to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

[BaklavaRocks]

Inspired by another thread, and some old YouTube documentaries I've recently watched, I can't help but feel boarding schools for under 13's (i.e. boarding prep schools) have had their time.

Maybe they used to be an acceptable option, but with all the research we now have available, showing the damage done by separation of young children from their parents, do you think boarding for v young kids (8/9/10/11) will eventually be banned except in v exceptional circumstances?

And if our politicians including past PMs like Johnson and Cameron were not a product of boarding schools, do you think they'd have more compassion and be less cut off from emotion and feelings? and better able to relate to us common folk?

That sounds great fun! :)

If it's ok to ask (don't answer if not), how are your relationships now? Stable partner?

Would you let your children (if you have them) board at age 10?

Did you miss you mum and dad when you were away from them at 10? Are you close? Were you close?

Was it all positive or anything that was less so?

It isn’t what I would choose for my children, BUT I think there are a number of circumstances where it is the best for the child - military families, foreign service, children with special musical or athletic abilities, etc.

I would also push back on the idea that it is an offloading of parenting - boarding schools work on compressed schedules so there is much more time off school. It shifts parents time for little and often to more regular longer 1:1 time. If I were still in my old job that required extensive travel the boarding cadence could work quite well and leave us with more family time - otherwise I would be relying on wrap around and nannies quite extensively.

I also think flexi boarding is a bit of a game changer. We aren’t in secondary yet, but looking ahead the possibility of flexi boarding is quite attractive for us and dc and would be best of both worlds. We would still see dc on a weekly basis, but for a couple nights a week (when they would have an early start and/or a late finish) the ability to sleep over at school is both fun for the kids and also a massive help to the schedule. I know some older children who have a 6:30am start and a 6pm+ finish depending on sports/extracurriculars, so they are just home to sleep and eat - saving the commute and staying at school makes a lot of sense.

I used to feel negatively about boarding school, I had friends who had clearly been sent off to give the parents an easier life and the parents wouldn’t let them home at weekends.

But my kids went to a school which had a small boarding facility (now closed). It was used by parents who were doctors on night shift, or in the forces, or farmers who lived too far away to commute to school daily or from smaller Scottish Islands which didn’t have a high school. Also, I almost got sent when my dad was posted overseas in my high school years. In the end my mum stayed home and we saw my Dad every other weekend.

So I wouldn’t choose it for my kids, but I can see why people might have to.

I live on an island where a large number of kids board mostly in UK. Mine are 13 & 9 now and we'd only send them to board if they excelled in something that the education here couldn't offer (small Caribbean island).
That being said, I don't think either of my boys would want to go, but may change their minds at 14-15 years or so.
I have no opinion on it for teens but I personally couldn't have sent either of my kids before double digit age.

Thanks @RhaenysRocks

Yeah, I can see if there is already fragmentation and difficulty at home, boarding school might be helpful.

From a stable loving home though, I don't think I can imagine boarding being better (and I certainly know it would rip my heart out to see my children separated from me at 8/9/10/11..)

I'd never do it. I think it's detrimental to their mental health. I've known a few boarders and they all claim their issues go back to boarding. It's bizarre to me. Why have kids just to send them away?

@Silvan and @pizzapizzadaddio I have my theories about that! Currently trying to figure out if I can even afford to go back to work after maternity leave myself. Doubtful at the moment. But to be honest I don't want to send my baby to nursery. He's still too little for that. I think it's dreadful we expecte mums to leave their little babies with strangers.

This in a nutshell

I was one of the "remote Scottish island" kids who had to board @mitogoshigg. I loved it. It was almost like living in a Mallory Towers book (without the posh folks!)

I guess because of the circumstances it was pretty natural - there was no option so I never felt that I was "sent away". I had a much better social life as a teenager because I was away from home, and had much more opportunity to study than I would in a 3 bedroom house with 4 siblings and a grandparent. Excellent school with superb pastoral care.

I did Sunday - Friday (although quite often had sleepovers with friends at weekends). Pupils from the more remote islands didn't get home at all during term time.

I don't think boarding school is always a bad experience.

I had a relative board from secondary school age. Her mum had died and her dad worked in a dangerous 3rd world country and I don’t think had immigration status to live/work in uk. I suppose alternative would have been foster care.
I know someone else who needed specialist education (school for deaf) realistically there can’t be local specialist provision accessible to all areas especially if rural.
Flexi boarding also seemed a sensible option for a classmate of my dc. She had a single parent mum who needed to travel internationally for work sometimes. Before moving to private she was left with elderly and infirm grandparents who couldn’t take her to school or activities.
So I’d say always be circumstances where it may be needed.

TBH I don't understand why anyone would have a child and make that decision for them, however it takes all sorts to make the world go around and I'm sure that people who make that decision would hate the decisions I make with my kids too.

Most successful actors went to private school when you start looking.

I was shocked and quite saddened. Even Nicola Walker!

I was a day pupil at a girls school which had full boarding.
I envied the boarders, my home life was chaotic and the boarders always had their homework done on time, were fed properly and had a camaraderie that I would have loved.
My opinion from talking to men and women is that girls mostly enjoy boarding and boys don’t.
Obviously not scientific at all.

I was desperate to go to boarding school from about the age of 10. My parents told me years later that they discussed putting me in for a scholarship/bursary (couldn't have afforded it otherwise, and I was a pretty bright kid so may well have succeeded) but decided against it.

The reason I wanted to go was because I was desperately unhappy at home. I still wonder if life would have been better if I'd gone, I couldn't have ended up any unhappier!

I've known lots of people who boarded. I had a friend at uni who boarded because both his parents had died, and he had no other family in the UK. I know someone else who says that boarding school was the one saving grace of her childhood years, as she was there with her sisters and it was an escape from a badly disrupting and disruptive homelife; it gave them all sanctuary and stability which they didn't otherwise have.

But these people were older. Like almost everyone else, I cannot imagine sending a small child to live away from home.

That's really nice to hear :)

Were you under 12 when you boarded?

I've seen it work brilliantly for sixth form. It can be OK from 13 up. 11-13 is such a gamble. Below that, you must be mad, and although it's increasingly rare it does still happen.

My dad boarded at 6 and imo remained emotionally 6 years old his whole life. My late dh who died by suicide boarded from 8.

I spent some time yesterday reading the Makin report on the sadistic abuser John Smyth. Not that abusers can't exist anywhere but it gave a very clear view of just how toxic the belief can be that boarding schools represent something elite, instead of something that may be the only option but that is intrinsically risky for children. He could never have groomed and abused such a high number of boys and young men in a different type of school.

Babies and small children typically (entirely?) aren’t in childcare for entire terms, overnight?

I was a boarder at age 11. I had a positive experience. There were probably around 10 girls boarding in my year. We all got on very well. It was like having a sleep over with your friends every night.

Yes sometimes I did miss my parents but they lived close enough to come and bring me home for a night if need be. Then my sisters joined me so I had family there too.

The boarding mistresses were kind and warm. They comforted us when we were poorly or homesick. As did the other girls. We developed strong bonds with each other.

I was a weekly boarder and went home at weekends which probably helped a lot.

I will say that it prepared me for uni and living away from home as a young adult much more than my peers. It was a massive shock to their system but I adapted a lot more easily. I now live several hours away from my family on my own and cope just fine with that. We have an excellent relationship though.

No but many are there for 90% of their waking day.

We're a military family so they're a possibility for us (despite not being from that background) and know a few people who have used them for this reason, the whole thing seems very unnatural and abnormal to me and absolutely not a choice we have made nor ever would despite usually saying I'm not the natural maternal type compared to most mums I know, we've found a way to make military life work for us in this modern age that doesn't involve shipping the kids off, DH would leave if that was the only viable option.

As a working parent I detest the "why did you bother having kids" argument, but it's hard not to use it against those who use boarding schools, especially from a young age.

I mean, to be fair, if I was lucky enough to be growing up on a Caribbean island, I think I'd be pretty pissed off about being sent to board in the UK - at any age. 😂

My DH and I both boarded full-time from age 10 (back in the Dark Ages before pastoral care was invented) and in both cases our parents were living overseas in diplomatic roles. It did mean that there were things we could understand about each other which we wouldn’t speak to anyone else about.

One of the first things we agreed on was that any children we might have wouldn’t go to boarding school. Not that they have ever shown any sign of wanting to!

As a kid I read a lot of book series that romanticised boarding schools and I loved the idea of the friendships and extracurricular activities. I never really thought about the practicalities though.

I would like to see much closer regulation and scrutiny. I wouldn't send my own children if you paid me, but I don't think they should be abolished. A decent boarding school is probably better than an awful home life

Some parents aren't actually nice or good parents and the children may well be much happier and better off at a boarding school. It's stupid to assume a wealthy home is necessarily a happy home

I used a nanny for a bit who usually nannied for the super rich (she needed to be UK based for a while) and she said some of the children she nannied rarely saw their parents even when pre school age.

No but many are there for 90% of their waking day.

But even if asleep you are home, I know I sleep differently when I am not home even as an adult, I don't think you can discount the part of the day they are asleep as irrelevant, surely that's the most important time to be home, feeling safe.