To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

I’m afraid I haven’t read through the whole thread @LookSharpFixUp so huge apologies if I’m repeating others. I had a parent develop Alzheimer’s at a younger then typical age, and as is typical with early onset the red flag symptoms seemingly develop faster. I was the same as you, initially humming and ha-ing as they’d always been a difficult person (classic narc behaviour). But in hindsight, there were noticeable differences in the previous 5 years before diagnosis - their outbursts were more emotional, whilst growing up they had been quick to anger this new reaction seemed far more ‘childlike’ if that makes sense. Almost like toddler tantrums. Hoarding was a big one - always been disorganised and messy but suddenly seemed to have more and more ‘stuff’ yet nothing was going out - didn’t understand how I was helping clear out yet within a week there was still piles of stuff and then some. Convincing themselves everything was normal when in fact they were being let go of a job they’d held very well for 25 years for declining competence of even simple organisation and tasks.

Im not trying to diagnose your grandmother, but there is enough here for me to add a voice to the ‘get her to the gp’ posters. And please please back away now, I say with awful experience of what happens if you don’t be firm with social care from the second you recognise where a situation is going. I still have nightmares about it, don’t go through the same thing.

Echo PP. My heart goes out to you.
Please remember your GF spent half a lifetime with his wife before you came along. As awful as she is, it’s his choice.
She sounds absolutely vile.
It is so, so hard but build a life now for you and your DC. You aren’t just caring here you are being abused.

I think you've been amazing OP but it sounds like you have been run ragged . Nobody is obligated to look after elderly relatives especially when they are so abusive .
I would step back and build a future for you and your baby .

On an aside I think shopping channels like QVC should be obligated to provide some sort of safe guarding / shopping red flags for the elderly. I remember a thread a while ago about an elderly lady with early signs of dementia who died and when her daughter went to clear the flat she found 3 rooms stacked to the rafters of unopened QVC packages and boxes , all with inappropriate items eg shoes with 4in heels , clothes 4 sizes too big , garden items ( for a lady who had a high rise with no outside space , you get the picture . Something should have flagged imo that an 80yrs lady was buying too much stuff inappropriate stuff .

@LookSharpFixUp ASC sw here. If ASC say they need consent. Raise it as a safeguarding under the category of self neglect and state you have concerns about GM's mental capacity to make decisions about her care and support. It also sounds like there may be coercive control issues towards DGF from GM. So sorry you are going through this. I'd also consider speaking to your GP for some support for your wellbeing as it sounds like caring has been exhausting.

This is a great thread the OP has a lot of experience of caring for a truly awful mother. Lots of posters with similar experiences. Have a look @LookSharpFixUp
www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5179774-appalling-behaviour-dressed-up-as-old-age-it-has-to-be-addressed?page=23

Yes Adult Social Care were informed about the issues with money, the financial abuse to my DGF, the debt, the fraud, etc. They were even told that DGM would refuse to admit she needed help but they ignored it all and said they'd only intervene if she reached out herself or atleast agreed.

How would I or DGF go about getting a Dementia test or diagnosis? Do we just call the doctor with or concerns? She's good at hiding it to professionals, she's refused treatment for other medical issues since May and they've done nothing but accept her refusal so how can we push for this?

I had to phone Reader's Digest to ask them to stop sending books on approval to my mum. (She could still sign cheques at that point.)

She kept accepting books that she didn't need, in the hope of winning their prize draw. Unusually, they accepted my word that I was telling the truth - I told them that my dad wanted to keep the magazine subscription and that he was requesting that we stop any other orders.

For my mum, I contacted the GP to say that we would like my mum referred to the Memory Clinic.

@LookSharpFixUp You can not really at this juncture

Given your GM's denial, OP, your best bet is possibly to refer your GF as a victim of elder abuse (as others have suggested).

This.
I'm sure you love them, are grateful for what they did for you as a child, and want to help them but within the confines of what you're able to do. Your baby is your priority now, which I'm sure they will understand. So,
-Get a cleaner
-Show them how to do online shopping if they aren't able to go out. Or you could order it for them (with their own account used for payment...)
-Yes, have a regular once a week visit but no "just dropping in" unless its an emergency
-Talk to them about you having online access to their utility accounts so you can check their accounts. Set up Direct Debits - they'll probs get a better rate

And if you think they still can't manage then yes, apply for Attendance Allowance but be warned, that is for personal care needs and they will need to justify that they need that assistance.

When we asked for help for Mum, I think I already had POA, so I think you're right.

I also confess to not having read all the posts carefully, but from what I have seen I notice you don't mention your parents (your DGP's actual children.) If they are dead I apologise, but if not - well, shouldn't they be involved too?
Are you their only relative?
No brothers, sisters (your aunts and uncles)
No cousins?
Another thought - try Age Concern - go into one of their shops and ask if they will help you deal with SServices, they are very good at filling in forms such as for Attendance Allowance, too. Show them this post.

OP I think you would find this site useful, there is a section on false accusations. Has she always been like this? It may be something like a personality disorder rather than dementia, or of course could be both.

https://outofthefog.website

outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/false-accusations-and-distortion-campaigns

Your reply about their money was what I was expecting.

Please report it as elder abuse, your DGF is very vulnerable.

Your DGF may be a victim of abuse, but he still seems to be of sound mind? No sign of dementia in him?
There comes a point when he has to help himself. You can't rescue either of them. He has made a start by telling the truth to the police.

You have to step back and leave him to it - your first responsibility is to your baby and your DH.

@lefthandedcat my GM has no living relatives as far as im aware. My uncle (their son) has died. My brother is currently sectioned under the MH act. My Uncles son shows up once in a blue moon and gets a hand out off my GM before he disappears again. My mother (their daughter) is a functioning alcoholic, calls once a month begging for money and is due to be made homeless after Christmas. My DGD has living relatives but they are all elderly and live in different parts of the country. He has said he's already shamed himself to his family once to clear his wife's debt, he isn't doing it again.

There is no one else but me and DGF.

Doesn't sound like dementia to me tbh. Hope it all works out OP, you've done well.

I wonder if you can get her assessed under the Mental Health Act, particularly if you think she's a danger to herself. See the "non-emergencies" section if this NHS link: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/social-care-and-your-rights/mental-health-and-the-law/mental-health-act/

There may be times when there are sufficient concerns about your mental health and your ability to make use of the help offered.

In these circumstances your relatives or the professionals involved in your care can ask for a formal assessment of your mental health through the Mental Health Act process.

Your nearest relative has the right to ask the local approved mental health professional service, which may be run by local social care services, for an assessment under the Mental Health Act.

Op this sounds really hard and believe me, you're not alone in having to deal with a dysfunctional family. You'll find loads of support on here but the best thing to do is to walk away and disconnect as much as you can; it's a process that you've begun and isn't easy.

It still does sound like dementia to me. I have had 2 relatives with dementia. Same diagnosis even. Presented very differently. Depends on the person and where in the brain it's affecting first and worst. One was really sweet and just lost memory. Other got quite aggressive at one point.

You need to phone her GP and tell them what happened this afternoon with the police and mental health team. Tell the GP that you can’t risk yourself or your baby to help them any more and that she needs medical assessment. Let them know how vulnerable your dgf is. Let them know that they cannot be your responsibility going forward.

Her behaviour is now a danger to you and your child. You say that your family has a long history of mental health issues and addiction. You do not want police, MH services or ss involved in your life when you don’t need it. I think you need to go low contact for now, visit only as a dgc or get your dgf to visit you. Let the GP and adult social care sort them out.

Bless you OP. Well done for how you've survived a really challenging family. Do you have support in real life to help you step away? As you can see - most posters can see that you need to prioritise yourself and your child but it's evident that you feel obliged to help your grandparents - despite their previous abusive treatment of you?

I understand that you may feeling guilty because of granddad but think you need to go NC. Unfortunately I think it all needs to fall apart.

I would say just meet grandad on neutral territory but you will get sucked into drama.

If you did go NC do you have a strategy? I.e friends who can verify you are ok. So if grandmother calls police or SS you can say I don’t want contact and this is the reason she is spinning things.

After the stunt grandmother pulled this afternoon I never speak to her again.

OP I’m just wondering if there are any charities who are local to you who may be able to provide some support to enable you to focus on looking after your baby and yourself?