To save everything nice " for best"

[Mylovelylittlepetbedbug]

Just to add ,I do the basics and don't think I'm scruffy in public . I can make an effort if I go out. Even before I retired and had more money ,I find I'm saving everything nice for ...I don't know what for really.
It doesn't even save anything. I noticed a mascara I have hardly used has dried up and smells off.
I save clothes for best and wear scruffy ones which is a bit depressing.
I bought new joggers/ leggings/ sweatshirts but can't seem to wear them
My perfume is evaporating in its bottle .
But it's not just not wanting things to wear out or run out. I sort of can't be bothered to do things for me. For example I would wrap a grandchild up warmly to go for a walk and wouldn't bother for myself . I'd wear the first coat I'd picked up even if it wasn't warm. Seeing someone else do the most basic thing e.g putting on handcream after washing their hands makes me think that I should do that ,but I can't. I don't feel depressed but am making myself uncomfortable in many small ways. I know I need to stop this .

In his last couple of months on this planet, my dad started wearing his 'best' shirts everyday. He made some dry comment about how it was pointless saving them for just Sunday.

I absolutely hear this, from keeping things for best, to "knowing your place". I hear my grandma's sour voice talking about people who thought they were something special or "gave themselves airs". They were invariably perfectly normal women who were wearing bright lipstick or a nice dress. Never have nice things when cheap ones will do. She gave that attitude to my mum, who gave it to me, and I'm doing my damnedest to bin it.

I'm not putting caviar on my toast, but I use my nice makeup, wear my good clothes and perfume, and never ever keep gifted food for "best". Today is "best", if tomorrow is even better then we will celebrate even more.

I might have expressed that badly but she certainly makes no bones of the fact that she thinks women who dress well deserve to have the tiddle taken out of them.

She has an ancient pair of Josef Siebel lace ups where the ridging on the sole has been worn away. I remember her buying them 20 years ago and complaining that she would have preferred the blue but only the green were in the sale! She'd have been only a little older than I am now. She will not wear the new replacement ones because they are new and might get get spoilt. She is 88.

Conversely she has a hospital bag packed just in case with a new nightie, dressing gown and slippers so people don't think she's poor. I would do the opposite, pack the old stuff and chuck it in the bin before leaving so as not to take "hospital" home. I couldn't give a stuff what a nurse might think.

There is a Buddhist philosophy of knowing that our brand new cup is already broken.

So, in real life this means we own the nice handmade cup, the pretty lipstick, the silk shirt, knowing that it is all fated to return to dust and recycle again and again through the universe. That IS what the cup is, in its final iteration but also now, and where every single thing and person will end up.

Our time to appreciate it and use it is now, and seeing it's future as already used or broken or not within our possession makes it so much easier to appreciate the now. Matches are made to be burnt, food eaten, clothes used to destruction.

This is incredibly sad.

You are worth comfort. You are worth nice things.

Please speak to someone in real life because your feelings aren't normal.

Hear hear!

I think you’re mad. All we really have is today. When you’re over 50 in particular it’s time to wear the good jewellery/ cashmere jumper/ drink the good wine etc asap. Don’t die having kept everything ‘good’ for a day that may never come.

Are you Scottish by any chance? This is all very Calvinistic.

After reading this thread I've grabbed a tube of nice handcream off the shelf and guess what... it's lovely! What was I saving it for?

So much here rings true with me. Thanks for starting the thread OP. And I like the way you write.

@LyingPaintSample what you wrote about buddhism is so interesting. I'm going to try and remember that from now on.

I am also guilty of ' saving for best '
It probably comes from a time when I was a single parent with nothing.
Now I'm married to a lovely man and luckily have nice stuff...but I still can't get past it.
After reading your posts I've squirted myself with No 5....onwards girls..

I am exactly the same! That comment about making sure everyone has warm clothes when going out and not putting on a proper coat for myself really resonated.

I only use about ten percent of my wardrobe, the rest is "too nice" to waste if I'm not doing anything special. And I never do anything special 😂.

I have about twenty nail polishes but never put them on. Same with the handcream. And some gorgeous jewellery too.

Me and my husband have three bottles of special champagne gathering dust that we got for our wedding twelve years ago. It's ridiculous!

Some really good advice on here and helpful comments Thank you all. I really did take on board my mothers attitude now I think about it. She was a very kind person ( would help anyone in trouble ) but there was definitely an attitude that women in particular should not draw attention to themselves. I remember being a very shy teenager and not wanting to go out socially. I was invited to a childrens party by the local " lady bountiful" and my dress was too big. I was very self conscious about being very small for my age anyway but when I cried about the dress my mother said " noone will be looking at you anyway" which was probably true . In fact I probably hoped they wouldn't. But I did have the feeling that anything would do and to want anything different was unreasonable, frivolous and would cause harsh words. How times have changed ( I hope!)

Welsh and Irish Cross! Makes me sound like a terrier of some kind.

I'm so pleased to read your update.
I love the idea of people all over going for a dig around in the cupboards and pulling all the nice stuff out. If not now, when?

Crap stuff happens all the time. Those moments of joy are worth having when we can get them. It is enough that you like it and you want to.

I wasn't quite sure of your AIBU, but I've answered YABU to signify life's too short to save everything nice for special occasions. I find this question very relatable as I was brought up in a household where funds were tight and it was a hard-and-fast rule that anything new or nice was unquestionably to be saved 'for best' - in some ways this was justifiable e.g. there wasn't much money for clothes so anything nice had to be kept for smart occasions - but I haven't lived by this principle since I've earned my own money. I've never been wealthy but I want to enjoy the stuff I have.

(As a side note, the 'saving clothes for best' thing actually meant that it took me a while to get the hang of creating daytime looks once I was paying for my own clothes, because I was so conditioned to all purchases being 'for best' and then when they started to look a bit tatty they were relegated to daywear. Actually shopping for everyday casual wear (and learning to throw tatty stuff out!) was a whole new learning curve. 😄)

This is just unspeakably sad, to think this of yourself and treat yourself so poorly. To even put up with sore cracked hands, so you can’t be perceived as thinking you’re something.

do you know what’s caused this, was it your upbringing, a partner? You need help, in the form of therapy. You do deserve all the nice things, it doesn’t mean you’re up yourself. And you do not have a high opinion of yourself. It’s the opposite.

Yes ,yes to this . When I started buying clothes I would do the same. Perhaps a nice dress for a party or a dance. It would then be demoted .but I didn't buy anything for everyday. So really had nothing to wear apart from one or two things ...best jeans a nice top or jumper.
Once I had woken up to this ( only recently) I bought some nice casual clothes to suit my dog walking lifestyle . But in my mind they were new . New = best ! So I was wearing old ex office clothes which are too big anyway and shabby whilst nice Breton tops ,cords, sweatshirts and gilets sat in the wardrobe. I'm amazed at my stupidity and wastefulness ( and I hate waste so more fool me !)

One thing I'm going to do when I get home tonight: Our every day kitchen cutlery is a combination of cheap, old sets. Some discarded by my grandparents, some.from a BHS canteen I bought for my first flat, bits and bobs from the DC's uni days. I am going to tip out the cutlery drawer tonight and bring into service the lovely canteen given to us by MIL and FIL 33.5 years ago and which comes out when we have visitors! High time it was used and we got our money's worth!

Use the nice things. Life is too short to keep stuff for later. Give yourself position to wear stuff out.

This is so true . I've just.reread this and realise I do this.
I worked with a women who always looked very smart and she said she spent most of her money on expensive ,well made everyday shoes and clothes.
If she wanted anything for an evening ( excluding very special occasion things) she would buy something cheap but pretty as it would go out of fashion/ not be needed long before it had much use. She preferred to be smart and comfortable everyday . Whereas I've been panicked into buying something for best that I will rarely if ever wear again . Not any more.

Gosh this resonates so much with me, and with so many others on this thread. I would love a daily/weekly 'get ready with us in your 'saving for best' clothes and use your best perfumes and cosmetics' post.

I find this so difficult. I wouldn't say I'm depressed either, but my self worth is tenuous and dips to zero so easily. I only really learned how to apply make up in my mid thirties, and now have some really lovely cosmetics but find it increasingly more difficult to make myself sit down and put make up on. I used to wear make up most days.
I also tend to wear the same clothes for four days in a row, when I used to change my clothes daily.
My winter coat has needed to be replaced for two years and I've finally done that, but I haven't worn it yet because it's 'new'.

Every now and then I get myself by the scruff of the neck and manage to change my clothes more regularly, make an effort, and it does make me feel so much better. Perhaps consistent practice would help? It feels like it is hard-coded.

Many years ago I watched a friend put her socks on. They were lovely socks - no holes and fluffy - she put them on slowly and carefully and smoothed them down. I realised that she loved herself. I took that as a lesson and try to treat myself the same way.

My lovely friend had an equally lovely DM, who would welcome me into her house like another daughter. A hot drink was always on offer - served in an old mug which was probably given away free with the coffee, and grimly functional.
Sadly, she died, the house was cleared, I went to visit my friend in her own home.
Afternoon tea was served on the most beautiful vintage teaset, and I commented on how elegant it was,
You can probably guess; she had found it when clearing the family home, with many other pieces of beautiful china which had not even been displayed in a cabinet, in case they got damaged. My friend was making an absolute point of using a different teaset every day, and relishing elegant afternoon tea, with silent thanks to DM for the simple pleasure it gave her.
Jesus commands us to "Love your neighbour as yourself" , so treat yourself with kindness, and your neighbour will reap the benefits.

I know I need to stop this

Stop doing it then.

Seriously. What is actually preventing you from putting a new pair of leggings on or spraying yourself with some perfume?

This isn't about 'can't be bothered' because putting on a nice new jumper or your best coat doesn't take any more effort than putting on an old scruffy jumper or the coat you've had for 20 years.

You either have some sort of subconscious OCD thing about not using new things, or there's something psychological going on where you're somehow telling yourself you don't deserve nice things. Either way, you need to address this and start living your life to the full and using your nice things instead of 'saving them for best' because the way you're living at the moment sounds miserable to me.

I'm so pleased to read this! Well done you. Put your old leggings in the bin, and treat yourself with new ones. That cheesy L'Oréal advert was right, you know - you ARE worth it.