to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

[BaklavaRocks]

Inspired by another thread, and some old YouTube documentaries I've recently watched, I can't help but feel boarding schools for under 13's (i.e. boarding prep schools) have had their time.

Maybe they used to be an acceptable option, but with all the research we now have available, showing the damage done by separation of young children from their parents, do you think boarding for v young kids (8/9/10/11) will eventually be banned except in v exceptional circumstances?

And if our politicians including past PMs like Johnson and Cameron were not a product of boarding schools, do you think they'd have more compassion and be less cut off from emotion and feelings? and better able to relate to us common folk?

My view isn’t terribly educated other than an understanding of what young children need. For most children, home is the best place until they are at least 13. For a few, whose home life are terrible, boarding is probably a better place sadly.

I would agree with this. My parents weren't huggers past a young age, in fact the only time my Dad hugged me is if he felt remorseful after one of his many full-on temper tantrums at me, he has a very bad anger issue and is still the same.
My Mum was amazing, but she worked long hours and went to college some nights too,I was always alone in the house or in my bedroom hiding from my Dad. As I got older I absolutely did not want affection. Strangely as an adult I have been overly affectionate and loving and it has had me walked all over in relationships, single now and having been alone for so long even while in relationships I feel I have more or less given up.

Boarding wasn't an option for my family-but even with the abusive father, I wouldn't have wanted to go. I was shy and quiet and liked my own space, being around other people all day was and is exhausting for me.

I know one ex-boarder well. He wasn't a boarder for long, I think two years or such. Father had a job that took them to Saudi Arabia and they didn't want to take the children with them.

He is one of three siblings. He's an intelligent, capable man, an excellent carpenter and DIY-er with a high intellectual level. He's never doen much in his life however. He is an alcoholic who lives in utter squalor. He held down an 'okay' job at the council for many years but eventually succumbed to his alcoholism and was let go.

His Sister (also a boarder) has done well but had many abusive relationships before her most recent partner. She spoke to me at length about being hit with slippers and shoes and other objects. As male and female they were in different houses but he would be sent over to comfort her most nights as she was crying uncontrollably. They also said the food was atrocious and they'd often just not eat. Fractured relationship with their Mother (father is deceased but had been estranged since they were young).

Their youngest sibling (also female) didn't board, but is also an alcoholic.

My closest male friend went to a boarding school as a day pupil. A few years ago the (sexual and physical) abuse by the priests there was exposed and many of his friends had been victim to it. A lot of them thought it was just normal and hadn't ever talked about it.

I couldn't do it.

We send our kids to nursery due to work, but nothing beats hugging my kids every day, kissing them, reading to them and seeing their little faces sleeping safely in their warm beds at home.

I'm sorry you went through all this :( 💐

I went to boarding school as a sixth former and found it disturbing to:

a) see kids as young as 8 at boarding school, with no one to hug them when they were upset. Some of the more unpopular younger boys were bullied badly in their dorms (and were covered in bruises from beatings dished out the previous night)

b) find that some children had no valid reason to be at boarding school - their parents lived in nearby cities but had shipped their kids off to boarding school so they could focus on their careers or their new partners, it seemed. The pretence was of course that boarding school offered xyz that the local school didn't have. Honestly, children need parents more than extensive grounds and onsite sports equipment.

c) discover that most of the staff were emotionally absent. Kids that got into trouble were invariably 'learning invaluable lessons from their behaviour', aka the attitude was don't do it again or you'll suffer the same consequences. Your problem, not mine. The kids were a job to them, IYSWIM. No one was parental, warm or caring, apart from one middle-aged lady who worked in a support role; she couldn't help herself.

Honestly, not an environment I'd recommend for children who ultimately still need parenting. Probably okay for older teenagers.

My eldest went to boarding school at 14. He didn’t have to board, the school has day students too and we lived 30 minutes away.

He absolutely loved boarding, rarely came home at weekends. Happy family home, no issues at all, he simply loved the school.

He’s in his early 20’s now, lives at home. Caring, well adjusted young man. Still pops into his old school to see house parents/teachers and talks so very fondly of his time there.

Thanks @MolkosTeenageAngst

I asked the question about missing hugs etc.. precisely because I couldn't imagine a child that had affectionate warm loving huggy parents would love boarding school that much. I was wondering what the reply would be. It wasn't a naivity around parenting. Quite the opposite.

It doesn't surprise me that children with parents who are distant and not warm might enjoy some aspects of boarding school and fair better there.than at home.

I actually agree with all your post.

We would stay in the infirmary with matron. And she was lovely. She'd spoil us rotten and we had tv in our room! We'd fake being poorly to be in there!

I think boarding schools could be very helpful for children from fractured families, eg acrimonious divorce or mental health issues

So, craving and then revelling in attention, care and home comforts from a maternal figure… I think that’s probably quite telling isn’t it?

I absolutely cringed at the gap year woman saying to little April "Try not to be upset" and "It makes your parents upset if you are upset" - heavens above. She is allowed to be upset - it is a normal emotion under the circumstances; and to imply that she has responsibility for her parents' happiness is simply appalling.

This is one of the main reasons not to send children away - someone else will be imposing their emotional judgments and their values on your child, 24 hours a day.

It is utterly dreadful. Who makes that decision that education is more important than normal attachments and relationships - no wonder our leaders who went through the system are so blind to the needs of others - they have had to sublimate their needs from such a young age. It is warped and quite shocking.

@BaklavaRocks A family member's wife was a nanny, very wealthy family in London- an absolute tragedy when the young person took their own life.
{they had qualified Nanny then boarding school}
Definitely emotional coldness and distance in certain wealthy families.

A lot of old pony books from 1940's/50's assumed a child would be at boarding school as well, and talked of getting ponies fit for the holidays/hunting.

It broke my mum's heart sending us to boarding school, 2 of us primary, 2 older, but my dad's job was a very difficult one in a place where there were no educational options for ex pat children and none at all for girls... nothing to do with being rich or privileged, it was a very dangerous part of the world, his employer paid the boarding fees, tuition was free, paid for by the state.

@BaklavaRocks

If it's ok to ask (don't answer if not), how are your relationships now? Stable partner? -
Yep, married to my partner of 25 years and have children. Very happy :)

Would you let your children (if you have them) board at age 10?
No, not because I think it would be bad for them. I would miss them too much.

Did you miss you mum and dad when you were away from them at 10? Are you close? Were you close?
I did miss them. I was a daddy's girl through and through. I was a weekly boarder for the first few years so went home at the weekend.
My parents were in the forces so lots of kids around me went to boarding school. I wanted to go as had a friend going. And I loved Enid Blyton books about boarding schools lol.

Was it all positive or anything that was less so?
I did get homesick at times, but not often. I can't really think of anything else :)

I can’t comment on the affects of boarding from a young age as ours only boarded in their final Alevel years after badgering us for some time to do so. None of their early boarding friends seem to have been badly affected, they are all well rounded really polite people as far as I can see.

Boris Johnson didn’t board from 8 he started at age 11yrs and only because his mother had a nervous breakdown.

David Cameron I think boarded earlier as his prep school was all boarding but in small houses of 8 pupils only. He was put up 2yrs due to being so intelligent, I assume that’s after starting prep though as there’s no boarding at age 5.

No idea if boarding affected them but Margaret Thatchers school didn’t exactly do her any favours.

😥💐

My elderly mum still regularly talks about her short spell at boarding school as a young kid. Horrible.

That said, I can see the necessity. I know someone who went from 8-18 and it was because her dad left and her mum then died when the child was 8. It enabled her then 18yo brother to keep custody of her.

I believe Boris Johnson’s mother had serious mental (inpatient) and physical health issues, and was being beaten by her husband - who sent Boris to boarding schools as a result of his mum being unable to look after him.

My brother went to one at 11. Now in his early 40s he’s going through a lot of emotional reflection and is struggling with the damage he feels has been done due to being sent at a young age.

Thanks @DrunkTinkerbell40s Nice to hear a positive story! I know what you mean about your own DC, I'd miss mine too much too 🙂

@corkindigo during covid the infirmary at my boys school was fit to bursting.
No one went home as most lived abroad and couldn't travel.

My daughter is a day girl at a boarding school.

So I often hear about what her friends are up to at the weekend/evenings.

While I'd never want to send DD away, I must admit having now had experience of a modern boarding school it's very very different to how I'd imagined it.

The boarding staff are so sweet and motherly and the boarders have really lovely evenings and weekends. Movies, pamper parties, outdoor activities, shopping trips, baking etc. This weekend was bowling and cinema yesterday and baking Christmas cookies and making decorations today.

Much less screen time than most children these days.

I'd still not want DD not living with me, but it's changed my opinion quite a bit. Certainly for secondary age anyway.

Poor old Boris. I almost feel sorry for him

I didnt love boarding school but my parents were highly abusive and it was better than being at home with them.

I don't know. I had a very happy childhood and loved my parents, but I have to admit that from the age of 13-14, my evenings after school were boring. I didn't want to say goodbye to my friends at 3.15pm and pre social media, just do homework/watch rubbish television. Yes I chatted to my parents, but in all honesty at that age, they were "second best" and I often used the "landline" (after 6 pm mind!) to phone the friends I'd just said goodbye to.
A weekly boarding school from Monday morning to Friday evening would have been the best of both worlds.

I can’t imagine anything I’d have found more stressful than “a sleepover with my friends every night” even in my later teens. Even when I enjoyed sleepovers I found them to be a pretty high stakes social situation, especially in a group. Doing it every night would have killed me off. I have to say I always thought my friends with the less satisfactory home lives were keener on staying over at other people’s houses than those of us who were going home to loving/present/stable parents. I can see why, extending that out, boarding school would be a preferable option for some teenagers.

However, I would suggest that anyone who proposes to send their eight year old to live elsewhere voluntarily be locked up as a precautionary measure, because they are not emotionally healthy enough to be in society with the rest of us, and they definitely, definitely can’t appropriately safeguard that child.