Upset with PILs preference for nephews

[Narniabeckons]

Name changed
have been mulling over this and not sure how best to proceed

i have an 18month old son
not married to his dad and living separately (he lives with his parents and has a comfortable life/ works from home there).
recently he has asked to have his son every week overnight - pick up from nursery on Wednesday and drop back on Thursday evening. We live about 15miles apart which can mean 1.5 hour drive during rush hour traffic. Despite this, it has been going well so far - or so I thought.

I had a day off on Friday and went to pick up my son from theirs on Friday morning last week (so he had 2 night sleepover because I wasn’t feeling well and had a few hospital appointments). I asked MIL (technically not married but she is still treated with same respect) whether it had been hard for her having him there and she replied reluctantly saying yes because she also visits her daughter to help with her 3 sons (aged 8, 5 and 19 months) in the week and it’s demanding for her.

I’m now torn because I don’t my son going to their house when he is not welcome and I feel a bit sad that there seemed to be a clear preference that they would rather look after their daughter’s children than have their son’s child over?

is it because he is staying in their home so they don’t get time to relax?
is it because his dad and I aren’t married (this is playing a bigger part than it should in my head)
should I reduce him staying over and just have visits with grandparents instead so that they don’t start to feel resentful? (His dad wants to continue weekly sleepovers and sod his parents’ feelings).

would be grateful for any advice as I’m feeling a bit bruised on my baby’s behalf and maybe I need to take a step back and do what’s best for everyone.

AIBU- reduce sleepovers and let grandparents relax in their home

AINBU - carry on as dad wants; it’s his home too and he has a right to see his son.

If he only lives with his parents because of work and he doesn't work on Thursdays while your son is there, why doesn't he drive to your place on Wednesday evening and stay the night?

Your set up makes very little sense and I can understand why his mother is feeling put upon.

I get it, you are not being unreasonable to be upset.

If the insinuation was that she is tired and would rather see less of your son that is one thing. It is extra hurtful because she is saying she is prioritising a close relationship with his cousins over her relationship with your son. It is for her to choose how to spend her energy and it appears that is with the other grandchildren to the detriment of a similar close relationship with your child, it is hurtful.

it is natural for her to feel closer to the ones she knows best so seeing less of her may perpetuate the situation

But if she’s not actually providing childcare for her son, because he presumably doesn’t work on Thursdays, then how is she prioritising relationships? She still does childcare Mon and Tues, and then her DGS is presumably just a visitor in her house.

This poor woman not only has her 40 year old son living and working from her home, she also has one of two sets of grandchildren in her house for most of her week days.

Why she hasn't told the lot of you to piss off is beyond me.

You live 15 miles apart, the fact that this is the 'family' set up you have decided is best, is ridiculous. If he doesn't work when he takes DS to his mums for the overnight visit then why is he going there in the first bloody place? why can't he come and stay at yours on these days?

You're either together or you're not, sort it out for your childs sake.

this thread is actually eye opening in terms of how people judge different family set ups and relationships.

I know Aibu can be brutal but I do think some posts have been unnecessarily harsh. I was just after help with whether I should cut back on visits to give her some rest and I think I will definitely be reducing to one night every 2 weeks for now and see how things go, and not extend to 2 nights.

to answer some questions:
the reason the overnight stays were with dad was because I had some health problems and was getting close to burnout since returning to work and struggling with sleep so it was mainly to give me a night off to sleep properly.

It sounds like most people would prefer that he move out but in our culture, multi generational living is quite common- especially with son’s family moving in with his parents. If I had been married and living with them, I don’t think this would be an issue at all and I would be expected to work part time and take on more home responsibilities. Many of you are correct in seeing the issues between me and my partner - but that’s another thread completely and I’ve tried to omit that from here- but we are both very much dedicated to bringing up our child and surrounding him with love.

it’s a bit hurtful to read stranger’s comments telling me I’m selfish and spoilt without knowing my journey or how hard I fought to be able to have my job, my home and my son. Our situation is odd to many - I just didn’t want it to cause added stress to his parents. I will reduce to once every 2 weeks and talk to her again properly when I am next there.

thank you to everyone for your input

This occurred to me. Can you ask her what she’d like? Also, it seems that she’s brought her son up, possibly her daughter too, to assume that she’ll provide whatever they want, so be aware of that

I don't think you are selfish and spoilt OP. I think that possibly your partner is, but we don't have enough information about him to know for sure.

It is obvious that you were concerned for your MIL, as well as being a bit upset that it seemed that she didn't want your child to stay overnight.

I hope the talk with her goes OK.

I don’t think you’re selfish or spoiled either OP, but your OH is and I think you’re a bit blind to it where perhaps your MIL is not. The burnout sounds exhausting- a 2 hour commute each day! This could be so easily remedied if your OH lived with you.

I don’t know a culture whereby a man lives with his parents when he has a long-term partner and child. Especially when that long term partner has health issues and is understandably burnt out.

I know Italian culture often has men living at home until 30 or so but they certainly move out when they have a family of their own

Exactly she is implying she would rather not have her DGS as a visitor because she is tired from the childcare she is kindly providing for the other DGC

That is hurtful as she isn’t even being asked to do childcare here just be a grandma

it actually just leads me to believe that she IS doing childcare though.

Thing is she’s understandably tired from looking after the other 3 kids, and then another 18mo visitor is the very next day in her house not through her choice or asking. OP asked if she was tired and she gave an honest reply. Should she have lied?

Probably or phrased it better. She didn’t invite or really want to see DGS so it is not unreasonable for OP to be upset.
She could have taken a day off from seeing the other 3 kids the next week if she was tired but she instead made op feel unwelcome enough that she is only going to see that DGS every 2 weeks now (from the update)
That is prioritising

So she gets no break? Presuming mil is over 60/70s? She’s probably knackered if his dad works from home. Is he doing any childcare or is he dumping it all on his mum? My aunt, just over 70, is shattered from all the childcare-recently just the youngest of 7 who is 3-and delighted he’s going to nursery now. You’re being over-sensitive.

My fit and active MIL spent 3 years looking after my niece and nephew before they went to school, when she was in her early 60’s, because both BIL and SIL were seriously disorganised with their childcare and couldn’t find a babysitter 2 days a week. It aged MIL about 10 years, and she still worked on her other days except Sundays! I remember her telling me how excited she used to be for those Sundays to come around and I thought what a shit life being almost retired and still working like a donkey.

I think it would be easier if people can afford to use childcare just don’t use family, it seems to create all sorts of messes.

I asked MIL (technically not married but she is still treated with same respect) whether it had been hard for her having him there and she replied reluctantly saying yes because she also visits her daughter to help with her 3 sons (aged 8, 5 and 19 months) in the week and it’s demanding for her.

How have you concluded from that, that she doesn't want your son there? 🙄

Why did you ask her a leading question if you weren't prepared to hear the answer? Would you be happier if she'd lied and said oh no, easiest thing ever? You asked, she was truthful; she didn't say anything about wanting to stop having him. "She replied reluctantly" - well not surprising, she was put on the spot as to whether to tell a lie or be honest and upset you.

It's not very "respectful" to put her in an awkward situation, then threaten to not let her see him as much because she answered honestly.

I feel really sorry for your mil here. You put her on the spot, with a silly question - and when she didn't lie in response you have twisted her answer into meaning that your son isn't welcome and she prefers her other GC.

That and faux naive comments like I wanted him to know both sets of grandparents equally. Maybe it’s my fault for wanting that? suggest quite a passive aggressive, immature attitude on your part.

Regardless of your home set up, you need to grow up and stop looking to pick apart the woman's answer. You and your OH are free to find whatever works for you, but if that means your mil is picking up his slack and being judged for admitting it's hard she has my deepest sympathies. Maybe it is time for a chat between your OH and his parents on what would lessen their load.

There is no culture where it is normal have multi-generational living where the adult son lives with his parents separately from his child. Nice try.

It still doesn't make sense that if he's not working on the days your child goes to him that he couldn't just go to you and properly care for his child instead of leaving it to his mum.

15 miles is nothing. No way is that an hour and a half

It sounds like most people would prefer that he move out but in our culture, multi generational living is quite common- especially with son’s family moving in with his parents.

In which culture is it common for a 40 year old man to live with his parents (for his own comfort), rather than with his partner and baby?

It's really rare that a grandparent who already looks after dgc cuts back on that when an additional grandchild comes along. It's a bit rubbish, but they usually don't want to go back on established commitments. I don't read this as a preference at all, more that she doesn't enjoy your ds as much because she's already wrecked from looking after 3 others. I highly doubt it's anything to do with you not being married, or that she's worried he's going to disappear from her life.

Yes, I’ve not come across this culture either. Multi-generational living is absolutely widespread, but in that type of culture it would be highly unusual for a partner and father to live away from his partner and child, with his own parents. If you don’t want to live with his parents, why isn’t he living with you and your long-planned child?

I thought they didn’t live together because of OP’s work and now it’s her OH’s culture.
Which begs the question of why her SIL doesn’t live with her MIL

In your culture is the wife of the son expected to move in and start to take over the household/ look after the parents as they get older? Perhaps this is part of the MIL concern that you are positioning yourself away from the family.

I think you are majorly over reacting and as it's his dads job to look after him it should not be a problem.
They will get used to having an extra person in the house sometimes and presumably their son will eventually more out.
Where you get the idea she prefers other grandchildren I don't know, I think she's saying it's just as tiring but she goes to their house so can leave.

In your OP you said you ASKED her and she reluctantly told the truth. Now you're saying she "made that comment." Nothing you've said here gives any indication that she intended in any way to make you feel that your son isn't welcome. She merely honestly answered a question she was asked. Unless there's a helluva backstory here that you're not sharing YABVVVVU.