Nurseries for 12 week-old babies - ok or not?

[weatherthestorm]

Inspired by the current boarding school thread ... Now that there is widespread awareness of 'boarding school syndrome', are we not, as a society, in danger of sleepwalking into raising a generation whose mental well-being is going to be impacted by even earlier separation into a form of institutional care? Will the next generation be defined by 'childcare syndrome', alongside and exacerbating the mental health epidemic that is already emerging through unlimited access to social media content? Will we look back in disbelief that we ever thought it was ok to put babies, as young as 12 weeks into long days in nurseries, where they spend most of their waking lives before they even have any concept of themselves as a whole, separate being? AIBU that we need to lose the taboo / discomfort around engaging with this important issue, before it's too late?

The difference between sending kids to boarding school and 12 week olds going to nursery is that usually those 12 week olds are going as mothers have no choice but to work to keep a roof over their head.

I imagine most mothers don't want to drop their pretty much a newborn off with strangers for 10 hours a day, but thats the preferable option over being homeless.

Those of us who had our children when 14 weeks was the only maternity leave available didn't have a lot of choice. It was bloody awful, but for most families it was do that or not have children at all.

Our sisters in the US are even more badly served by maternity rights.

I understand that, @Bringautumnnights but I don't think it's a reason to shy away from the debate, or to think about alternative ways to support parents and their children.

Well, no, but I doubt anybody wants to put a 12 week old in nursery.

I'd have struggled to do that but I was lucky in that I didn't have to. I had family to help and also generous maternity pay.

Some mothers have no choice and whilst I don't think it's ideal, I don't think they should be criticised for it and I think the option needs to be there for them.

Good maternity provision is the way to avoid it being needed.

I think that we should be able to talk about this issue. The fact that many parents don’t want to use nurseries, but have to do so for financial reasons, should not prevent a discussion about whether children are being damaged, any potential long term consequences of this and any possible alternatives/solutions.

What's the alternative ?
Some mothers only get statutory maternity pay ,nobody can live off that

If you are based in the UK, I don’t think there is a taboo. SMP is for 39 weeks so that usually takes a parent (maternity leave or shared parental leave) to about 9 months, with many choosing to take the unpaid 13 weeks and top up with annual leave. The cost of childcare means that most people are working out how they can not have their children in childcare for most of the week.

I think there is more of a taboo for women who don’t use the full 13 months of maternity leave and go back before, either for mental health or financial reasons. In that case, whether it be 12 weeks or later, that is the best case for that particular family.

My DD15 was in nursery a lot but I also had a full time live in nanny.

I am a lone parent and work full time.

In later years she flexi boards, clearly another no no from what I am seeing from the judgy pants people on here.

So what next? We aren't supposed to have babies and work?

What do you think is the solution OP? One that doesn't relegate women to the home again and doesn't rely on fairytale state support that doesn't even pay the mortgage.

FWIW my teen is fine and doesn't seem to have any "syndromes"

Are you a mother or father looking to decide if it's right for their family or are you just wanting everyone to look down on those that are?

Is is ideal? No. But is it necessary? Yes. And safer for some babies than being somewhere else? Yes.

My mum went back to work when I was 12 weeks old and put me in a very well regarded nursery. She lasted 3 weeks and then pulled me out because she found the drop offs to difficult (fwiw, this would be a pattern. She found getting me to school difficult too and hated having to leave me there, after awhile she stopped taking me to school too and would just leave me home alone in primary school, so obviously this was more a her issue than a nursery issue).

But at 15 weeks, she started leaving me with my grandparents instead, who were lovely, but chain smoked all day inside. I got pneumonia within a month and nearly died. I have asthma now as a result of all the second hand smoke exposure.

Would I have been better off in nursery at 12 weeks than with chain smoking grandparents or a fairly emotionally unstable parent who also happened to be the main earner? I probably would have. Would my children who had two healthy, emotionally well parents who could afford a years maternity leave have been better off in nursery? No, but I’m conscious I’m in a much more privileged position than many and my dc are lucky to have the stable home life I didn’t.

I am one of those bad mothers who had to put my baby in childcare from just over 12 weeks. I bloody HATED it. My DH at the time had just lost his job, we had no money coming in, SMP wouldn't even cover our mortgage, so I went back to work.

I also think it did have some effect on my DD. If I could go back in time, I'd do everything very differently.

No, I don't think nursery care is suitable for a 12 week old but I also don't think many parents choose it where there is any other option. I'd like there to be more support from mothers to stay at home and a wider range of affordable childcare options.

Yep

I think some posters are missing OP'S point. Lots of people saying it's not ideal but needs must... Yes but that's exactly what OP wants to discuss! How have we ended up as a society in a situation where there is no choice? And shouldn't it be possible to do better for our very young children?

Yes! This is were my thoughts as I read through this thread

Very few people are placing their 12 week old babies into nursery out of choice.

I would love to see proper statutory provisions to ensure every family has access to fully paid parental leave for a minimum of 12 months, but I suspect that’s not actually the point you’re trying to make…

I think this discussion is only appropriate in the context of 12 months full paid shared parental leave (so mum OR dad can take it) and whoever is taking it, it’s at their full basic salary.

Only then would it be even slightly ok to chastise, because that’s what you really want to happen here, parents choosing to use childcare before six months.

This is not a thread about bad mothers (or fathers) who put their careers before their children. It's a conversation about how we can reform support for families so that our future generations are more emotionally robust.

We need to have a conversation about what we value in society and how we pay for it. The money that is currently being pumped into child and adolescent mental health care might have been better spent in providing opportunities for babies to stay with a parent until they were ready to go to nursery.

Why can't the government pay one parent to stay home instead of paying childcare? All they'd have to do is divert the money, it wouldn't cost them any more

I was in nursery full time from 5 months and I've turned out okay 😊

Of course it's reasonable to discuss the broad issue of whether it's in a baby's best interests (no other things considered) to be in long day care from12 weeks of age.

My personal opinion is that if the main care giver, or two, can afford to not put their baby into long day care and if they are happy to be home caring for their child then the baby is better off not in long day care until they are three or four.
Just my opinion based on witnessing my own kids and how tired they were after five hours of Kindergaten when they were four.
Long day care for 12 week old babies is not something we should be striving for as a society. We should do better. Babies love their parents and crave to spend hours with their main care giver.

I am an ex nursery practitioner who worked in a baby room and had a few babies start from 12 weeks old. A lot of these babies were in as the mother needed to work in order to keep a roof over their head, a lot of them were the main breadwinners. There were a few 12 week old babies where the mother was more career minded than "motherly" and put their baby in just so they could work even if their significant other had a well paid career. I personally don't think it's a good idea to have babies so young in nurseries, most of these tiny babies who spend 10/12 hours a day 5 days a week in nursery build such a bond with their key worker that they cry and seem uncomfortable when taken home by their own parents.

However babies who have been in day care since so young don't tend to go through that separation anxiety that the babies who start at 9 months/1 year go through.

The overwhelming majority of lone parents work without sending their child to boarding school.

This is not a bad mother / good mother situation.
It's a bad system situation where wealthy mums can look after their own babies and poorer mums can't.
We can't berate mums for having to work... but we can hate the system that forces new mums to put their babies into childcare.

It absolutely would cost them more. SAHP don’t pay taxes, for one thing