to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

[BaklavaRocks]

Inspired by another thread, and some old YouTube documentaries I've recently watched, I can't help but feel boarding schools for under 13's (i.e. boarding prep schools) have had their time.

Maybe they used to be an acceptable option, but with all the research we now have available, showing the damage done by separation of young children from their parents, do you think boarding for v young kids (8/9/10/11) will eventually be banned except in v exceptional circumstances?

And if our politicians including past PMs like Johnson and Cameron were not a product of boarding schools, do you think they'd have more compassion and be less cut off from emotion and feelings? and better able to relate to us common folk?

There was another boarding school documentary made at a similar time to the one you linked, @BaklavaRocks , called Britain's Youngest Boarders and filmed at Sunningdale School.

The documentary has now been taken down because one of the boys died in 2020 aged just 19 https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00txn31

😥😥

But it was alright to be sent but you won’t isn’t that a bit telling and not buying I’d miss them to much.

have you asked your parents if they missed you and why if military did they send you as most of the mums were stay at home as a lot couldn’t work without the countries work visas unless mum was military too which is rare.

But everyone is saying it’s all different now,like hell it is as this has proven sad all round just sad

I agree. Babies not being collected by parents until 6pm five days a week - how could this have become normalised? I know both parents often need to work to make ends meet and I’m not apportioning blame to them, but this way of raising children feels like a dangerous (and sad) social experiment to me.

I think Rachel Johnson saying bringing up children should be left to professionals tells you everything you need to know about Britain's elite really. Why have children if you are just going to use "professional services" to bring them up-what are you having children for?
Several people have made the point that some children thrive at boarding school- this is true, but they are probably well balanced and would equally have thrived at home.
My own father was sent away to school at 7, and is emotionally stunted because of it. IMHO 7 is far too young- if a 13 year old likes the idea-why not try it, but otherwise I think people should bring up their own children, parents are rarely perfect but it is extremely rare for them to be so awful an alternative is preferable.

I'd have loved to have gone to a boarding school, - it really wasn't wonderful at home.

I'm in my 50s and dating a man similar age. He went boarding from prep school. He's a lovely man, but I can tell that he's emotionally damaged. He very seldom shows any vulnerability, but he has told me how he would beg to stay at home and go to the local indie rather than being sent to boarding school. He finds it difficult to trust, he's admitted. And he's also said that he'd never send his DC boarding. I think it's the conflict between knowing the money his parents spent on a great education and how grateful he should be for that, and remembering the emotional pain he went through at the same time. He's previously been drinking a lot, have had problems with relationships etc.

I'm only still with him, because it suits me to take it slowly right now, and we are moving forward as a couple. But I probably won't be able to deal with it longer term.

It makes me sad to see how badly this has impacted him. I've got no doubt that it is boarding from such an early age, that's impacted him this badly.

I felt like that at 18 when i went to uni 4 hours away from my family home. You might call me a wet wipe but honestly i cannot ever imagine sending my kids to boarding school at a younger age. They are far too precious for me to miss a moment away from them as they will one day fly the nest when ready. They are at school everyday anyway and then clubs, the last 2 hours I spend with them each evening after spending a busy day at school and me at work and hugging them and kissing them regulating their emotions is the best thing ever.

I so agree. I don't believe any child genuinely loves boarding school unless there is something quite seriously amiss with their home life or there are other problems going on or developing. I went to boarding school, and I remember to this day the sheer misery of homesickness. Over my dead body would I have sent to my children to one.

You may be right but I think one would be hard pushed to find someone more detached and cold fish-like in how he comes across than Sir Keir Starmer.

One thing to mention about boarding schools is that they can be essential for some parents because of their work.

There are also State boarding schools.

A million per cent not comparable to boarding school.

I just knew someone would attempt to make this (bullshit!) point. Not remotely comparable.

It's not a "social experiment" either. It's perfectly normal and has been the case for very many years now. Perhaps we shouldn't send our children to school either, if that's how you look at it?!

Any links to the student death.
I can only find the story about a mum dieing after being hit by a car on site. A 19yr old employee practicing driving apparently ?!

That doesn't mean it's okay? Children can express their feelings in a way a 12 month old baby cannot

My grandma in the 1920s was (apparently) sent by train from Scotland to London to Boarding School aged 3. My Dad was sent in the early 50s aged 6/7 I think. My grandma was a formidable woman who overcame many tragedies (stillbirth, fairly early widowhood etc), and my Dad was loving and caring but also had his own tragedies (lost his dad and also had a few cancers).

i was desperate to go to boarding school (Mallory Towers, St Clare’s) but wasn’t allowed, Now, with my own children, I fully understand why I wasn’t allowed.

That's so mad. There's nothing about working in a boarding school which makes you a "professional" when it comes to bringing up children. Apart from anything else, you will almost always be dealing with several children, even if you are something like a house mother in a boarding house; and you will only actually see them for around half the year, so you will never develop the sort of relationships that good parenting requires.

Unfortunately it illustrates the sort of upbringing Rachel Johnson had when she didn't experience any sort of normal parent/child relationship because of her mother's illness and her father's distance.

If you think an individual is cold and emotionally detached (Starmer doesn't seem like that to me at all) then OK, but the point surely is that he wouldn't be improved by boarding.

My sister works in a boarding school and some of the stories she tells are heartbreaking. Yes it's modern and not-like-that-anymore but ultimately it's foster care for rich people. The staff are lovely (like my sister) but they don't love the children, however much they might care. And the children know they're being raised by people who don't love them. That's so damaging.

I met a really withdrawn, quiet boy when I was round hers recently. Polite but very distant. I said 'Oh is he shy?' she said 'No, he's just gone in on himself. He cried himself to sleep every night for the first half term but he's stopped now, but doesn't talk as much'. I wouldn't treat a dog like that.

Another factor is that because boarding is getting less popular these days, they have more and more international boarders. English boarding school has a certain prestige to wealthy families in some countries. So now not only do you have abandoned children growing up in care, you have abandoned children growing up in care OVERSEAS so they can't even go home every few weeks like the rest, and everyone is speaking a different language to them. It's deeply traumatic for them. Can you imagine sending your child overseas to board? We're talking about kids aged 8, 9, 10... It should be illegal.

Yanbu. It’s awful. Poor kids need a bedtime story, a cuddle and “I love you” every night as a minimum. Why have children just to send them away for huge portions of the year? I will never understand it.

That's so much bullshit about children only "see[ing] their parents at weekends"!! I don't know if you have been living under a rock, but children have been sent to childcare to enable their parents to work for several generations! I don't think it's "horrific" at all! I was quite often breastfeeding my child during the night and in the morning before they went to nursery. I collected them and was with them all evening and when they needed me during the night.

They're all in their 20s now and doing well in life. I don't think they've been negatively affected by childcare any more than I think they've been positively affected by being breastfed!

You're really not the "first generation"!! I can tell you the consequences - so far I have two degree educated DC with additional PG qualifications, who are happy, healthy, outgoing and successful in all areas of their lives. Plus a 3rd DC, same scenario, but in final year as an undergrad.

I don't know why you think this is "taboo to discuss" because it's discussed on here pretty often, let alone IRL!

Boarding schools and nurseries are not remotely comparable!

You'd "separate babies and toddlers" from their dads ok because wow, men get to go to work without having the fucking guilts piled on them!!

My XDH went to boarding school from age 11, and a lot of his friends. That's not the awful experience, the awful experience is having parents who also don't give a fuck.

So, you can be a child who goes to boarding school and comes home in holidays to welcome, joy and laughter, or one who returns to indifference and can't wait for the kid to fuck off back to school.

Me personally, I'd have loved to have been sent to boarding school away from my parents who really didn't give a fuck.

And yet there are so many people who have dealt with Starmer personally who will tell you that he's a really kind man. He just doesn't make a song and dance about it. This is one example - x.com/jimrobottom/status/1793727207732613549

Re your point about daycare, it’s not comparable. The children will still get love from the parent(s) daily (before and after nursery) and at weekends and often they’re not even attending five days per week. Whilst I agree it’s not ideal, it’s just not the same deprivation of daily love and affection as boarding school.

I tend to agree that it's not something that is very good until the teen years.

I do think it can be a good experience for teens (esp 15+) if it's a well run place and if the home life is also given serious consideration - so the children see their parents regularly, spend time at home, and have a warm relationship with them.

Not like some kids I knew in university who not only boarded but spent all summer at a camp. Usually from age 12. They all seemed messed up.

I do think there is some place to consider boarding as an option for children whose home life is bad and can't be improved. Or where there is no home. I've known of a few cases of children in fostering situations that seemed very unstable and thought those kids might be better off in a fairly stable institutional setting.

I also agree with some pp that we are a little contradictory in our thinking about boarding for young kids vs nursery type situations which involve long hours for quite young children.

I remember this! The parents weren’t away on business - they were on a skiing holiday. And had chosen a skiing holiday over seeing their baby on her first birthday too. I’ve never forgotten it.