to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

[BaklavaRocks]

Inspired by another thread, and some old YouTube documentaries I've recently watched, I can't help but feel boarding schools for under 13's (i.e. boarding prep schools) have had their time.

Maybe they used to be an acceptable option, but with all the research we now have available, showing the damage done by separation of young children from their parents, do you think boarding for v young kids (8/9/10/11) will eventually be banned except in v exceptional circumstances?

And if our politicians including past PMs like Johnson and Cameron were not a product of boarding schools, do you think they'd have more compassion and be less cut off from emotion and feelings? and better able to relate to us common folk?

It’s not the same as boarding school, as they don’t feel there.

And very few nursery aged children will spend 9% of their day at nursery.

It’s a completely different type of care.

Thanks @mauvish

I do think for children who have a terribly disruptive or poor home life, boarding may provide some positivity.

One of my siblings wanted to go to boarding school.from 13 but wasn't sent. He had a brutal, awful homelife and now is confined to bed with such severe MH probs, it's incredibly sad. I do wonder sometimes if he'd escaped to boarding school how he'd be now.

That said, I think it's a sad state of affairs when someone is choosing between trauma and poor attachment at home Vs boarding and being cared for in, essentially, an institution...

At least in part that's because to cope with the early and unpredictable acting years you need some family wealth behind you.

If you look into it, basically every UK boarding school has had allegations of physical or sexual abuse of the children - it's covered up a lot. I know family members who went to boarding school and were really badly affected by it.

Apparently there's a few actually run by paedophiles, which turns my stomach. In any scenario where you cut off vulnerable people (eg young children or the elderly) from their families and support there's a risk of abuse.

Even if they're not abused I agree that bringing kids up in institutions is never good.

However, my main concern knowing what I know would be about the safety of the kids.

Genuinely - look up well known boarding schools and you'll see allegations of abuse. I'm surprised most of them are still running

@SapphireSeptember

I’m on mat leave too (not my first kid) and there’s tremendous pressure both financial and social to return to work and put my tiny baby in full time childcare. It’s such a political hot potato and government are now actually paying parents - in the form of the new 30 hours a week - to leave their 9 month old babies. And I find it messed up that everyone is applauding this move even though we know there’s no benefit for kids till around 3 years and we’ve no idea of the long term implications. I wouldn’t judge anyone for choices and I’ve used nursery childcare myself and will do again. I don’t know too many parents who don’t.

Interesting though that many of the arguments on this thread against boarding school (the attachment theories and why have kids just to leave them with someone else) could just as easily be reasonably applied to parents of kids in nursery.

Oh me and DH both work, so I feel the same about that argument. I just can't imagine not putting them to bed, waking them up, getting them in bed with us if they're poorly. Missing out on teeth falling out, not being there if they scrape a knee at the end of the day. Loads more. I couldn't do boarding.

We've got an acquaintance who does, and her DC don't even snuggle when they're home. One cries for the school nurse when she hurts herself. My heart would absolutely fucking shatter if I heard my DC do that.

I just...can't get my head around it. It seems too much.

My sister's DD goes to a boarding performing arts school. She is very talented and they couldn't get good enough if the right training locally. My niece absolutely loves it and begged to go even though her parents didn't want her to. My sister finds it really hard and misses her so much but they video call twice a day and it helps that my niece is genuinely so happy and doing what she loves every day.

I dropped her off the other day and got to look around a bit. The first thing that happened was my niece ran to her houseparents and they had a massive hug. She then ran up to her room and went to find all of her friends and they were all so excited to see each other after the weekend. My niece very proudly showed me around and just seemed completely in her element and says she loves every minute. She's excited to go back to school after the holidays.

Last year she had a few weeks of stomach aches. The school constantly updated my sister, asked about possible stress/anxiety causes, got her to see the GP, got her to see the counsellor in case it was anxiety related, (subtly) monitored what she was eating, gave her some mindfulness exercises/time out from school etc. My sister was really impressed. After all that it turned out she was getting her first period so nothing to do with mental health but the lengths they went to just in case was impressive!

She has an amazing, loving home life as well and knows that if she ever wants to come home then she can. It doesn't seem to have affected her relationship with her family, except maybe she appreciates them more and is really grateful for the sacrifices that they've made for her (it's not cheap). The important thing is that she is happy, she knows she is loved, she is thriving at school and knows that she can come home any time she wants.

So I would say that not all boarding schools are the same, there are some circumstances where it works, and the pastoral/wellbeing side is completely different than it used to be. In some schools anyway!

The thing is, kids and teens “want to do” lots of things that aren’t necessarily in their best interests so this doesn’t really wash as a valid reason to send them away to board.

The only times boarding school is a good idea is when the home life is abusive, negligent or deeply problematic in some other way. But let’s face it, those aren’t usually the kids who get to go to boarding school.

Every adult I know who has boarded has emotional and/or attachment issues, although not all of them recognise their issues. And that’s symbolic of being sent away from your family at a pivotal point in development. As we’ve seen, emotional immaturity or difficulties are prevalent among those who went to boarding school.

I remember a thread on here about teens once, and it said that when they push you away, that’s actually when they need you the most albeit in a different way. Teens need parenting, and they need their parents. It doesn’t matter how good the teachers are and how close a bond is formed, nothing replaces a home family life. And if you’re not seeing your child most/every night, even just for a brief time, there’s just not the same familiarity, the same bond - and crucially, if there are any issues (eg/bullying, drugs etc) you might not know until the damage has been done.

Flexi boarding sounds like a fun option - no different to a sleepover with friends. But actual boarding? There is nothing that will convince me this is a healthy and beneficial option for any child or teen who comes from a reasonable home.

I’d rather be accused of being a helicopter parent than a hands-off parent who barely sees their child 🤷‍♀️ I don’t see the point in having children just to offload virtually every aspect of the parenting to a school.

And I am sorry if I sound blunt but I have people close to me who were really fucked up by boarding school so I have strong views on this.

Who would ban them though? Very often those in government have benefitted from them hugely from childhood and far into their careers, and they intend their children to get the same advantages.

Then i think of the scores of vile parents subjecting their kids to abuse at home.

@miniaturepixieonacid hah the kids know they're lucky but they've grown by the ocean and on the beach and are bored shitless by it now.
They love London and Edinburgh, farms and theatre, history, museums, walking up hills (our island is totally flat), in woods, trampoline parks, climbing walls - even double decker buses and trains are a cute novelty for them.

Very few people I knew sent their children 5 days a week.
DH and I both worked full time but compressed hours, so the children only went 3 days a week. That was pretty standard at our children's nursery. And most of the SAHMs I knew sent their children to nursery at least a couple of days a week.

That’s an aspect I hadn’t considered properly. Thank you.

I agree, but I think it's very unlikely they will be banned- many rich parents are willing to pay, and our free market means there will be schools willing to provide. Legislating to try and improve parenting is a very tricky area, which in all honesty would be doomed to failure, even if tried.

I also agree that full-time nursery care seems much worse to me than boarding school at secondary age if it is the child that wants to go and is happy and thriving.

Lots of my friends with young children only see them for an hour a day in the week and the Dads often only see them at weekends as they get home after bedtime.

Yet we have seen so many instances of children who would have been better in the care of anyone but their parents, or the mother and whoever she brings home.

Flexi boarding gives the best of both, you are at school two nights a week, get to hang with your friends and gain some independence, all prep ( homework ) is done at school, with staff you can ask Qs to if needed.
If parents need to be away or do a long day it fits and the child gets to be independent in a safe space before uni so it is not such a transition. This is usually from year 7.

I went boarding from age 7, we were ex pats living in Saudi Arabia so Mum home schooled me for a year then I went to a very small nurturing boarding school. It was a shock having to change my own bedding but I loved the feeling that holidays were special quality family time, term time was busy with school work, after school clubs, activities etc and I was busy. I pitied the day girls having to go home and be with their boring parents! I'm a well adjusted v independent married Mum of 2 kids....son went boarding & was head of house, daughter is now boarding & is Head girl and they are Happy. For everyone who hates the idea of boarding school there is someone else who thrived there. Yes I think sending young children away is harsh but perhaps girls come out of it better than boys.....has anyone studied the difference boarding has on girls v boys?

I was desperate to board when I was a teenager purely based on the books I'd read! I hated my school and had a difficult relationship with my mum. Boarding was my dream.

I have my own DS now and would never send him to board. I'd miss him too much!

I think from Year 9 (13, 14 ish upwards), it's fine if the DC wants to go. I think it's totally wrong any younger than that, though, especially primary aged.

I now know many people who boarded, they genuinely say they loved it and most are sending / have sent some or all of their children there. Their children that I have spoken to do seem genuinely very happy.

Of the people I know who boarded I only know of 1 person who hated it, and 2 who are a bit indifferent.

I didn’t board myself but the opinions of my friends do seem genuine, they seem very happy, normal and well adjusted adults. They have good relations with their parents and siblings, and have affectionate and loving relationships with children.

I suspect it is true that it doesn’t suit all children, that’s it’s best at 13yr+ and not all schools are equal.

I agree. Pretty much everyone I know who went to boarding school was quite messed up -.alcoholic/drug abuser/ anorexic/abusive partner. And the stories they told were pretty sobering.

I like to think schools have improved in the last decade or so...

But there have been quite a few horrifying stories of awful things happening at boarding schools even recently and it is clear there are quite a lot of deeply unhappy/scarred children at them

Yeah, that's pretty horrendous too :(

I completely agree with you.

I went to boarding school at 11, and so did my siblings - from 11 to 17.

We were not parented at this time. The people who work in boarding schools are considered to be in loco parentis. They are not. No matter if they're nice, which many of them aren't really.

I spent most of my time at boarding school very anxious and longing for affection - of which I got none. I never told my parents this. I think loads of parents assume that if their children are struggling they'd say, but at 11 I didn't know how to describe what I was feeling, and I certainly didn't want to upset my parents when they thought I was so lucky to be there in the first place.

I would never have sent my own children to boarding school (except maybe my daughter when she was 15, an absolute PITA and I was desperate for respite, but she would have been expelled in minutes).

I actually also kinda agree about sending young babies to nursery being bad for them - and I work full-time so not judging those that use them. But I think it must be really bad for young children - wish more people used childminders (and nannies if they can afford it). I don't think institutions are great for children in general