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AIBU?

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Original poster

Upset with PILs preference for nephews

140 replies

Narniabeckons · 24/11/2024 23:18

Name changed
have been mulling over this and not sure how best to proceed

i have an 18month old son
not married to his dad and living separately (he lives with his parents and has a comfortable life/ works from home there).
recently he has asked to have his son every week overnight - pick up from nursery on Wednesday and drop back on Thursday evening. We live about 15miles apart which can mean 1.5 hour drive during rush hour traffic. Despite this, it has been going well so far - or so I thought.

I had a day off on Friday and went to pick up my son from theirs on Friday morning last week (so he had 2 night sleepover because I wasn’t feeling well and had a few hospital appointments). I asked MIL (technically not married but she is still treated with same respect) whether it had been hard for her having him there and she replied reluctantly saying yes because she also visits her daughter to help with her 3 sons (aged 8, 5 and 19 months) in the week and it’s demanding for her.

I’m now torn because I don’t my son going to their house when he is not welcome and I feel a bit sad that there seemed to be a clear preference that they would rather look after their daughter’s children than have their son’s child over?

is it because he is staying in their home so they don’t get time to relax?
is it because his dad and I aren’t married (this is playing a bigger part than it should in my head)
should I reduce him staying over and just have visits with grandparents instead so that they don’t start to feel resentful? (His dad wants to continue weekly sleepovers and sod his parents’ feelings).

would be grateful for any advice as I’m feeling a bit bruised on my baby’s behalf and maybe I need to take a step back and do what’s best for everyone.

AIBU- reduce sleepovers and let grandparents relax in their home

AINBU - carry on as dad wants; it’s his home too and he has a right to see his son.

OP posts:
TheMaenads · 24/11/2024 23:25

Honestly, I don’t understand why what appears to be bothering you is what you perceive as your child’s father’s mother’s preference for her other grandchildren? Of course she prefers them — she knows them, she looks after them a lot, she knows they’re going to stay in her life. Whereas she’s seen far less of your child, who has only just started sleeping over at her house, she’s not supposed to be doing childcare, she possibly doesn’t know whether this arrangement will stop again, you and her son have had a child together while living separately and you don’t seem committed to one another, and did he ever ask his parents if it was ok to have his toddler to stay? Was this an accidental pregnancy?

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 24/11/2024 23:28

I think you read too much into her comment. Nothing she said indicated favouritism for the other grandchildren. She just admitted to being tired which is understandable if her adult children rely on her so much.

Your son is primarily there to spend time with his father. That should continue if the arrangement has been working well for the child.

HeddaGarbled · 24/11/2024 23:28

You’ve read that wrong. She absolutely did not say she prefers the other children. She’s just tired and feeling put upon by both her children.

nadine90 · 24/11/2024 23:29

I think that's a conversation for your child's father to have with his parents. It's good that he is wanting to have his child over night and if it's good for your lo to spend that time with his other parent.

Gowlett · 24/11/2024 23:32

She didn’t say she prefers them. My mum looks after my DS more than she has my sister’s little guy. If she has both of them in one week, or even both of them together, it’s hard work for her. She’s a brilliant help, I’m lucky, but she finds it tiring for sure. Also, maybe the kid’s dad is leaving everything to her?

Original poster
Narniabeckons · 24/11/2024 23:33

Hi, thanks for your reply.
it’s complex between us but I have made an effort to take him to their house regularly. It’s only the sleepovers that have been recent.
she has been nothing but loving towards him - buying him gifts, clothes, cooking for him and playing with him. There is no question that he will be a permanent part of their lives.

i think what’s upset me is that she told me it’s hard having him stay over because she also has to look after her other grandchildren but there was an insinuation that he should stop sleeping over there to make it easier.

he is a very much wanted child who we tried for more than 2 years for. We are both 40now so not sure if I will have another child but this boy was very much planned for and I wanted him to know both sets of grandparents equally. Maybe it’s my fault for wanting that?

OP posts:
MintTwirl · 24/11/2024 23:33

She said that she is tired not that she prefers her other grandchildren. Being around small children is tiring esp silly as you get older, I would be more concerned that your child’s dad might be leaving her to do the childcare when it should be him doing it.

PickAChew · 24/11/2024 23:35

If the child's father is leaving all the care and parenting to his own parents then he needs to pull his finger out.

EvilsElsasPetSnowman · 24/11/2024 23:36

Why don’t you live with your OH OP?

This is all a very strange set up

Original poster
Narniabeckons · 24/11/2024 23:37

thank you for the comments.. it’s very useful to have another perspective.

dad is definitely very hands on and does a lot of feeding/ takes him out/ puts him to sleep. From what I can see, she cooks his lunch and dinner but I was happy to provide these if it made life easier.

I did discuss it with DP and he said she’d been under a bit of stress and she is usually lovely with little one and has no issues with him staying there. I wonder if he is being overly optimistic though and not validating her feelings.

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 24/11/2024 23:37

But that's not what she said at all...

Bigearringsbigsmile · 24/11/2024 23:38

You're both 40? I thought uou were about 20 from your post. Why is a 40 year old man living with his parents?

MintTwirl · 24/11/2024 23:39

I also imagine that it wasn’t in her retirement plans to have her 40 year old son living at home, let alone for him to be bringing a baby into the mix, it’s a very unfair situation to put her in. He really needs to move out and get his own place or move in with you, I have no idea why you both planned a baby in this set up, very selfish tbh.

EvilsElsasPetSnowman · 24/11/2024 23:39

It sounds like your OH has a right cushy number here. The joys of being a dad but without the sleepless nights and hardships. Another woman (who is run ragged by 4 small children) playing maid and nanny to him and his child.

And the odd thing is the women in his life are all pointing the fingers at each other when really they should be pointing them at him.

converseandjeans · 24/11/2024 23:40

Maybe it was the extra unexpected night that meant she had to help out more? Also the other children aren't in her home so she can get back & relax after..

Why can't his Dad come stay with you on a Wednesday night?

Maybe it's time for him to move out? If he's working from home all day too he's probably there a lot. They could just want their own space now?

TheMaenads · 24/11/2024 23:41

Narniabeckons · 24/11/2024 23:37

thank you for the comments.. it’s very useful to have another perspective.

dad is definitely very hands on and does a lot of feeding/ takes him out/ puts him to sleep. From what I can see, she cooks his lunch and dinner but I was happy to provide these if it made life easier.

I did discuss it with DP and he said she’d been under a bit of stress and she is usually lovely with little one and has no issues with him staying there. I wonder if he is being overly optimistic though and not validating her feelings.

How can he be ‘hands on’ if he doesn’t live with his child, and has only just started to have him overnight, while living at his parents’ house? Are you saying he expects his mother to look after him all day on Thursday while he works?

Why have a child with someone living with his parents?

EvilsElsasPetSnowman · 24/11/2024 23:41

MintTwirl · 24/11/2024 23:39

I also imagine that it wasn’t in her retirement plans to have her 40 year old son living at home, let alone for him to be bringing a baby into the mix, it’s a very unfair situation to put her in. He really needs to move out and get his own place or move in with you, I have no idea why you both planned a baby in this set up, very selfish tbh.

Yes and I imagine she’s thinking “Why, when I already care for 3 young kids, am I being expected to look after the child of my 40yo son who won’t move out and won’t take care of his own baby”. I certainly would be.

Shes basically being used for cheap rent and child care by a man who should’ve moved out 20 years ago, and clearly has a stonking sense of entitlement and is seemingly always there. I feel sorry for the poor woman

It saddens me to see adult children take the piss out of their older parents when it comes to childcare. Having a kid young is hard enough let alone when you’re a bit more knackered and sore/cold in new places

Original poster
Narniabeckons · 24/11/2024 23:44

It is a complex situation but we don’t live together because of my work. I was given a secondment to a different area post maternity but the regions are quite large so still too far for me to commute and he is self employed but all his clients are near his work so until my contract finishes end of next year, this seemed to be the best way.

he usually visits us and does nursery pick ups and weekends but I think the drive was getting much and he preferred to have him overnight - which also helped me as I was starting to get burnt out.

for those saying she didn’t mean it in a preferential manner- I don’t think she would ever tell her daughter’s husband it was hard or ask them to reduce childcare so that’s why I felt that it was a slight towards him. Now I’m wondering if I was just too sensitive

OP posts:
Businessflake · 24/11/2024 23:44

he is a very much wanted child who we tried for more than 2 years for. We are both 40now so not sure if I will have another child but this boy was very much planned for and I wanted him to know both sets of grandparents equally. Maybe it’s my fault for wanting that?

I can’t be the only one confused by this.

You planned a child with a man who still lives at home and clearly has no intention of leaving?

This is seriously odd

HellofromJohnCraven · 24/11/2024 23:49

She's probs fed up with being stuck with her man child of a son at home at 40 tbh.

ChocolateTelephone · 24/11/2024 23:49

I don’t think her comment indicated any preference for her nephews but I do think the living arrangements here are insane and need urgent review.

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 24/11/2024 23:49

What????

It’s because she has a longstanding commitment to some childcare for her Dd who has 3 young kids and this time your Ds was there at the time she does this.

That’s all there is to it.

No suggestion that she ‘prefers’ them.

Way too sensitive

Hedgerow2 · 24/11/2024 23:49

i think what’s upset me is that she told me it’s hard having him stay over because she also has to look after her other grandchildren but there was an insinuation that he should stop sleeping over there to make it easier.

Well you've inferred that from her comments but that's not what she said. You're being too sensitive. You've also said how loving she is towards your ds so I doubt very much that she doesn't want to see him. If their son is 40 then presumably your 'MIL' is in her 60s. What do you expect her to say when she's been looking after 4 young children? Of course it's demanding for her! That doesn't mean she isn't willing to do it. Poor woman must be exhausted!

EvilsElsasPetSnowman · 24/11/2024 23:51

But you only live 15 miles apart - you can’t get a house 7.5 miles inbetween?? Especially if he mostly does WFH. Sorry but I agree it’s seriously odd that you don’t live together, and not very good for your son either. Has he always lived at home? Any plans to ever live together? I can’t imagine making the commitment of an actual child but not working out the living logistics.

Your MIL is likely pissed off because she’s expected to be nanny in her retirement x 4 and be collateral damage in her son’s seriously weird choice to live away from his partner and son.

Original poster
Narniabeckons · 24/11/2024 23:58

Catching up on comments and some fair points about DP.. i’m not going to focus too much on his reasons for living at home but he is very successful and financially independent who has his business set up in his home and also some rigidity around routine- so finds it easier to work from there rather than move in with me until we settle wherever I get my next job/ where we decide to send our son to school. Where I live, I still have a commute of 1hr each way to work and back but it’s closer to my family so it seemed the best option.

the point of this post wasn’t really about our relationship or why we are living apart but rather whether I was unreasonable to be aggrieved by this comment about having her grandson staying being hard because of her commitments to looking after her other grandchildren. They aren’t on the same day (so both in laws go on mon/tues to her daughter’s house) and my son gets there around 3.30pm on Wednesday and leaves the next day around 4/5.

i know having a toddler around the house is loud and messy and general havoc but my parents are always so keen to have him and have never mentioned anything to me about minding having him over. I still feel a bit uncomfortable and almost want to reduce my hours at work and keep him with me instead now.

OP posts: