To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

I don't have any support, it's just me and DC and DGP. No friends, no family, no partner. I am in therapy and attending baby groups to try and network but yeah I have no one.

That must make it harder to say no to family members - even toxic ones. You've got a small army of women behind you on here - many with years of experience in managing difficult situations - so do use this thread (if you find it helpful) to work out how you can step away from all this.

Op it doesn't sound like dementia to me either. I can't imagine either of my family members who had dementia trying to call social work on anyone.
They'd be more likely to forget you had a baby.

Can you join a church op? They can be wonderfully supportive, kind and caring places with lots of nice people, baby groups, messy church. It strikes me you need far more support locally. Bless you. Can you say roughly where you are?

@LookSharpFixUp Some of the posters on here are very experienced in life, are long term mums netters, who have been on here for years.

Please please take from this that you are a worthy human being who in a short post have attracted so much support

This is because we have all been through stuff too.

So take a moment go back over what every one has said and digest.

Overton is right you have a new community of friends on here

Hold on to that.

I think you need to be clear with your dgd your reasons for withdrawing, it sounds very difficult for him tbh and I can totally understand your reluctance to stop supporting him, even though it’s untenable with your dgm, IMO. But at the end of the day neither is your responsibility.

Oh and loook up Home start see if they are in your area they are a charity who offer a volunteer to support mums like yourself.

it's just me and DC and DGP

You speak as if you were a single unit with your DGP.
That needs to change.

Shift into thinking "Its just me and DC". Just the two of you.

Then keep looking for friends your own age. It will take time - it is very difficult to make friends and usually takes some years.

But at the moment your DGP are dragging you down and you need to separate from them.

Op I think this might not be a bad idea. Churches can be very supportive. Although you might need to try a few to find the right one for you.

@EuclidianGeometryFan I only added GP's into that in that way because up until today that was very much my only support unit/network, whatever you wish to call it. I didn't mean for it to come across any other way than that, so I apologise if it's sounded like I don't see me and DC as our own link without GP's

Absolutely no need for you to apologise at all.
I was just trying to nudge you into putting yourself and DC first.

Her grandmother is abusive and has just phoned the police and told them that OP was going to harm her own child.

OP needs to step back.

I think because your mother was such a poor parent and a piece of shit. Your standards are lower than those who had relatively warm and normal childhoods. Distance yourself from your gm. Maybe your dgf needs to get her sectioned if not arrested.

Sending hugs, What a nightmare for you. Congratulations on your lovely baby.

Do not feel guilty OP, not on any account whatsoever. We have been there and it is unbelievably stressful. When I hear people say 'Oh the family should look after their old people' it makes me furious, because they don't know how hard it can be.

Olds can be incredibly manipulative and they expect the earth and the moon sometimes. If they cannot manage without you then they need care from outside agencies. What would they do if you weren't there?

It seems to vary from region to region, you may be able to go straight to your local adult social care team or you may need to go through your GP to get help, but do it.

Be strong and do not let them bully you.

Have a look at the Elderly Parents forum, some excellent advice and support there.

Show the police this post. And this thread. It explains it all.

There's probably a reason why the Ops Mum was a shit parent.
The Op Grandmother is hardly the supportive person she should be. Can you imagine how horrific she must have been to the Ops mother?

Oh you poor darling, you have done so much, you couldn't have done more. You are doing the right thing by stepping back. The only thing you can do really, for the sake of your little one.

Be assured that your Grandad recognises your loyalty and is in an impossible situation himself. You are a very brave woman, I am in awe.

Well done for standing your ground.

You need to step away otherwise you are enabling your GM to continue her behaviours. They are not your responsibility and without you support will have to be put in place.

Time for you to rebuild. Time for you and your baby. Break the cycle.

I was going to suggest, could you meet your GF away from his home, but actually the less you know at the minute, the better. Maybe in time.

Take care of you and your LO.

You seem like such a lovely caring person, I hope you can step back and get the break from them you need 💐

I know you said your DGM has capacity, but that's not how I see it in your posts. Both her and your DGD need to be assessed.

I'd make myself scarce for a few weeks ie don't go round. You could speak on the phone briefly but otherwise you are ill or baby is ill or just too busy.

They desperately need help and SS can help esp if they review her behaviour which isnt showing capacity but aggression.

Also, can I ask, how, after a week, can the house need decluttering/deep cleaning? How can food go moldy in a week? It sounds like it's not just what you're buying is building up.then, so do they get their own stuff and which of them is incontinent?

Good luck @LookSharpFixUp you def need to focus on you and your baby. X

Congratulations on the birth of your little one. Looking after a 4 month old is challenging enough without having the stress of all this.

You seem like such a kind, decent person but you can't risk burning out due to this because your daughter is your priority.

Today, while upsetting, is hopefully a turning point. Decide what your boundaries are now and stick to them.

Just to step in with the blaming/suspicion about why my mother was the way she was as I dont think its fair that they can be blamed for that, though I can't verify it as gospel. Also apologies if anything i mention next triggers anyone but She has me when she was 16 and my brother when she was 20, him to a married man and me to a drug user. For 10 years we were blamed and abused for men not wanting her and for her not being able to have a life. If my grandparents didn't take us in when we were wandering the streets at 3am for safety, we would of been used as bargaining tools so her current boyfriend would have sex with her. I don't know the ins and outs of her upbringing but I think anything could excuse or cause a child being stamped on at 8 years old by their mother because her boyfriend was going through heroin withdrawal and didn't want to touch her.

OP you are an absolute superwoman. To survive the dreadful sounding young life you had and the awful treatment you have had and continue to have from your family is inspiring. You have made a life for you and your DC and you should be so proud of yourself.

I'm tempted to tell you to cut all ties with the lot of them - move away and don't tell them. You deserve so much more than this. I hope you are able to get some support through this.

YANBU, cut ties with them. You need space and time to heal as having a small child brings up lots of memories of the past if you've had a difficult life. It's time for you and your baby now. It's okay to be selfish and start looking out for yourself.