick off as that is how she has been getting what she wants, people will have to ignore it not back down, gain control of the finances . It starts with a capacity assessment , if she doesn’t have capacity then GM seems the obvious person to gain control. Maybe Age Concern can help too, I’m sure they will have experience of elderly spouses being financially abused.

She’s abusive and manipulative - MH / cognitive problems or not. This is meant completely kindly btw, but you are in no way indebted to them. You will look back and likely deeply regret the stress this caused you during your baby’s precious first few months. You have to be absolutely firm and cut them out completely for a while. Think about some counselling for yourself to help recover from your upbringing & why this is ongoing. 💐

OP so sorry for everything you and your GFare going through. GM sounds very abusive, financially and emotionally and it also sounds like there is cohesive control going on here. I would raise this with your local safeguarding team. I would be surprised if the police haven't made a safeguarding referral, but I would do one myself were I you. I would also explain in detail the patterns of behaviour, threats and what appears to be self neglect.

I would also distance myself and focus upon building a healthy network of friends through mother and baby groups. I found some life long friends through these groups. Until you have external support I would distance myself from your grandparents. You have also been abused and will likely be in need of some support. I really do hope that you get some help in what sounds like a complex and complicated situation. Take care.

I am so sorry that you suffered so much. Horrendous.

@LookSharpFixUp You know, you are truly amazing. You've survived a hellish upbringing and being at the beck and call of an abusive grandmother and a milquetoast grandfather. Wow.

At this point I think it's time for you to take a HUGE step back and go NC with both your grandparents. Your GM is abusive and vile. Your GF lays you on the altar of her abuse and refuses to defend you. He enables the abuse. He has even said that his loyalty is to her even though he knows you suffer from her treatment. I don't care if he later defended you to the police (if that's even true), he certainly doesn't do anything to stop her, he just picks up the pieces. In my mind, he's just as bad as she is. If I were you, I'd go NC with both of them. Her because of the abuse and lies, him because he enables it, puts up with it, and then expects you to bail him out, financially, physically, and emotionally. You are going to 'break' one of these days if you don't do something about this cycle. And the best thing would be NC with them both. Remember, your 1st priority is to yourself. And making yourself your first priority is making your DD your first priority. A healthy, happy mum means a healthy happy child. Drop the rope.

Is there any way at all that you can move? Even a hour or two away might make it easier for you to separate yourself from them.

You sound like a lovely mum @EuclidianGeometryFan

out of interest what was grandma like while you were growing up/part caring for you? Was she kind, caring or just ‘better than your mum’? X

Can I just say, you sound like an amazing woman to have coped with all this so far - and having a tiny baby to take care of too! You've been dealing with difficulties for such a long time and it's really time to put yourself and your baby first. I hope your Grandfather can get the support he needs to manage at home with GM, the police should really involve social services. It's right that you take a step back and let them take over. Look after yourself lovely 💐

@LookSharpFixUp Do not apologise for triggering people they have the option of walking away from your post if they want.

it is hard on a public site to say things that will engage you properly because it involves taking our own boundaries down about our own lives.

So you may not relate to who you are hearing here.

I am prepared to say that i experienced an abusive upbringing, but adored the grandparents that between them had produced young adults who were ill equipped to parent me and my siblings.

I have to say it was not as severe a dysfunction as what you have been through.

My GPS were my sanctuary too but as i got older i realised that they were part of the whole storyline. For my parents who failed me.

For me i realised it was not about pointing fingers and blaming people as we are just flawed humans. But also i realised that once i had children i needed to realise that the buck stopped with me, i needed to remove myself from some of the emotional manipulations of those who i loved and loved me most.

Because i had to put all my effort in to my future and that of my children.

And not obsess about whatever needs they had, or have.

You can keep your family they are who they are, have an eye on who you want to be and what you want for your family as in you and your child.

If it looks nothing like what you have then you must step away and seek your ideals for your child. And make your adult life a life that your child will thank you for.

I did that and you can too.

Op I'm sorry you had such an awful childhood.

Lots of people are assuming your Grandparents are elderly, I'm guessing you yourself are quite young, and your mum had you young they might only be in their 60s

OP It might be useful to make a list (a list, not a narrative) of every single thing that is problematic. Everyting including the most seemingly minor. What they do, what you do, finances, verbal abuse, soiling of clothes, hiding post, debts, mouldy food, manipulation, the lot. Might run to several pages. Then make a few copies which you can hand to SS, GP, Police, etc.as and when required. This will ensure that everyone gets a full picture of what is going on without you having to struggle or get upset under pressure, and even minor details are not omitted.
The only thing that I can add is that my mother displayed totally different behaviour depending on who she was talking to. Her GP thought she was fine, I thought she was just getting forgetful, the sheltered housing warden had no concerns. It was a care assistant that basically put all the pieces together and alerted me that there was a problem.

@LookSharpFixUp, I agree with almost everything that lightsandtunnels has said here, and I thank her for expressing it in a much better way than I could have managed.

I would add that cutting all ties with any of your living blood family seems like the most beneficial idea for you and your DBaby, except for maybe a few words to your DGF - especially if you could manage them without your GM as a witness. You could tell him how much you love him, and appreciate his care from when you were growing up. You probably don't need to say much else to him as he already knows all of your joint history.

I don't think that actually trying to move away 'at this time' is a good idea, because apart from all the costs inevitably included in a house move, I think that the stress involved in such an undertaking would be immense at the present moment.

I really wish you the best of luck OP, as you are quite simply a lovely and caring person, who deserves so much happiness and good fortune in your, and your DC's, future life together. 💖

Agreed with everyone else: you are incredible and should be very proud of yourself!

Despite all the demands of your grandparents and other members of this collapsed family you must start putting yourself and your daughter first. You must stop feeling or being responsible for them and give all your love and attention to your daughter and yourself. Break the intergenerational transmission of trauma, dysfunction, and addiction—as you already have by getting your education in such a hostile environment!—and just build a little moat around your little family and spend all your time and energy just on the two of you.

Be at peace. Your daughter—and you—deserve that.

With he best will in the world. You ha e done all you can. If your GM refuses help, there is very little you can do. Stop buying things, stop cleaning. Step back. There are things s that cannot be done if it is clear she is in a bad way, but social services and the NHS will not do these things if you are helping. Let your DGF know that you have to step away and cannot help. And urge him to ask social services back.

OP, you have been through so much. You need to put yourself and your baby first.

Can you move away? So you are not so close?

Thank you to everyone who is still continuing to respond. To answer a couple of questions,

My grandparents are both 67.

I had already planned to start looking at moving closer to work next year as logically that would be easier to manage with DC in nursery and it would save me having to pay for extra childcare just for me to travel to and from work. So this has only helped give me the push to start looking as soon as possible.

My grandad has called me this morning to say he is taking my GM to the GP at 2.30 today. He can't manage on his own and she spent most of the night attacking and blaming him for what happened. He said she had told the police and a Adult Social worker who called this morning that she doesn't need help because she makes her family help her so theyve contacted my mother to step in as carer and said they need a GP referral now before any assistance can be considered. So it doesn't look like anything is going to happen fast.

To be honest I should of expected something like this to happen. It's my birthday on Friday and since I was little the abuse (usually by my mother) towards me has always got worse in the lead up to or the day of my birthday, its like this time of year is when i get punished for being born. So for my GM to now take part in that cycle is really disheartening.

Your mother needs to say right from the start that she can't help.

I’m sorry for everything you are going through.

thank you for updating, I’m been worrying about you all night.

Have you received/receive any therapy for yourself? If you speak to your midwife/health visitor /gp there is normally a local free counselling service. Because you have a baby under 2 the waiting list is so much faster. It might help having someone who you can speak to each week.

I hope you manage to make some local mum friends at groups as that will be really beneficial for you as well.

@LookSharpFixUp 67?? and she is shitting herself??? something definitely wrong there!!! she should still be good to go about leading a normal life at that age!!

Darling you are worthy of so much more. The fact that your beauty radiates through written words alone speaks volumes about your character. I think you're pretty awesome to be such a great and caring person after experiencing so much abuse at the hands of others. I am sincerely praying for your success love ❤

OP I have no relevant experience to add but I am in awe of you, you sound absolutely incredible and if its not inappropriate to say, I am really proud of you! I think you are and will be a wonderful mum to your little one.

Agreed.
67.....
I thought I was going to hear mid 80's.

This is just her abusing a young vulnerable mother.
Move as soon as you can.
Stay away from her.
Don't answer the door.
Don't let you mother or her into your home.
Call the police.
Tell your grand father you will see him inba public place only.
Tell your grandfather that you will not be going near their home.

You need to be ruthless and put your baby first.
You deserve so much better.

You can get dementia at 67. 1.7% of people between the ages of 65 to 69 are estimated to have dementia. Although a small proportion, it is a lot of people.