To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

it sounds like if she is dementing, its only making her existing personality and behaviour worse. And yes, you have been being "trained" for most of your life. You have been really courageous to be able to leave. Do not under any circumstances, return to their house.

Any police and social services involvement because of your grandmother's outburst will come to nothing. They might come out and see you, and if they do they will see a highly capable, excellent mother doing a good job. And then that will be on their records if your grandmother tries that stuff again.

Turn your back on your grandparents now. That includes your grandfather, who has completely failed to stand up for you. He is a weak enabler and you do not need that in your life.

There is a weird phenomenon whereby the worse you have been treated, the more ground down, the more your self-esteem and confidence have been eroded, the more you feel duty bound to your abusive parents (GPs in your case), and the more guilt you feel about them.
I am another one who is not convinced dementia is behind your GM's behaviour. Some elderly people tend to become utterly self-centred, totally focused on their own needs at the expense of anyone else's, selfish beyond belief, convinced of their own entitlement, and willing to use any manipulative tactic to get what they want. It may well not be dementia, just pure selfishness.
OP your responsibility to others is very clear: your baby is number one, and as a lone parent and the mother you are number 2. No-one else is your responsibility.

@BestZebbie no !
No she had a new baby she can't do 35 hours a week caring for them.
The GM sounds horrible, you must stay away @LookSharpFixUp look after yourself and your baby.

Yes. OP needs to make it clear that she does not live with her grandparents and has no intention of moving in with them.

They’ve given you the biggest kick in the pants possible to take action to protect yourself and your kid. If you choose to do anything ever again to help them, it should be entirely on their own terms. Tell social services in no uncertain terms, that you will not be caring for them moving forward.

I think you're an absolute hero and it's now time to put your love and energy into creating your perfect little family. The police will catch on to the situation pretty quickly. Move on and when you're able to, move away. Good luck op 💐

They could claim attendance allowance if their needs are so great. Call ss again and tell them you are no longer available. Not sure hwy you need to clear the fridge and cupboards weekly though, most things do not go off that quickly.

If ss or the police do appear, they can look up in their records to see that you have already made contact with them regarding your GP’s and that GM was incredibly difficult about having help. Should just go to illustrate that there is no issue with you. Time to go no-contact OP, for your sake and your lovely baby. Good luck.

Paranoia is sadly very common in dementia. It’s very hard for those nearby to cope with. Dad used to ring me to report things had been stolen, and accuse my brother’s friends. Invariably I’d go round and find said objects. Equally, he’d leave bikes unlocked ( they’d get stolen) , buy ridiculously expensive and unnecessary stuff believing it was an incredible bargain. You are constantly playing whack a mole with the issues. It’s exhausting.

I've just had a phone call from my grandad, he said he has spoke to the police to inform them of the truth and will be making a statement to verify what has been going on. My GM has tried to throw him out of the house with force so the police are at their house now trying to deal with that situation. However he has said that he is duty bound to my GM and because she isnt well, he doesn't know what to do. He loves me and DC, hopes he will be well enough to come visit us but he has to no choice but to choose to look after his wife and hopes we will be able to understand that.

Hope the situation improves - perhaps the police will be able to get some help via SS since your DGD has told them what's going on.

Re: Social Services

When my late husband had a major stroke, I was happy to be his carer. However, it dawned on me that there was an expectation from certain medical professionals and SW that I would quit my job. (I already had carers helping out with my mother - she had dementia. My dad had died by then.)

I recall that an OT seemed incredulous when I said that I'd be continuing to work. (DH was physically disabled, but compos mentis.)

We were given an interim care package - three visits a day. As soon as the care team clapped eyes on me, this was cut to 1 visit a day. After a week, it was cut to zero.

I got my husband up, organised his breakfast, left his lunch, etc. Mum's carers were supposed to see to her during the day, but I often found myself dealing with Mum's needs first thing in the mornings when carers didn't turn up.

I'm not complaining - just trying to impart an idea of the reality of being a carer. I chose to do it.

After my husband's final hospital stay (during lockdown), I made it clear that I couldn't have him back home until I got the moving and handling equipment we needed. (We did get it eventually.). [ETA By then, I had reluctantly quit my job two years early and it's had a major financial impact on me.]

At that point, I already had a shoulder injury from moving and handling. (Two years after he died, I had to have a shoulder op.) I found out from DH that a hospital OT had had the temerity to enquire about the state of our marriage!

What I'm saying is that SW will happily shove as much work as they can onto anyone willing to do it.

OP needs to refuse to to to any of the caring for her grandparents, hard though that might be. She definitely needs to raise the continence issues with both medics and SW. (If there are continence problems, more care should be allocated by SW.)

"Even though I'm the only person in the family to ever work or finish school or not have an addiction. I know that's not a brag but I feel normal and try my best to be better considering the life I've been dealt."

OP it's massive that you've come through a difficult childhood and being told everything you do is wrong. You deserve to be hugely proud of how you've turned the tables, have a job, have somewhere safe to stay and now a little one. Go you!

OP, we finally got a care package for my mum when my dad told the SW "I can't go on."

I was already doing a great deal of the care at that point, but hadn't realised how bad things had got - I'm ashamed that I didn't realise what kind of load Dad was carrying. In my defence, my husband was quite poorly.

If your grandad is prepared to be honest with SW, it could make a huge difference.

(GF says) he has to no choice but to choose to look after his wife and hopes we will be able to understand that

He actually has every choice, though naturally it's his to make, but at least if he stays there she can target him and give you a break

And it doesn't matter if "this is what dementia looks like" or even whether she has it. As a wise PP mentioned she's either so ill that she's beyond your help or so vicious that you shouldn't even try; therefore the advice to keep well away and leave it in the hands of Social Services and/or the police stands

What is your DGM doing with their money?

I'm sure SS will see you are zero risk and your DGM is the issue.

Oh bless you OP - that sounds so hard. I feel for your DGF too, who sounds vulnerable and bullied by your 'D'GM. You've done the right thing in notifying the relevant authorities. The police are well used to family members making up malicious lies, they have to investigate them, but it's often really clear that the person making them is either unwell or just doing it to be vicious. It does sound like your GM may well be suffering from dementia, although you say she's always been difficult, so it will take proper diagnosis to decide which one it is. She does sound extremely malicious however and not paying the bills is a spectacular own goal if it is just her being selfish and difficult as opposed to dementia. I hope it all gets properly investigated now. It sounds like they both need to be in a care home.

Agree, the grandfather is also a victim here.

Doesn't sound like dementia sounds like an abusive grandparent. Sorry you are going through this OP.

@LookSharpFixUp It should be expected that your grandad will stand by his wife. And that should be seen as taking the burden off you. Of course you will feel some sort of loyalty, but you have to think about the normality you have created for yourself and not let your family background drag you under their murky water.

The final part of carving out normality and a good life for yourself is to break free from this enmeshment.

Given what your grandmother just did too you it must be the clearest indication as to why you need to get away from them, for your own and your child’s sanity

@RandomMess she either squirrels it away in her bank but claims poverty or stays up late buying things on shopping channels like QVC, spends £40 on collegen tablets, make up, clothes etc. My uncle (her son) died 2 years ago due to an addiction and she secretly spent £1598 of his money before she notified the DWP of his death. She was only letting my DGF have £60 in cash once a fortnight out of his own pension and the rest she keeps and does god knows what with, saying it's for bills (that aren't being paid). I've recently had to secretly open my DGF a bank account with a standing order to make sure he recieves all of his pension but she still manages to get £400 a month back off him. Hes not aloud access to her debit card, all bills are in her name only and all letters are open then hidden (he doesnt believe in opening mail not addressed to you). So I really don't know what she's doing with money or what her obsession is.

You are in an awful position. You aren't supposed to be able to cope with this. Talk to adult social care. Email their GP and copy in adult social care and everyone else you can think of. Join Carents Lounge on fb, to remind yourself what not to do.
Look after yourself and your baby. I had to harden my heart against my grandparents demands for care, in the 1980s. In 2012 I had to 'inform everyone' and get my mother into a care home because my father (then 79) couldn't cope any more. From March 2021 to July 2024 (when he died) I was my father's carer, and at the end that involved poo work!

You are young, you have a baby. There are professionals to do these things.

Do Adult Social Care know about this? This is financial abuse and needs to be reported.

Oh gosh what a sad situation. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I they manage to get help this time xx