to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

[BaklavaRocks]

Inspired by another thread, and some old YouTube documentaries I've recently watched, I can't help but feel boarding schools for under 13's (i.e. boarding prep schools) have had their time.

Maybe they used to be an acceptable option, but with all the research we now have available, showing the damage done by separation of young children from their parents, do you think boarding for v young kids (8/9/10/11) will eventually be banned except in v exceptional circumstances?

And if our politicians including past PMs like Johnson and Cameron were not a product of boarding schools, do you think they'd have more compassion and be less cut off from emotion and feelings? and better able to relate to us common folk?

If they wanted to go abroad as adults then that sounds great. They have developed the confidence and independence when at home to want to explore the world- amazing! They are not children during or after university so it doesn’t compare in the slightest

Just intrigued.

After all if you can't imagine not having your 16/17/18 year old there to tuck up and chat to every night, how does that miraculously change at 19.

By that point they’d be an adult who didn’t need the nurturing, care and love that a child does. I’d be expecting them to move away and only return for holidays at that stage even if university was only two hours away. What a bizarre “point”.

It wasn't a 'point'. I am genuinely interested having come across a lot of people who are very unhappy at the idea of their children even moving a long way from home within the UK for university, and even more who hate the idea of their children potentially living in another country.

My siblings are spread across 3 continents and two of us lived overseas in multiple countries for many years, so my parents got an awful lot of 'I couldn't bear it if DD/DS moved so far away' from people.

It's easy to say that you would be happy at your child embracing the world and its opportunities. I just wondered if that was genuinely the case for those who cannot fathom children being away from home during the school term in secondary education.

@OhCrumbsWhereNow it is normal for parents to want to look after their own children at home. Not some aberration.

Of course I wouldn’t be thrilled about my child moving to the other side of the world but then they’d be an adult and I guess I’m someone who enjoys plenty of time spent with my children especially in the short precious years of their childhood. Also I wouldn’t have a choice in the matter as it wouldn’t be my decision, unlike the choice to send them away to boarding school.

I think a lot depends on the child, the school and the parents.

Plenty of people have a terrible time at day schools, whether state or private. It's certainly not something only boarding schools experience.

Not all parents are nurturing, loving and supportive. Yes, they should be, but they aren't. Some parents are absent, whether through desertion, work, death, alcoholism, ill health - all sorts of reasons.

Different schools have different cultures. Even different boarding houses can have different cultures within a school. So a child who gets on well at one school may not fit well in another.

Decisions aren't just made about the children's needs,though. They're also made about the parents, about family tradition - there are schools with generations of - mostly boys,to be fair, - from the same family. I doubt there's much consideration there if it's really the best place for a particular child. Money is a big factor, too. It's not a cheap option,especially if you don't get any scholarship or bursary.

I've a friend who is pastoral lead at a top school, boarding from year 9. He does it partly because his own experiences at public school means he is very determined to not have any children experiencing what he did. He can only do so much, though - the new overseas students with homesickness who don't get to go home on exeat weekends etc - they do their best to keep them entertained when the rest of school has cleared out, but you can't change the fact they're a very long way from their parents.

My father boarded from 7. As far as I'm aware, he enjoyed it. We met people he'd been at school with (some as godparents.) He seemed much more sorted emotionally than my mother who was entirely state educated in day schools.

It's definitely not for everyone, but some people thrive, and I wouldn't ban it.

Oh well, that;s fine then.

@WhitegreeNcandle

I don’t want parents to do anything and I don’t mean to make people feel bad. I think government needs to change the culture of two full time working parents when kids are young. It’s hard. Really hard.

And lone parents? What do we do?
I had a live in nanny, then secondary private with flexi boarding a couple of nights a week so maybe 60 nights a year she boards.

What is it you would like me to do as a lone parent who needs to travel for work?

No family support, no shared parenting from feckless ex.

I mean thankfully I DGAF what other people think.

Some of us choose this for our DC as they love it, some of us have no choice, some parents are arseholes whether they use boarding or not.

Even though I hated boarding in the 80s, I imagine pastoral care is so much better now. We were only allowed to communicate via letter at prep school. We had a married couple as housemaster and house mistress and while they were lovely to an outside observer, they had favourites and didn't really have time for quiet kids like me.

There is also a huge difference between full boarding with only seeing parents in holidays and weekly/flexible boarding with a supportive family living nearby.

It also depends on the child, some loved it and some, like me, didn't. I never had a choice, some children want to go.

It wasn't a 'point'. I am genuinely interested having come across a lot of people who are very unhappy at the idea of their children even moving a long way from home within the UK for university, and even more who hate the idea of their children potentially living in another country.

You're really doing some mental gymnastics here which is showing how far you're having to reach to defend the indefensible, are you really comparing shipping off an 8, 10, 13 year old to boarding school to grown adults moving away to university or emigrating like it is a point with any value? I also didn't let my child cross the road without holding my hand for a few years, do you think I am struggling to not do that now they're teenagers....? No....when they're adults they will seek the life they want and I hope it takes them somewhere exciting, right now, their place is a home with us.

Wanting to leave home at 18+ is very different to wanting to do it at 11

Of course the whole premise of this post is setting up one set of parents against another. All part of this stupid governments plan to look to destroy the private school system. Annihilate the smaller schools by making it impossible for them to run. The bigger public schools are harder as we aren’t fundamentally affected by it so pitch man against man. Make it unacceptable/taboo/seen as neglectful and you do half the job for them.

Problem you have is that, at least at our school, us vilified parents are somewhat rebelling. We don’t give a fuck what you think as we know perfectly well that if you saw the children that came out of our school you would be all over it and a lot of this is set up as concern for the welfare of our kids when it’s not.

But the parents and grandparents are just protecting their legacy with grandparents handing over money to ensure fees are paid, even for those of us who can afford it like us so we can set it up for our grandkids. But what won’t be happening is a blase acceptance of scholarships or use of our facilities for free. If you hate it all so much. You can say goodbye to that too cos sure as hell I ain’t paying what I am paying for you to take advantage and make snide destructive remarks on the side.

So off you pop and I will make sure the big wooden historical door doesn’t hit you on the way out.

We don’t give a fuck what you think as we know perfectly well that if you saw the children that came out of our school you would be all over it and a lot of this is set up as concern for the welfare of our kids when it’s not.

I don't know...we've seen enough politicians coming out of the system for me to think it's not something I want to be "all over" and wish less of them would end up in the political system, perhaps we'd then have some politicians with some semblance of understanding of how wider society operates and perhaps even some empathy, rather than emotionally void, power hungry, unloved narcissists.

"emotionally void, power hungry, unloved narcissists" sums up current Labour leadership very well

My father boarded from 7. As far as I'm aware, he enjoyed it.

Interesting you haven't/didn't had a conversation about it.

@twistyizzy yes human rights lawyer screams emotionally void doesn't it.

@twistyizzy exactly what I was going to say. You can see your premise played out in real time now @corkindigo. No one in the cabinet went to public school, no private school in fact (bar Louise Haigh). Doing a bang up job so far. All they have done is reek havoc. And as it goes, I voted Labour for the first time ever cos I was so disgusted with the Conservatives, even having been Tory all my life. So I have no problem with giving us poshos more of a kicking if it actually benefited someone, anyone! But this Govt doesn’t. It makes everyone poorer. All it’s looking to achieve is a true race to the bottom and pitch you against us. Then we can all be quiet for our new overlords.

Except we won’t accept that. So our kids will continue to benefit from a system that gives them the best chance to do what they want to do. And our parents, and our grandparents protect the money they made from working being snapped up by the state. My father earned a shit ton of money in business. He always said paying tax is a nice problem to have and has paid eye watering amounts and still does so as a pensioner. He doesn’t now… so again, you lose. Cos what he would have thought of as duty to pass over in tax he now sees as punitive so takes action to reduce it.

You piss off the people who earn the money enough (60% of tax is paid by those with the 10% highest incomes) and they will look to pay less.

@Givinganopinion right because we can't possibly think of any damaging or ineffective politicians from the last decade who were privately educated, they were all remarkably successful, we are in a golden era as a direct consequence of their stellar eductions and leadership

This is a thread about the impact on children being sent to boarding school, not private education more broadly. I don't have very strong views on private education.

Good to hear that CH is still a place kids want to be. It’s definitely a very different experience than many other boarding schools and was a positive experience for the majority of the people I know who went there. I don’t know if this is still the case, but from LE onwards we had a personal tutor (like a guidance counsellor) of our own choosing who was a trusted adult to help us navigate the teen years which was a really positive thing in a boarding school.

Friends at boarding school become as close of siblings because you live with each other and have unique shared experiences that people who haven’t been to boarding school don’t have. That closeness has got nothing to do with not living with your parents, it’s a completely different relationship.

My close circle of friends who went to boarding school are all very close with their families and all but two are married/in long term relationships with kids. I’m the exception in the fact I’m not close to my mother, but there were problems there from early childhood. I am close to the rest of my family and have nothing but positive memories of my time at school.

I think you have a set point of view in your head which doesn’t match the experience of many of us who went to boarding school. It suits some people and others it doesn’t, like anything. I do however agree that anything below secondary level is too young.

I'm actually surprised that the government( all types) doesn't support boarding, state, and private, and then parents could be working longer hours.
The push for adults to have mortgages or huge rents, large bills, financial commitments they cant afford, children they can't afford unless DC are forced in 'childcare', boarding schools are one step up from 'wraparound'. Probably the only reason they don't is costing. Early years childcare is poorly funded as so many parents need the service. If they could find a way of funding it I bet the rhetoric would be different.

@corkindigo well thank you for your concern but it’s not necessary and as for the Govt? Well considering the anger after the mandate they were given, bloody hell…

They do have a tutor they see once a week but that’s more for academic, but I suppose they can discuss anything with them in that time but the more emotional stuff they are expected to go to their house parent in the first instance

Rubbish! How many babies sleep through? Mine certainly didn't!! My youngest still breastfed several times a night until 22 months.

An "hour before bed" - are you mad?? Mine never went to bed early!!

Mine have slept through from about 4 months old, and go to bed at 7pm for 12 hours.