to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

[BaklavaRocks]

Inspired by another thread, and some old YouTube documentaries I've recently watched, I can't help but feel boarding schools for under 13's (i.e. boarding prep schools) have had their time.

Maybe they used to be an acceptable option, but with all the research we now have available, showing the damage done by separation of young children from their parents, do you think boarding for v young kids (8/9/10/11) will eventually be banned except in v exceptional circumstances?

And if our politicians including past PMs like Johnson and Cameron were not a product of boarding schools, do you think they'd have more compassion and be less cut off from emotion and feelings? and better able to relate to us common folk?

Thanks for opening up this conversation! We are very fortunate I was able to stay home but it’s so unusual these days that I’m constantly made to feel like I’m really strange or a bad person by not putting him in nursery or returning to work! Even from 12 months people were asking if I don’t want him to be socialised. He went to so many baby groups and everywhere with me, it’s not like we just stayed home, and what 12 month old needs to be in full time childcare to ‘socialise’?! I have honestly never felt so judged for a decision as this one and it will be interesting to see what the next generation make of it all 😅

I’d want to burst into tears just thinking about putting him in a 1:4 adult to child ratio and walking away when he was still a breastfeeding baby 😩

I've known a few adults who went to boarding school.

1 is fine I think if a bit hard inside
1 drank himself to death in 20s
1 had a breakdown involving a long hospital stay for mental health problems he attributes to school
1 had mental health breakdown ending in electric shock therapy
1 is currently drinking himself to death
1 is a successful lawyer but rarely speaks to his wife or children

it's not a great advert

A paedophiles dream come true.. vulnerable child separated from parents.

I went to two boarding schools - one prep school in year 5 to prepare me for the entrance exams to boarding school, then went on to boarding school at secondary level. The prep school was awful, I hated it. I went to Christs Hospital at 11 and absolutely loved it. My friends from there are like family. I have a close small group of friends and an extended wider circle who I see from time to time. It’s not for everyone, but I’m really glad I went.

Not completely true. This was always a middle class thing. Working class mothers have always had to work. If the kids were lucky there was another relative to help, otherwise you fended for yourself.

i am a ‘latch key’ kid myself from the 70’s.

Of course not, they have private therapists so don't have to rely on CAHMS

We send ours. All of ours have benefited in totally different ways whether it’s our DD benefiting from the structure and the freedom to do anything from the literal 20 clubs that pique interest, our DS with his sport and DS2 being able to spend his time in the library and science block… plus it’s like a whole community more than you dumping your child. I ended up talking to my DS’s housemistress for ages this afternoon and then DD called this eve.

And self sufficiency is so important. It’s not actually about my feelings. I won’t be here at some point (cancer survivor, I know how short life can be) and I want the kids to have the best life they can. For them. My DS wants to go to America to do something very specific I can’t say but so exciting. And it’s only cos he got the confidence he has from school.

One thing, they need to trust you. That they aren’t dumping them off. That you want them to explore the world but that you are base point. But then it helps children fly.

I might say that you friends from school WERE family, because you didn't live with your parents

I am opposed to Boarding schools in principle and I am sure that the vast majority of parents do think its the right thing so I don't want to criticise anyones parenting in particular.
However, it seems that your DC could have had those experiences and opportunities while living with you. You say life is short (and I hope yours is not and you stay well) so isn't it too short to send your children away to live?

I ended up talking to my DS’s housemistress for ages this afternoon

I talked to my son, directly, I didn't need to speak to his housemistress....

I went to boarding school from 7-18 along with my 2 older brothers and younger sister. 3 schools in total with more family at school than at home!! I have a close and loving family with my mum - my dad is a narcissist so that relationship has its ups and downs (!) - and do not have trouble expressing emotions or empathy or building strong relationships elsewhere. I think it’s one of those things that you can’t/probably shouldn’t judge without personal experience. What worked for me might not have worked for you. I also agree with the PP that (for better or worse) previous generations were adults able to manage their own destinies by the age of 18 whereas most 25 year olds I meet nowadays are still very much dependent on their parents.

I worry about the effect of the full time childcare that my children had to go to from the age of 6 months old! I think it’s something that will majorly affect their generation - I’m doing my best to raise them as resilient, confident children but I wonder if being away from us for such a big part of their very young lives will have caused any issues that will come to light as they reach adulthood.

I boarded from a young age, but to be fair my parents weren’t that interested in us anyway (not in an uncaring way, just that was the norm in the 80s among the upper middle classes I think). I loved boarding and had a good experience but I definitely wouldn’t choose to send my own children away. One would love it, one I suspect would be more homesick. Maybe they’ll go at 13, but probably not. I would miss them too much!

@Hoppinggreen if the kids didn’t want to go they would be here. That’s what I mean about the trust.

And it makes holidays especially precious. I am equally not criticising parenting but there are a number of threads where people can’t wait for their kids to go back to school. We don’t.

So because of clubs and the ability to gain confidence you outsourced caring for them and teaching them how to parent.

Why both having kids? Why not donate your eggs and sponsor a poor person to raise your genetic offspring instead?

Having dealt with a number of very well off rich kids go off the rails with mummy and daddy issues because they haven't got the parents attention and having my parents who struggle to show emotions, I have certain reservations about whether the best way to give your kids guitar lessons and hockey training is to off load them to someone else.

There are plenty of examples of people with those problems who didn’t board.

@LaDamaDeElche

Ooooh a bluecoat😊

I think CH is an exception as you have such a diverse group of backgrounds, there is literally no other school like it.

I live in London and my DS was in a very white middle class 1 form entry state school ( in one of the most deprived boroughs in London!) all very close knit, all teachers were called by first name. Now this was lovely in primary but that super fluffy school didn’t set him up for the realities of the local secondary schools that were all rough as hell, it was a shock to his system. He absolutely hated his state secondary school, and he only got through it because he was top set so was essentially with all the more studious kids, and quite frankly the daily worry for me of wondering if today would be his day to get mugged or knifed on the way to school as he is quite a shy boy, raised my blood pressure no end.

Covid kicked in so he was spared year 7 and 8 for the most part and by year 9 he was in CH and he has loved it, his confidence has grown so much ( despite the first 3 weeks grumbling about coming home)

He is in sixth form there now and he loves being there just as much as he did when he first started, he has a really cool houseparent, and has never ever once complained about being picked on or bullied ( unlike in his state secondary school) culturally I have nothing to worry about as half the time he tells me about the Nigerian foods he has tried from his friend that i haven’t even bothered to cook ( I am of Nigerian parentage,lol)

I definitely agree that under age 11 at boarding is too young, and I’m not even sure if my son would have settled in as well as he did if he went at age 11 but for him starting at age 13 was ideal and don’t regret it for a moment.

Only 20 clubs?

I can think of far more options than that just in our local area.

Mine do some clubs at school but also really enjoy mixing at meeting with different sets of children outside of school. They have their sailing club friends,.climbing friends, dance friends,.orchestra friends. Its less stifling than just living in one bubble.

Re your first para
Obviously every kid is different but all mine are adults now 23, 20 and 20 and all their full time nursery friends too.
No long term or even short term issues.
All easily make friends as they grew up from a young age doing so.
All independent and interesting and busy.
No idea if that is down to personality, nursery, school or boarding or even us but we have never noticed any issues

I'm sure it's far more caring than it used to be. I do feel it shouldnt be for children under the age of 11 though...

I chose to go aged 11 as my Father was in the Navy and we moved every couple of years. I was one of five. My older and younger brothers went to boarding school, but my younger sisters didn't as we were more settled geographically by then.

I loved it - although I did leave at 16 to do my A Levels locally. My older brother loved it and stayed until 18. My younger brother hated it and left at 16. I think it depends on so many variables...... This was all back in the 1970s.....

Mine always has from around 3 months old. 730pm-8am

Boarding to day students the only difference was between 6pm and 7am. Of which awake was about 2.30 hours

I remember this! I was a day girl but often voluntarily stayed to supper and prep with my friends so didn't go home til 9pm... And didn't leave much before 5pm on a Saturday. My friends were much more interesting than my boring parents.

I think that bar both parents working in jobs like the army or your child needing residential care due to SEND, there is no good reason to send them away to live.

it is interesting to see so many posters with kids in boarding school insisting that it’s all great because their kids went to beautiful schools with nice buildings and they could phone and chat to housemistresses. I mean the buildings are probably way better than my year 8 sons local comp but he’s home with me where he should be and where he needs to be.

i don’t think it’s comparable to nursery either. Both my kids went 3 days a week from 6 months old. Because the grandparents worked and there were no childminders round here that had space. If the kids hadn’t have gone to nursery, I couldn’t have paid the mortgage. I would have loved to be a SAHM but there was no option due to cost of living.

boarding school is a choice. (As above excluding army jobs and kids with SEND needs). Why people would willingly choose to send young kids under the age of 13 away to live baffles me. Private schools don’t baffle me but boarding really does.

Good news is my life choices don’t impact yours. If you don’t agree with boarding, don’t do it

For those who can't fathom children wanting to board, or who feel parents whose children enjoy it should worry what the home life is like, how would you react if your children want to go abroad for university?

Or if your children decide to move to Australia or the USA after school or university?