Upset with PILs preference for nephews

[Narniabeckons]

Name changed
have been mulling over this and not sure how best to proceed

i have an 18month old son
not married to his dad and living separately (he lives with his parents and has a comfortable life/ works from home there).
recently he has asked to have his son every week overnight - pick up from nursery on Wednesday and drop back on Thursday evening. We live about 15miles apart which can mean 1.5 hour drive during rush hour traffic. Despite this, it has been going well so far - or so I thought.

I had a day off on Friday and went to pick up my son from theirs on Friday morning last week (so he had 2 night sleepover because I wasn’t feeling well and had a few hospital appointments). I asked MIL (technically not married but she is still treated with same respect) whether it had been hard for her having him there and she replied reluctantly saying yes because she also visits her daughter to help with her 3 sons (aged 8, 5 and 19 months) in the week and it’s demanding for her.

I’m now torn because I don’t my son going to their house when he is not welcome and I feel a bit sad that there seemed to be a clear preference that they would rather look after their daughter’s children than have their son’s child over?

is it because he is staying in their home so they don’t get time to relax?
is it because his dad and I aren’t married (this is playing a bigger part than it should in my head)
should I reduce him staying over and just have visits with grandparents instead so that they don’t start to feel resentful? (His dad wants to continue weekly sleepovers and sod his parents’ feelings).

would be grateful for any advice as I’m feeling a bit bruised on my baby’s behalf and maybe I need to take a step back and do what’s best for everyone.

AIBU- reduce sleepovers and let grandparents relax in their home

AINBU - carry on as dad wants; it’s his home too and he has a right to see his son.

The OP asked her though.

It's simple - a 2 night sleep over is too much for the older lady as it seems she is doing the work and it tires her out. It is not her child, it is the father that should be doing it all -
'His dad doesn’t work when he is there.'
are you 100% sure that he is not working on a Thursday - not at all, not one single phone call or email etc.
so daddy does all the nappy changes, the meals, the reading of books, the taking to the park, the playing with Duplo etc etc etc the bathtime the bedtime the bedtime story, the getting up in the middle of night if needed
100% of it all ?

Why isn't the Dad cooking all the food for his child ?

If he's not working when your child's there why isn't he doing 100% everything.

I really think you are being over sensitive - she normally has him for one night and she'd had him for two - this plus her extra childcare duties you asked the question...she told you she was tired! Doesn't mean she doesn't want him.

He’s lazy . Poor MIL .

Honestly - I think your partner should man up a bit, move in with his new family, looking after you and his baby, not remain at home like a manchild and part time dad

Honestly OP you want to find something to be upset over. Your ovely anyalysing all her comments and reading in to them when the whole truth is There is nothing wrong here. Your MIL sounds kind and your relationship sounds like an utter mess. I would take some time to figure that out.

I can't believe you purposely had a child with a man who still lives in his parents' house who you don't plan to live with in the near future. Your poor child. What an absolutely idiotic setup.

Why should you be grateful to her? Your dp now should be grateful to her, as basically you are separated and she helps with some of the dads moderate contact time. nothing to do with you, you do more than enough parenting so why should you feel guilty either, it’s their dad doesn’t do that much and if anyone should take the load off his mum it’s him.
or is it really that you resent that she has to parent because their dad isn’t?

Why is she having to do anything which makes her tired when your DS is there, his father should be doing all the running around?

It’s all a bit odd.

She didn’t make the comment unprovoked though, you asked her! And in no way did she say your nephews are her favourites. Sounds like she enjoys having him there but of course it will be hard work, that would be true of any toddler.

Why on Earth is she cooking his dinner and tidying up when he leaves? That’s completely unacceptable and should be very much on your DP. I’m sure it would be less hard work for her if she didn’t have to clear up after them both.

@Narniabeckons this is weird! are you sure you are in a relationship with the dad??? why would he have to ask for an overnight visit? does he not just come to stay at yours when he wants? why are you living as two separate people if you have a baby and are together?

I think this is very likely true - although I do note OP asked her if she was OK, it's not like the MiL just started spouting off about how knackered she was... so she likely was tired, and wouldn't have said anything, but you asked when she was at a low point so she was honest with you (rather than waiting to speak to your DP.

You are both in your 4o's and tried to have a baby for two years? Then you separated while pregnant and during your son's first months?

None of this looks good. Are you actually back together now?

Why is he living at home? He's a grown up with a good job. He can move out. This is all ridiculous.

I think you probably are being over sensitive here, OP. Presumably she provides regular care for her daughter’s kids, which would be exhausting in and of itself. To add an extra child in her own home for 2 nights on top of that would be unusually knackering. It doesn’t in any way suggest that she doesn’t want him there or that she favours her daughter’s kids.

You seem not to be listening to comments and ignoring the questions you don't like.
Succinctly;
You have very strange parenting arrangements. Not ideal for your child.
You sem to be determined to make something about you (not) MiL comment rather than ask her DS (the father of the child) to care fully for the child while it is there.
How do you see this working long-term ?

I presume your MIL has done babysitting for several years given the ages of your nephews? She possibly has childcare fatigure. It might not be fair, however I doubt there is any malicious intent by your MIL, unfourtantely you had a grandchild much later.

My mother babysat DD a lot less compared to my siblings dcs, DD was the 7th grandchild and by that point my mother was over looking after young children. She adored my DD and never played favourites but she was older and had enough. It was a bit frustrating, nonethless that is how the cookie crumbled.

Don't you have people in your life whom you prefer to other people in your life?

Surely his dad should be running around after him not her? Bit odd, why isn't he living with you if your together?

If your bf is in his 40s then his parents must be well into their 60s I'd presume. I think MIL was just stating a fact about being tired after looking after her other 3 GC. In fact, it's a lot for her DD to expect her mother to help care for 3 DC, but that's another story.

When your DS is with his dad then dad should be doing all the caring/feeding/bathing/tidying/night waking etc, not leaving anything for his mother to do. If you plan to one day live together then he needs to get his finger out and learn how to do all these things so that it won't be left for you to do it all OP. It would be good to continue his overnights there so that your DS is ok with dad doing stuff for him when he becomes part of the family unit.

I think you've read too much into MIL comment, but then you did ask the question and she was honest about being tired.

If there is a subtext implied, I don't think it's that she prefers the other grandkids, it'll be that DP is clearly relying on her to do care instead of really stepping up himself.

I'd be surprised if she's happy her adult children are draining the life out of her instead of showing any independence or capability. The fact she could be open with you is actually a sign she's close to you, there was absolutely no criticism of you or DS in her comment, more the idea that you'd understand she's ended up doing everything on "his" time.

I think you’ve taken what your MIL said wrongly. She just said she was tired with all the childcare, not that she preferred her daughter’s children. That’s not what she said at all. The issues with you and your DH are separate to this. Honestly - wouldn’t you be tired in her shoes? I know I would be.

I would trust that she is a woman with agency and if she really wanted the situation to change she’d have a conversation with her son about it.

you probably just caught her off guard and she replied candidly that yes she is tired. Doesn’t mean she’d change the situation though. If anyone asks me how I am I very often reply ‘knackered!’ As I’ve got two little ones. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to look after them though - I’m just acknowledging that it’s as hard as it is lovely

How old is this poor woman?
Im in my 60’s and fit and healthy compared to a lot of my peers. However it’s hard to explain how tired I feel compared to 20/30 years ago. Looking after a toddler for one day is exhausting, never mind childminding for several days a week.
You should both be constantly thanking her for her help not acting like teenagers expecting mummy to take responsibility.

You say "his dad doesn't work when he's there" - do you mean your child's dad or your partner's dad? Because if child's dad doesn't work when he is there it is even more bizarre that this sleepover is happening at the grandparents' house rather than your own.