to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

[BaklavaRocks]

Inspired by another thread, and some old YouTube documentaries I've recently watched, I can't help but feel boarding schools for under 13's (i.e. boarding prep schools) have had their time.

Maybe they used to be an acceptable option, but with all the research we now have available, showing the damage done by separation of young children from their parents, do you think boarding for v young kids (8/9/10/11) will eventually be banned except in v exceptional circumstances?

And if our politicians including past PMs like Johnson and Cameron were not a product of boarding schools, do you think they'd have more compassion and be less cut off from emotion and feelings? and better able to relate to us common folk?

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@BaklavaRocks I've watched the YouTube videos you posted before and, as someone who went to boarding school in the 1980's I found them really upsetting. They vividly brought back memories of feeling so alone and abandoned, and I felt exactly as I remember feeling then. A horrible sort of sinking desolation inside. I was older than the children in the documentary, as was aged 13 when i started, so it must have been even worse for them.

I am sure that boarding has improved since I went, and it wasn't horrific, just really lonely and isolating. I feel as though I kind of 'disappeared' at boarding school. I learnt to completely hide how I felt and just get on with things, regardless of how I felt inside. I am still the same, 35 years later. No-one notices whether I am happy or sad, as I keep it all hidden and don't know how to be any different.

I think boarding is best avoided for younger children and only for those age 13+ if it really is the best option. Many boarders, like me, are from military families so it does allow continuity of education. Parents are generally just trying to do the best for their children but it certainly can come at a price. An often excellent education at the expense of emotional wellbeing for some. A child's personality should also be a factor. If you are very extrovert then boarding school is potentially a lot easier than if you are introverted and need your own space to thrive.

I agree. They may "officially" be better in terms of safeguarding, pastoral care, privacy, standards of food and accommodation, etc., but fundamentally people's personalities don't change so issues such as bullying (by peers and staff) will still happen (as there is ample opportunity for this when you're there 24 hours a day and having to follow teachers' rules even after school hours) and it's never going to be a home from home - that just isn't possible.

You have to be a very particular type of child, imo, not to be damaged in some way by boarding school.

DDs DP went to an all boys boarding school for a while and has told us some horror stories

We figured if the teachers also went to similar schools then it's just a non stop never ending carousel of vile weirdness

No one gives a shit there, no one steps in to do anything because to them it's normal and character building

Some weird shit goes on

My dad went to boarding school and he said that it messed him up for life.

11 still seems super young to me! Did you miss your mum or dad cuddles? Miss them tucking you onto bed? Miss having them with you when you were ill?

Hope it's ok to ask (just ignore if not) - how was (and is) your relationship with your mum and dad? Were you and are you close? Is it an affectionate and warm relationship?

Hard agree- I don’t know anyone that went that doesn’t have issues as an adult relating to the separation they experienced. The touch thing is definitely true as well.
I actually agree about the young babies and full time nursery care too- some friends said they didn’t feed their kid a meal at all Mon-Fri as every meal was had at nursery- drop off at 7:45-8am, pick up at 6 pm go home and straight to bed. A nanny or allo-parent figure would be much better if actual parents can’t be providing the care.

Yeah my dad told me absolute horror stories about his boarding school.

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Mine too! He is an amazing father and a perfect husband

It depends on the boarding school they went to aswell.

Some of them are absolutelt draconian.

As a foreigner I find BS very cruel unless you are teenager and want to go.

My DB went to boarding school aged seven. It was billed as a wonderful opportunity - 'he wanted to go!' as my DM is fond of saying. He has never held down a romantic relationship (now in his forties), lives a nomadic lifestyle and has a very fractured relationship with my parents and me. My DC have helped a bit with it but it's so sad that I'm just not close to my only sibling and yes, I completely blame his time at boarding school.

There has been an unusually high number of deaths and addiction issues amongst his school peers.

Boarding school at that age is wrong, there is no justification. My DS is seven and there is absolutely no way I could have him living away from me.

I work in a prep school with boarding. In reality, it's already pretty much as you say - dying out except in exceptional circumstances.

We have just over 300 children in the school. The vast majority of these are day children.

Our flexi boarding programme is very popular. We have between 25 and 75 children boarding each night, depending on the day of the week (Friday is the most popular as we have Saturday school and a night of boarding is cheaper than a baby sitter). For the children who board one night a week it's just a fun sleepover.

We have around 8 children who board 2 or 3 nights a week. These tend to be children who live 45-60 minutes commute from the school and/or their parent/s work very long hours in London. They are often at the school because it meets their learning or social profile rather than it being the closest school.

We have around 10 weekly boarders. About half of these are on full bursaries as part of a programme aimed at providing fully funded boarding education for children from exceptionally chaotic or deprived families. The other half tend to be your traditional, multi generational boarders - or sometimes those who don't get into the very selective day schools in London.

We have around 10 full boarders. These are split between those on the full bursary scheme mentioned above and international boarders. The international boarders are often just here for 1 or 2 terms as an intensive English immersion experience.

All our full, weekly and 2-3 night boarders are Years 6 - 8.

Very few of our 1 night boarders are below Year 5. None are below Year 3.

So, even at a 'traditional boarding prep' actual full boarding for no good reason is very, very rare.

Even 15-20 years ago, the picture across boarding schools was different - there were a lot more who boarded young just because it was family tradition. Those families mostly wait till 13 now.

my DH swore he loved it and it was the making of him until he had a total breakdown at 38 and all the history of abuse and bullying poured out.

interestingly it was during the process of choosing a (day!) school for our oldest DC that seemed to trigger a lot of it.

fortunately, following an intensive period of targeted medication and on going therapy - he has found his feet and is coming to terms with it all as healthily as he can. It does make me wonder how much there is hiding behind other people’s insistence that they had a great time…

either way our DC will be at day schools until they go to university. I don’t believe that anywhere is better than a safe, stable family home for a pre teen or teenager (quite apart from the fact I would miss them unbearably and would like to keep them with us for as long as possible!) If one was desperate to board in the sixth form we would consider weekly boarding at one of the 5 big boarding schools within striking distance of home.

I'm sorry to hear that about your brother :(

I know what you mean, I can't imagine my boys not being with me :(

My dad went to boarding school. He also went on to have terrible mental issues, and he also had several breakdowns.

Bloody hell

Most of my family went to boarding school. Hell would freeze over before I sent any child of mine.

I agree actually that full time nursery is too much for babies/toddlers. I worked but was lucky enough to work part time. That said, I don't know what the answer is here because life is so expensive for young families.

Shall I tell you? We teach them there's always an adult they can go and find at any time of day or night. We teach them it's ok to feel sad or homesick and how to cope with that, if circumstances dictate that they are going to board at school. We teach them all the independent life skills that are CONSTANTLY bemoaned on here as being absent from "mollycoddled" kids with "helicopter" parents. They are given time to play and amuse themselves, time to do any homework, loads of organised craft / sport / music / forest school type stuff, trips away or data out, cinema, film and pizza nights. Storytimes at night if they want it.

Those documentaries are, as the OP says, very old. I'm actually acquainted with a couple of the children, now adults, in them. They are lovely young people, perfectly happy and well adjusted. I don't really see the point of commenting on a thread which, by your admission you have NO experience or knowledge of. I am perfectly sure that there are many for whom it didn't suit, especially those now in their 40s and above, but it's not remotely what most people think. Much like private schools in general really.

DDs DP only went within the last few years and is still at school now just not at boarding school

It's more about what the boys do to each other and teachers not giving a shit at all

Not SA stuff just weird nasty stuff. Dangerous stuff. Could die stuff. Hazing stuff

My dad told me that when the youngest boys started, that the older boys would line them up and pick out the best looking younger boys, and sexually abuse them

That's really nice to hear!

(And Flexi boarding sounds quite fun! I'd not really heard of that before! Might be fun for some kids especially if it's just once a week and the children are at least yr6)

I watched the James Blunt documentary recently on Netflix and he talks about being sent to boarding school at 8yo. He comes from a very upper class background and his parents justify boarding school as sayings it's 'normal.'

I think it's child abuse.

Childhood is so fleeting so to deliberately go out of your way to miss a large section of it is completely unfathomable to me.

Some people love boarding when they're older, but it has to be their choice. I've seen the damage boarding young kids can do - a friend has finally gone to AA for his drinking problem which largely seems to stem from the trauma decades ago of being driven to boarding school aged 8 and left there despite begging his parents not to. Just awful.

Many factors involved and very much depending on individual and the school but a couple of my friends who had an unsettled home time due to parents divorcing were very troubled about what might be going on a home as they were removed from the situation eg ‘ will my Mum still be there when I go home for Christmas’ type of thing