Upset with PILs preference for nephews

[Narniabeckons]

Name changed
have been mulling over this and not sure how best to proceed

i have an 18month old son
not married to his dad and living separately (he lives with his parents and has a comfortable life/ works from home there).
recently he has asked to have his son every week overnight - pick up from nursery on Wednesday and drop back on Thursday evening. We live about 15miles apart which can mean 1.5 hour drive during rush hour traffic. Despite this, it has been going well so far - or so I thought.

I had a day off on Friday and went to pick up my son from theirs on Friday morning last week (so he had 2 night sleepover because I wasn’t feeling well and had a few hospital appointments). I asked MIL (technically not married but she is still treated with same respect) whether it had been hard for her having him there and she replied reluctantly saying yes because she also visits her daughter to help with her 3 sons (aged 8, 5 and 19 months) in the week and it’s demanding for her.

I’m now torn because I don’t my son going to their house when he is not welcome and I feel a bit sad that there seemed to be a clear preference that they would rather look after their daughter’s children than have their son’s child over?

is it because he is staying in their home so they don’t get time to relax?
is it because his dad and I aren’t married (this is playing a bigger part than it should in my head)
should I reduce him staying over and just have visits with grandparents instead so that they don’t start to feel resentful? (His dad wants to continue weekly sleepovers and sod his parents’ feelings).

would be grateful for any advice as I’m feeling a bit bruised on my baby’s behalf and maybe I need to take a step back and do what’s best for everyone.

AIBU- reduce sleepovers and let grandparents relax in their home

AINBU - carry on as dad wants; it’s his home too and he has a right to see his son.

You asked her if it was hard she said yes. At least she feels she can be truthful with you.

I'd look at if he could come over yours to look after his son

YABU. Your dp’s mum told you how she was feeling. That’s all.
Let your son go and visit his dad. The way you’re both living might suit you both but it’s not great from your sons perspective. If you want to think about him as a priority then keep him visiting his father during the week.

This - and you asked her on an occasion when your DC had stayed for an extra night for your convenience.

You are being very odd about this. Why do you care how MIL feels about things, she may have just been stating facts. It may be that the other kids are hard work! In any case, Having more kids around is harder than having less.
DP is there and he is the one who should be looking after DS primarily anyway.
In any case, it's kind of not your problem. They are minding him and that's that. It's down to DP to work this through not you.
Giving up more hours at work? Madness. Remember you are not married, you get nothing from him if you break up. CMS is paltry. It's in your best interest to keep maximising your earnings where possible

What I am hearing is NOT that your child is less loved but that his father clearly doesn’t pull his weight and parent his child on the nights your DC stays over - ie he’s asked for the sleep overs and delegated it to his mum. That’s really cheeky and you need to speak to your partner about this as it’s important to you that your child has a good relationship with his GP and does not feel like a burden. As other PPs have said - he may have a cushy life at his parents, but he still needed to be sure having his child over was welcome and ensure that HE and not the MIL is doing the parenting.

This is purely me speculating so take with a pinch of salt but my guess is that your MIL is resentful of her son not being willing to build his own life as an independent adult.

Your living situation is unusual to most of us here so she probably finds it all very odd too and can't see why you don't move in together like most couples with a child would. This is her home, she hasn't chosen to have more children and having a small child living there every week isn't something that she signed up for.

If your DP is not working when he looks after the DS then why can't he do that while living in your home? I don't understand this arrangement at all!

So a very small child has the upheaval of a midweek stay 15 miles away, to be looked after by man-child and his beleaguered mother (who never asked for any of this) and you’re worry is about him being second best to other GC despite all the evidence to the contrary?

This has got to be the ultimate batshit MIL thread, where she is literally a saint and coping with the consequences of bonkers life decisions and just because she dares utter a word of honesty about her own well-being it’s AIBU…

🙄🙄🙄

OP it's not really your concern. It's between dcs father and his mother

Agree - in MN terms, you have a DP problem, not a MIL problem. Frankly your arrangement, given you have a child together, is a little batshit. He needs to grow up. Or you do.

Your MIL us a full time parent to her adult son. I bet the poor woman does all his cooking, laundry, shopping, cleans the house and on top of that is childminder to young children 3 days a week and then has a baby to stay overnight. When does the poor woman have any 'me' time? She probably works harder now than when she had a full time job.

The pair of you need to get your act together and sort out living together properly for the sake of both your child and your boyfriends mother.

for those saying she didn’t mean it in a preferential manner- I don’t think she would ever tell her daughter’s husband it was hard or ask them to reduce childcare so that’s why I felt that it was a slight towards him. Now I’m wondering if I was just too sensitive

But you asked the question. Unless your 'BIL' is far more perceptive than 99% of the partners portrayed on MN he would never have dreamt that this is a question to ask. Has your partner ever asked? I don't think it is a your son issue necessarily, more the whole situation issue.

I would approach it initially with your partner in discussing what your unit can do to ease the situation, such as when it is more than one night he comes to yours. Asking her if it would be easier to longer term juggle the days, so if the others are with her Mon and Tues could she have Wed off and then your ds come Thur night for example. Telling your dh when she is tired (if she doesn't already) so he can cook / get takeaway for everyone. You could also include his sister and BIL who may or may not also be willing to tweak their weeks as well.

Is it really a sleepover with his grandparents or a sleepover with his dad who happens to live at home with his parents? It's not the OP's fault that the grandmother ends up doing childcare that she obviously finds tiring on top of the help she gives with her other grandchildren. That is her son's fault and I'm sure a financially solvent 40 year old could find somewhere decent to live with room for his son. It does seem that the OP is the only one who is concerned about the grandmother's wellbeing.

Entirely agree. It’s a completely insane way to raise a child, and it’s bizarre to hear that this wasn’t an accidental pregnancy, but one the OP and her boyfriend planned and spent years trying to conceive, when they seem too disorganised /uncommitted to be able to raise a child in a stable manner.

If you think about it, the OP focusing on a tiny, unimportant thing (the lack of enthusiasm of her semi-detached boyfriend’s mother for an insane arrangement which benefits no one, certainly not the toddler at the centre of it all) rather than major issues like having a planned child with a 40 year old man who apparently can’t be bothered to move out of his parents’ house or raise his own child on a regular basis, makes sense — her priorities are very skewed.

As others have said, your MIL didn't state a preference- she was just being honest.

It is the living situation that's the problem. When other couples have children together and one needs to move workplace they work together to figure it out, moving half way or one of you commuting.

I'd take the comment from MIL as a hint that he needs to get his shit together and live independently, whether that's alone or with you.

I actually feel a bit sorry for your MIL.

She has her adult son living with her, toddler coming to stay overnight and she helps her daughter with 3 DGC. Of course she is exhausted.
I didn't get a sense from her comment that she prefers her daughter's children. I think she was just honest with your about everything being too much.

I think this is down to your partner to sort out. I don't really understand why he is still living with his parents at his age and if he is financially independent.

It sounds like you are more co-parenting rather than being a family. It's a strange set up.

This.

I feel sorry for the MIL she has a grown adult son living with her and now has to accommodate her grandson overnights because two adults who should know better at their ages decided this fucked up way of raising a child was better

My parents undoubtedly love my children but I know they find it tiring when we visit let alone if I lived there and children regularly stayed over

I asked MIL (technically not married but she is still treated with same respect) whether it had been hard for her having him there and she replied reluctantly saying yes because she also visits her daughter to help with her 3 sons (aged 8, 5 and 19 months) in the week and it’s demanding for her.

You are totally focusing on the wrong thing here.

Your MIL was being honest. And of course it's hard for her, helping to care for and feed four young children!

This is all your boyfriend's fault. He needs to actually look after his own child on the one day a week he sees them, the lazy lump. He needs to stop letting his mum run herself ragged cooking for your dc and cleaning up after him, and that's what you should tell your h.

God.

i think what’s upset me is that she told me it’s hard having him stay over because she also has to look after her other grandchildren but there was an insinuation that he should stop sleeping over there to make it easier.

The insinuation is that her son should look after his own child.

She hasn’t said she doesn’t want him there, she has just stated that it’s tiring.

And this is a bonkers way to bring up a child. Can't you see that?

So you spent two years ttc but didn't talk about where you'd live or how you would share childcare? Insane.

And you're both 40? Very worrying.

Your bf should move out from his poor mum's house and allow her to live in peace.

I think you are being a bit oversensitive. Looking after a toddler is tiring - I'm shattered all the time and my toddler is my absolute world, just because I'm tired and have a grumble to my DH doesn't mean my son isn't ever wanted. Why can't you give your MIL the same grace to express those feelings?

It's not insulting to your child to say that looking after him, and her other grandchildren is tiring. She probably wanted a bit of appreciation and gratitude because it sounds like she was looking after your son despite your co-parent being in the same house - why wasn't he doing most (actually all) of the childcare?

exactly, or why is he still at home?