Upset with PILs preference for nephews

[Narniabeckons]

Name changed
have been mulling over this and not sure how best to proceed

i have an 18month old son
not married to his dad and living separately (he lives with his parents and has a comfortable life/ works from home there).
recently he has asked to have his son every week overnight - pick up from nursery on Wednesday and drop back on Thursday evening. We live about 15miles apart which can mean 1.5 hour drive during rush hour traffic. Despite this, it has been going well so far - or so I thought.

I had a day off on Friday and went to pick up my son from theirs on Friday morning last week (so he had 2 night sleepover because I wasn’t feeling well and had a few hospital appointments). I asked MIL (technically not married but she is still treated with same respect) whether it had been hard for her having him there and she replied reluctantly saying yes because she also visits her daughter to help with her 3 sons (aged 8, 5 and 19 months) in the week and it’s demanding for her.

I’m now torn because I don’t my son going to their house when he is not welcome and I feel a bit sad that there seemed to be a clear preference that they would rather look after their daughter’s children than have their son’s child over?

is it because he is staying in their home so they don’t get time to relax?
is it because his dad and I aren’t married (this is playing a bigger part than it should in my head)
should I reduce him staying over and just have visits with grandparents instead so that they don’t start to feel resentful? (His dad wants to continue weekly sleepovers and sod his parents’ feelings).

would be grateful for any advice as I’m feeling a bit bruised on my baby’s behalf and maybe I need to take a step back and do what’s best for everyone.

AIBU- reduce sleepovers and let grandparents relax in their home

AINBU - carry on as dad wants; it’s his home too and he has a right to see his son.

You can't separate the issues.
Your partners failure to launch is directly linked to her comment.

i know having a toddler around the house is loud and messy and general havoc but my parents are always so keen to have him and have never mentioned anything to me about minding having him over

Are they looking after 3 other young children around the same time?

Why are you worrying about what your partner's parents think? You should be asking your partner why he is so crap at caring for your Dc. I bet you don't rely on your parents!!

Should that matter?
surely if you have children and they both have children (your grandchildren).. whatever age they are, you share your time and love between them all don’t you?

(My nieces are nephews are a lot older now- range from 4-23yo) but my parents have and still do look forward to having sleepovers -and I don’t think have ever made comments about how hard it is having them stay over to my brother/sister in laws).

it’s made me feel uncomfortable and not want him to sleep over there. Most comments here are berating my partner or judging us for our living arrangements- but can anyone see why such a comment would make me feel this way? Even if meant innocently, the fact it’s been said surely means a reaction was expected from me in some form to make things easier?

It didn’t come across to me that she preferred the other children, just that all the childcare is exhausting- including helping with the other kids!
It’s her responsibility to make sure she communicates to both her son and her daughter that she’s finding it too much (if that’s the case). Nothing for you to worry about or get involved in.

Because I’m letting my child sleep there without me and I don’t want him to be in a place he’s not wanted

Your poor MIL must be exhausted! Shes spends the nearly all weekdays looking after grandchildren. Im sure thats all her comment implies. Her grown adult kids seem overly reliant on her. Your DP seems to be oblivious to it all.

Youve said your parents are happy to have your DS but are they spending the rest of the week cooking and cleaning up after you and then other grandkids?

Trying not to be judgemental but in the 2 years you were trying for this child, you should've come up with a better plan. Youre living hours away from each other and this child seems to be passed from pillar to post on a weekly basis.

Because I’m letting my child sleep there without me and I don’t want him to be in a place he’s not wanted

You're imagining that he's not wanted though.

They aren’t on the same day (so both in laws go on mon/tues to her daughter’s house) and my son gets there around 3.30pm on Wednesday and leaves the next day around 4/5

I imagine that 4 days with small children plus having her adult son there majority of the time is hard work & she was probably just worn out & had expected Thursday evening & Friday morning to be child free.

Does she look after DS during the day Wednesday or Thursday? Or does your partner take time off work?

You’re imagining he’s not wanted there - this is very much a you problem. Where on earth is your partner/husband/bf - why isn’t HE looking after his own son. Such a strange setup - it’s your son I feel most sorry for.

MIL may well be judging you both.
You've both made a right mess at this. At your ages as well.

You can carry on creating any drama you want in your head. . The reality is yohead.both made decions that have invaded and inconvenienced her.
What you should be wondering is how you will be showing her your gratitude.
Because right now you sound bit spoilt.

Does she look after DS during the day Wednesday or Thursday? Or does your partner take time off work?

he is at nursery near me on Wednesday morning so he is picked up at 1 and has his nap in the car, gets to their house around 3 and leaves the next day. His dad doesn’t work when he is there. MiL definitely makes his main meals (dad does breakfast before they wake up) and will probably tidy up after he leaves.

I think it was probably the extra night that’s pushed her to make that comment and maybe I just need to wait and ask DP to have an honest conversation with her about how to proceed.

Duplicate post.

We are commenting on the living arrangements because it is unfair on your MIL. If your partner lived with you or had his own home then she would be able to play a normal grandparent role like your parents are able too and have him for sleepovers or days together when it works for her.

Instead she has her 40 year old son living at home and he has decided it would be great to plan and have a baby and now to have the baby stay over at her home on a regular basis. This is on top of her childcare arrangements with her daughter. And you are upset that she admitted that she is tired?

Why isn't your partner looking after his child at your house overnight?
I find it so odd. You're parenting as if you're separated. Do you think it's in the best interests of your child to be raised this way?

You're not really understanding the comments are you?

It's defo a you thing which I think may stem from guilt due to the -quite honestly- shite set up you've managed to get into.

Your 'MIL' didn't volunteer this information though. You asked her and she 'admitted reluctantly' that she found it hard. What's wrong with that? I'm in my 60s and don't have the energy I used to have. I'll happily admit I find it 'hard' when all my adult kids come to stay at the same time. But that doesn't mean I don't love them with all my heart. I love it when they all descend - even though I find it very tiring.
You're reading far too much into one comment.

Yes, this.

you and your p need to work out the best way to care for your without involving your p's poor mum!!

You're parenting as if you're separated. Do you think it's in the best interests of your child to be raised this way?

we did separate for some time during my pregnancy and after he was born - this contributed to some of the decisions as to why we don’t currently live together.

I agree a child thrives when living with both parents but we don’t always live in a perfect world and this is our set up so I have to work around it.

I am very grateful of course for any childcare from both sets of grandparents. I insisted on nursery for that reason so that they weren’t relied upon too much.. and got a lot of stick for it from some family members who didn’t want me going back to work!

it seems the consensus is I am being too sensitive and should carry on with the overnight stays but be grateful to mil and show gratitude when I can.

Op it sounds like she's just tired, but she should have had that conversation with her son and not you.

So financially successful he lives at home with mummy? Also his business is set up in his parent’s home not his. Sorry OP but none of it makes sense as to why you don’t live together. If he WFH and sees client occasionally surely it’s better to move in with you and make the occasional commute? Hes basically behaving like a bachelor and you’re both behaving like you’re split. This is directly impacting his poor exhausted mum who in retirement spends most of the week looking after small children and not even being able to have her home to herself. I’d also have a red flag at his comment of “Sod his parents feelings”. It’s not his house, he should have some respect. Instead his poor mum is treated as a free nanny by her ungrateful children and woe betide she has any feelings of anything other than total adulation.

No I can’t see how a comment would make you feel that way. It’s your OH taking the piss that’s annoying her. And I bet your parents don’t have a 40yo still living at home expecting childcare on a regular basis. Your MIL is a human and being treated pretty poorly all round.

And of course it matters that your parents don’t do regular childcare. Your MIL spends 4 days a week looking after 4 kids, collectively saving you and SIL hundreds every week! For free! And she’s old, she’s knackered and probably picking up on the fact no one gives two shits about the impact on her.

If this was my son I’d be thinking g “He lives at home, is loaded, why the fuck am I doing childcare for free for a son who doesn’t care about my feelings”. Tell Mr Hands On to put your son in childcare if he’s so financially successful

I don’t normally judge people living with their parents at 40 because usually it’s a temporary measure due to an adverse life event. But Imposing on your parents and their living space when you don’t need to, for entirely selfish reasons, is a dickhead move. I’d struggle to fancy someone like that.

You could fix that by living with your OH

He is wanted there obviously. But you asked if it was exhausting and she said yes. I’m about half her age and would find it exhausting to look after an 18mo.

Im gonna tell you what i tell my kids: don’t ask a question if you’re not gonna like the answer.

I have to say this thread is prompting me to think that I need to make living at home a REALLY unattractive prospect when my kids are adults. I might have to tell them I’m turning into a naturist or something in the hope they’ll stay away

it seems the consensus is I am being too sensitive and should carry on with the overnight stays but be grateful to mil and show gratitude when I can.

No I think the consensus is stop putting upon your poor MIL and sort this living situation out. The damage that this kind of dynamic can cause isn’t that viable in an 18mo but it is there.