to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

[BaklavaRocks]

Inspired by another thread, and some old YouTube documentaries I've recently watched, I can't help but feel boarding schools for under 13's (i.e. boarding prep schools) have had their time.

Maybe they used to be an acceptable option, but with all the research we now have available, showing the damage done by separation of young children from their parents, do you think boarding for v young kids (8/9/10/11) will eventually be banned except in v exceptional circumstances?

And if our politicians including past PMs like Johnson and Cameron were not a product of boarding schools, do you think they'd have more compassion and be less cut off from emotion and feelings? and better able to relate to us common folk?

Me too. A loveless home is no home.

It is ok. The baby spends more of its time with their parents than it does in nursery, aka, morning, evening, overnight, weekends, holidays...

Ridiculous to even begin to compare!!

As I point out in a later post, I use nurseries too @allmyliesaretrue

You’re quite right that research exists (there’s a good meta analysis on reddit) and I’m not at all comfortable sending my children away under the age of 2 based on this research. However, I am not wealthy enough to have a choice in the matter and the whole debate is hugely politicised. There’s a defensiveness around nursery use that precludes sensible debate. You’ll note that I very carefully spoke about parents rather than mums and specifically mention discussing this with my husband because he’s just as invested as me. We discuss it a lot.

Sure, I can pretend it’s ok that my nieces have breaskfast, lunch and dinner at nursery and that I feel huge financial and social pressure to put my second child into nursery when he turns 9 months old (he doesn’t even know we’re separate people yet!) but this disturbs me more than boarding school because we’re all doing it rather than a small handful of wealthy people.

ETA: I’m not going to comment on any further posts directing at me as I feel like I’m derailing a very interesting thread about boarding schools (sorry OP!) Note to self: try not to comment on the first page of a popular thread!

I think it's a huge difference being 11 or 7/8, which is what I'm talking about.

To be 7/8 and being sent away from your family, when you want to stay, must be awful.

Overnight the baby is sleeping though. Baby spends 8 a.m to 6 p.m at nursery, gets picked up by tired parent, gets home and has about a hour before bed. So it is only really the weekend where there is more parent time.

An ex partner went to a boarding school from the age of 7. His parents were both posted to the Middle East for work and they got an allowance towards his education. They thought they were terribly fancy sending him to boarding school and thought it would be great for his future.

But he absolutely hated it, and is still haunted by his early experience - and he was a quiet northern kid from a working class background so he simply didn't fit in. He developed selective mutism. He said he used to cry all the time at films/TV shows which showed children living 'normal lives' at home with their parents.

i don't get the impression that boarding in the year 2020 is at all comparable to boarding in 1980.

i also realize that the many dysregulated children are often dysregulated at home where siblings might live, and for those siblings living away from home might be a safer haven at a certain age (secondary school).
likewise cell phone and the ability to stay in touch with family 24/7 changes the landscape as well.
i too agree the impact on babies attachment/brain development of being cared for several hours per day out of the home will affect their growth and development.

You may use nurseries too, but you should have confidence in your decision! I can honestly say, I never felt bad leaving any one of my three. They all bonded as much as they needed to with the caring nursery staff - yes, they weren't their parent but they became attached all the same; I occasionally meet them out even now over 17 years after my youngest child left nursery and they remember my children with great affection. I'm still FB friends with several of them.

I had to send my children aged 5 months, 7 months and 10 months. I don't think any of them has been negatively affected. Maternity leave back in the day was a mere 18 weeks. I spun mine out with sick leave because I was breastfeeding. I remember the sick lines - "general debility"!!

One of my dearest friends didn't work for 20 years after having her children. She returned to the workplace to do jobs that she was over-qualified and underpaid. Is there any difference between her children and mine? No. Is there any difference between her pension and mine. Yes. Massively.

We are very close to our children still as adults. I had a holiday at Halloween with my two eldest. I am just back from celebrating my DC2's Masters graduation with DH and DC3. I don't believe we could have been any closer as a family if I had been a SAHM!!

Trust me, it doesn't.

Rubbish! How many babies sleep through? Mine certainly didn't!! My youngest still breastfed several times a night until 22 months.

An "hour before bed" - are you mad?? Mine never went to bed early!!

Why comment in the first place then?!

Sorry,@allmyliesaretrue I was thinking of more roughly of about 12 mths 18 mths -2 yrs when babies may have a sleep routine.

The first documentary made me feel sick. 8 year old girls sent away from home at the age of 8 and the solution to missing home and their Mum's was to limit contact?? And some house mistress woman saying that the school knows best (about the environment - yes, but not about those girls). Imagine putting an (undiagnosed) autistic child into that?

I'm not completely against boarding schools if it's flexi boarding (not more than 1-2 nights per week from year 7 at a minimum) or if the child wants it/they have special skills that would be better nurtured at boarding school - sports/music/performing arts and for those children who have really chaotic home lives and need stability.

But really, it's just awful. I don't also "agree" with nursery 10 hours a day for young children, but at least they have a parent putting them to bed and present if they wake up in the night, and then getting them up in the morning - I worked LTFT when mine were young and used childminders/nannies so it was just one other person they became attached to, but I have absolute sympathy with those families either single parent or where both parents have to work - it isn't easy and sometimes, they have no choice

I think boarding school can be great for teenagers in some circumstances - i was a day pupil at a school with boarders and knew many aged 11 and up who enjoyed it (mostly from military families and they enjoyed the stability and friendship opportunities boarding gave them as opposed to moving every year or so) and I have a friend I met as an adult who adored their boarding experience at a very well-known school as they had a chaotic and troubled home life. So I’m far from being anti-boarding school for teens who have the personality for it, want to do it, and/or who have a home life that makes it a preferable environment.

On the other hand, I also have a friend who was sent to boarding school age 6, full time. Their parents then moved to America. Unsurprisingly, they have serious issues as an adult. They once said to me that they were basically in an expensive form of foster care - the emotional effect was the same. This has always stuck with me as heartbreakingly true as a small child doesn’t know or care WHY they are separated from their parents - they just feel abandoned.

Thanks for starting this thread @BaklavaRocks. It’s insightful to hear from people who’ve been to boarding school.

I guess those who went themselves had it normalised, so might not see it as undesirable to institutionalise children. Even teenagers IMHO, who benefit from the anchor of their family home as they move into the world of adulthood, with all the challenges that can bring. Mine have needed my love, support and guidance just as much as teens. My heart breaks for all the kids in care waiting for a foster home.

Also agree with PPs who’ve pointed out not everyone has affectionate, kind or empathetic parents. Some parents can be abusive, cold, judgemental, neglectful, overbearing or demanding. Again, sometimes due to intergenerational normalisation. But IMHO far more support should be there for parents (where appropriate) rather than the only alternative seen as institutional care of any sort.

Nursery is simply not the same. Every day a child in nursery gets to see and touch the parents. Every day they go to bed with love and get woken up the same. That is hugely different to boarding school. I agree that childminders are better though, as institutions are rarely good for children.

The argument "it's better than an unloving or abusive home" well so is removing children and having them in children's homes. Better by a mile if parents were actually willing to properly care for their own children. Fortunately, most parents are good parents.

My DH boarded from 8, absolutely loved it. His mum still feels guilty though (they were overseas and moved around lots).

I also was a weekly boarder from age 11.
I had been reading Jennings books and thought it would be like that.
It was not.
I did not enjoy it.
But in my day children above 6 or 7 were not tucked in by their parents anyway.
They were simply told to go to bed. Obedience was expected and mostly followed.
So one didn't miss that.
It was more the relentless bullying by staff. You couldn't get away from them.
Couldn't clock off at 4pm and have some respite until 9am.
I agree 11 is too young. I think age 13 minimum if at all.

I have been reading people claiming for the last 20 years that boarding schools have changed. It is true that the practical elements of nicer bedrooms, warmer rooms and nicer food have changed. But the fundamentals of being raised in an institution have not changed.

And surely lockdown taught us all that a phone call or zoom call can not replace actually meeting up with people we love.

My Dad was sent at a young age, and he hated it. It has had a really negative impact on him as an individual, and this has had a knock on impact on us, his family. There are times where you can see the lost young boy inside, desperately yearning to be loved and mothered, and it is heartbreaking.

He has seen a specialist Boarding School Survivor counsellor, but the long term damage has already been done. He never fully understood why he was sent away (there appeared to be no reason for it, which I know has been hard for him to accept).

(I have nc’d for this thread, in case I am ever identified on Mumsnet).

This sounds like a boarding school near us. There are a lot of Forces children as their parents get moved around and they want a stable base for the kids.

I know that many of the day pupils are keen to board as they feel that they're missing out on fun that takes place after they've gone home..

Yes, I agree. The evidence is pretty clear about nurseries for under 3s but obviously that's really hard to hear if you have not option but to send your baby. On a societal level we should be angry about this and insist on much longer and better paid parental leave.

@anxioussister
I hope your poor DH is doing better now.

I fully agree with your assessment that claims of having a terrific time, "It was the making of me", etc, may not be all they seem.

I wouldn’t have been comfortable sending my children to boarding school at a young age, but DD (19) wanted to go to a nearby boarding school around 14. Through her sports team, she knew a few people who went there and she liked the sound of it! She’s outgoing and liked the idea of being with other teenagers full-time. I know someone whose DD (16) is at boarding school by choice, her older brothers didn’t board, but she wanted to!

I don’t think it would suit DS (16) though, he likes coming home every day.