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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset with PILs preference for nephews

140 replies

Narniabeckons · 24/11/2024 23:18

Name changed
have been mulling over this and not sure how best to proceed

i have an 18month old son
not married to his dad and living separately (he lives with his parents and has a comfortable life/ works from home there).
recently he has asked to have his son every week overnight - pick up from nursery on Wednesday and drop back on Thursday evening. We live about 15miles apart which can mean 1.5 hour drive during rush hour traffic. Despite this, it has been going well so far - or so I thought.

I had a day off on Friday and went to pick up my son from theirs on Friday morning last week (so he had 2 night sleepover because I wasn’t feeling well and had a few hospital appointments). I asked MIL (technically not married but she is still treated with same respect) whether it had been hard for her having him there and she replied reluctantly saying yes because she also visits her daughter to help with her 3 sons (aged 8, 5 and 19 months) in the week and it’s demanding for her.

I’m now torn because I don’t my son going to their house when he is not welcome and I feel a bit sad that there seemed to be a clear preference that they would rather look after their daughter’s children than have their son’s child over?

is it because he is staying in their home so they don’t get time to relax?
is it because his dad and I aren’t married (this is playing a bigger part than it should in my head)
should I reduce him staying over and just have visits with grandparents instead so that they don’t start to feel resentful? (His dad wants to continue weekly sleepovers and sod his parents’ feelings).

would be grateful for any advice as I’m feeling a bit bruised on my baby’s behalf and maybe I need to take a step back and do what’s best for everyone.

AIBU- reduce sleepovers and let grandparents relax in their home

AINBU - carry on as dad wants; it’s his home too and he has a right to see his son.

OP posts:

EmotionalSupportPotato · 26/11/2024 06:25

LifeExperience · 26/11/2024 00:38

In your OP you said you ASKED her and she reluctantly told the truth. Now you're saying she "made that comment." Nothing you've said here gives any indication that she intended in any way to make you feel that your son isn't welcome. She merely honestly answered a question she was asked. Unless there's a helluva backstory here that you're not sharing YABVVVVU.

Show quote history

Yeah if anything she probably felt she could open up to you OP which is a good thing?

WhatNoRaisins · 26/11/2024 06:34

If she's of a culture where it's normal for DILs to move in then this set up could feel a bit worst of both worlds. She has the responsibility of a small child living there part of the time but not the extra adult to help around the house.

PicturePlace · 26/11/2024 06:41

Narniabeckons · 25/11/2024 00:21

Does she look after DS during the day Wednesday or Thursday? Or does your partner take time off work?

he is at nursery near me on Wednesday morning so he is picked up at 1 and has his nap in the car, gets to their house around 3 and leaves the next day. His dad doesn’t work when he is there. MiL definitely makes his main meals (dad does breakfast before they wake up) and will probably tidy up after he leaves.

I think it was probably the extra night that’s pushed her to make that comment and maybe I just need to wait and ask DP to have an honest conversation with her about how to proceed.

Don't do this. Every single reply here has told you that you have misinterpreted what your MIL said. Listen to us. Do not cause completely unnecessary drama that you will (judging by your posts) push until it has torn the family apart. Just stop. No one has said anything about your son not being welcome. Get a grip and stop sabotaging.

Candy24 · 26/11/2024 21:16

Narniabeckons · 25/11/2024 13:44

this thread is actually eye opening in terms of how people judge different family set ups and relationships.

I know Aibu can be brutal but I do think some posts have been unnecessarily harsh. I was just after help with whether I should cut back on visits to give her some rest and I think I will definitely be reducing to one night every 2 weeks for now and see how things go, and not extend to 2 nights.

to answer some questions:
the reason the overnight stays were with dad was because I had some health problems and was getting close to burnout since returning to work and struggling with sleep so it was mainly to give me a night off to sleep properly.

It sounds like most people would prefer that he move out but in our culture, multi generational living is quite common- especially with son’s family moving in with his parents. If I had been married and living with them, I don’t think this would be an issue at all and I would be expected to work part time and take on more home responsibilities. Many of you are correct in seeing the issues between me and my partner - but that’s another thread completely and I’ve tried to omit that from here- but we are both very much dedicated to bringing up our child and surrounding him with love.

it’s a bit hurtful to read stranger’s comments telling me I’m selfish and spoilt without knowing my journey or how hard I fought to be able to have my job, my home and my son. Our situation is odd to many - I just didn’t want it to cause added stress to his parents. I will reduce to once every 2 weeks and talk to her again properly when I am next there.

thank you to everyone for your input

Honestly I think due to your illness your feeling low and therefore she could have said the littlest of things and you would you taken offense. When we are ill we aren't exactly thinking straight. I think your struggling. You MIL did nothing wrong. But the example you shared if shared with you feeling ill could have explained why you felt the way you did. HUGS and I hope you feel well sorry. You could also be feeling some guilt for not being able to do it all at the moment. Been there.

NikNak321 · 29/11/2024 07:07

EvilsElsasPetSnowman · 25/11/2024 01:16

I have to say this thread is prompting me to think that I need to make living at home a REALLY unattractive prospect when my kids are adults. I might have to tell them I’m turning into a naturist or something in the hope they’ll stay away

PMSL...with you on that one. It's not even appreciated is it really. Poor MIL. She should be knackered, taken advantage of and grateful for it at ALL times too 🙈🙈🙈

Sootyb · 29/11/2024 07:08

I'd ask your mil, if it is still OK, to leave your son overnight once a week, or if this is to much for her? considering she is already looking after her grown son, this might be to much for her.
So I would be asking your mil this question

Coloursingreydays · 29/11/2024 07:11

Just the thought of being in my 60s having my own son who's prn 30/40 living still in my house not getting out & sucking up still from us plus having to take care of 4 kids in a weekly basics as my own kids cannot pay nursery or care for their kids makes me think aaaa lot. Awful for them. Trying to enjoy their retirement but can't. Of course I will be saying is a lot of work ! Tell your man to move out and he can do ake care of his own son. Awful arrangements.

JollyZebra · 29/11/2024 07:39

You asked her and she gave you an answer you didn't like. She's been honest. If she does the majority of the caring when your son stays, then yes, it probably is tiring. Young children are hard work. I think you're lucky that she is willing to help out like she has, as well as helping her daughter with child care. Be grateful, a lot of single mothers have little support, and your son will have a relationship with his paternal family.

Blueblell · 29/11/2024 07:44

Reading between the lines, do you think it is more that she thinks you should be living together and not that she has a preference for the other grand children.

I would carry on the arrangement.

SarahT1963 · 29/11/2024 08:21

Can understand a little how you feel but.......if you're both in your 40s presumably ex's parents are in 60/70s, maybe they are exhausted with kids . Not everyone wants a full household or wants to look after children anymore if they've done their bit over the years. Mother in law just sounds honest , she'll love your child just as much, doesn't mean that she can't say how she feels . X

Silvers11 · 29/11/2024 10:09

@Narniabeckons I don't know if you are coming back, but if you do, I am not going to comment on your living arrangements at all. They are up to you, and you didn't ask for comments on them.

To answer your question though, I do agree with other posters that you really are taking this the wrong way and nothing you have reported here suggests that your MIL prefers her other grandchildren over your son.

You asked her a direct question and she gave you an honest answer. She would say it the way she did, because she IS already watching 3 other children and your son has come along later. Doesn't mean she doesn't love him as much as the others. She will be in her 60s or 70s I guess and it WILL be hard going watching several small children over the course of a week for her.

That is almost certainly a fact and she was being honest in her reply. It is down to her to discuss with her son, the baby's Dad, if he is leaving her to do all the work of watching his son, while your son is there?

WendyA22 · 29/11/2024 11:37

Narniabeckons · 24/11/2024 23:37

thank you for the comments.. it’s very useful to have another perspective.

dad is definitely very hands on and does a lot of feeding/ takes him out/ puts him to sleep. From what I can see, she cooks his lunch and dinner but I was happy to provide these if it made life easier.

I did discuss it with DP and he said she’d been under a bit of stress and she is usually lovely with little one and has no issues with him staying there. I wonder if he is being overly optimistic though and not validating her feelings.

'Bit under stress'! Poor woman sounds bloody worn out. She will always be closer to her daughters children. She is closer to her daughter than you.

I think tell your partner to step up more.

BeWittyRobin · 29/11/2024 22:04

erm you asked the question and she answered honestly. Just because she admitted it was hard and her reason why, does not mean she favoured her other grandchildren over your child. Sounds like the over night thing is rather new, therefore it will be hard because it’s not been the norm for any of them, your son included.

i honestly feel that your are being a little over sensitive on this matter and reading too much into it. Xx

Emmz1510 · 29/11/2024 22:30

You are reading too much into this

Electricfeels · 29/11/2024 23:10

Kindly OP, I don’t think a chat with MIL is what’s needed here. Instead I would be speaking to your partner about long term plans and living arrangements. If you’re unwell and burnt out, what is he doing to help? Your set up is like that of a separated couple, which is fine if that’s what you want, but it seems you’re getting less support with childcare that way. Why can’t he stay at yours more often to help with your son, even if you don’t want to live together full time?

I understand cultures of multi generational living but surely that doesn’t take priority over a father living with his family. Not getting at you, it just seems like you’re getting the short straw here.

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