to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

[BaklavaRocks]

Inspired by another thread, and some old YouTube documentaries I've recently watched, I can't help but feel boarding schools for under 13's (i.e. boarding prep schools) have had their time.

Maybe they used to be an acceptable option, but with all the research we now have available, showing the damage done by separation of young children from their parents, do you think boarding for v young kids (8/9/10/11) will eventually be banned except in v exceptional circumstances?

And if our politicians including past PMs like Johnson and Cameron were not a product of boarding schools, do you think they'd have more compassion and be less cut off from emotion and feelings? and better able to relate to us common folk?

They were never ok.
I know men in their 80's who were damaged by them, people in their 50's who were damaged by them and people in their 20's who were damaged by them.
For 99.9% of kids at Boarding school the decision is about whats best for the parents rather than the children.

This is an interesting thread. I would not have chosen a boarding prep school for my children BUT I am really quite uncomfortable with the idea of banning something because it isn’t to my taste.

A couple of people have said that parents have a choice to leave jobs where they are posted overseas or have to move a lot. A friend had parents who were diplomats in a difficult country (communist, they were followed around by the secret service, they knew everything they said in the apartment was being recorded). There was no way their children were being educated in that country so they went to boarding prep school. Similarly, another friend had a dad in the RAF so she went to boarding school for her GCSEs because her education had been so disrupted.

I would say that people in the armed and diplomatic services are absolutely necessary (now as much as ever). We need the right people for those jobs - quite often they will have children.

As it is, boarding for the under 13s is becoming more and more unfashionable. Boarding is also subject to the VAT from January.

Still not comparable to sending young children away for weeks and months at a time without someone they love to tuck them into bed with a cuddle every night.

@Givingmetalktalk Your post really resonates with my own experiences. That poor child whose emotional needs were just ignored so in the end he just turned in on himself. Everyone is pleased you've 'settled' as you're not longer visibly distressed; instead, you've just learnt that you have no alternative but to just keep quiet and get on with things.

This thread is really interesting as people have such different experiences. To me it shows that boarding school can be a good experience if: (i) you're old enough, maybe teenage, (ii) you actually really want to go, especially if it's maybe a specialist sport/dance/music etc school, (iii) you don't board for weeks on end with no family contact, and have the flexibility to go home when you want to, and (iv) you're of a personality where 'having a sleepover with your friends' every night is a fun activity, rather than an exhausting and socially challenging experience. The occasional 'flexi-boarding' could be great and preferable to long commutes etc. It's very different to a model with occasional 'exeat' weekends where you end up staying in school with just a few others as your family lives too far away, and at some point you realise you've gone for the whole 10-12 week term without anyone giving you a hug or putting their arm around you.

There's also the challenge of reconciling what you know was a good educational experience that has given you lifelong opportunities and contributes to your adult successes, with the knowledge that it caused lifelong emotional damage. And knowing that your parents, at least in my case, loved me very much and were trying to give me the best opportunities possible rather than sending me away because they didn't care. I think they would be heartbroken if they knew what the experience was really like, as I achieved what they hoped it would academically, and have a good life.

I would never send my own children to boarding school unless one had desperately wanted to take advantage of a sporting/music type scholarship at 14+. Maybe then, with the knowledge that they could change their mind at any point and come home at any time. Thankfully this hasn't arisen. It's hard enough when they leave for university at 18+, unimaginable to lose the time with them any younger unless it is what they really truly want for themselves.

I went to boarding school at eight, it was fine but it was weekly boarding.

Where I lived (different country) it was/is common due to vast distances in rural areas, it was an ordinary state school.

So now it's only full boarders? So not the majority of boarders?

I still remember when a friend of ours told us how he was sent to the local private school (as in he lived in the small town it was located in - 5/10 minute walk away at the most) AS A BOARDING STUDENT.

His relationship with his family was very telling. He hated his mother, was ambivalent with his father (the impression we got from him was he felt his mother was the driving force behind him being went there), does seem to get along with his brothers (who weren't sent there) but isn't close.

I can't imagine what would possess a parent to WANT to send their child away from them. Although I do remember as a youngster asking my parents to send me to boarding school because they were so romanticised in the books I read (I'm thinking probably famous five).

Any child who’s away from their home overnight on a regular basis, whether that be Monday-Friday, a half term at a time or whatever else.

I think its not very helpful (but understandable) to focus on cases where there was physical or sexual abuse, the majority of Boarding school pupils don't experience this Thank God
However, even if people say their experience was "fine" its still not OK to send kids to be raised 24/7 by people who do it for money not love. Even staff who are absolutely wonderful would walk away without a backwards glance to those kids they have effectively been parents to if they changed jobs.
I reserve the most contempt for people who say they sent their child to Boarding school at 11/12 or whatever "because they wanted to" - if my DC asked to leave home at 11 I would be taking a very long hard look at myself.

Similarly, another friend had a dad in the RAF so she went to boarding school for her GCSEs because her education had been so disrupted.

Was her Mum in the RAF too?

@Hoppinggreen Exactly! Military families like this will have the wife follow her husband to postings because they recognise keeping a long distance marriage going is hard and they miss each other. But think sending their child away is okay??

The thing is, the OP mentions banning boarding unless there are very exceptional circumstances. Who decides whether the circumstances are exceptional enough? I’m imagining someone in government going through the options: armed forces, terrible / chaotic home life, diplomatic services, living somewhere remote, being a chorister, having parents who appear functional but aren’t, having parents who are going through an appalling divorce.

It’s fairly unlikely that any government minister is going to be able write laws which allow for the nuances of whether or not someone should be allowed to choose boarding.

There could be an assessment by a child protection social worker. Basically if your child would be better off in a boarding school than home, they can go.

From memory she was a nurse so could move around pretty easily.

The family were not rich - even if they’d wanted to, they wouldn’t have afforded to keep two houses (even with one subsidised quite a lot) going.

In the end, he left the RAF because his wife had had enough of moving house. It’s hard to keep experienced people in the armed forces.

@CruCru I would never sacrifice my child for a job. Unless I was in dire poverty i.e. I understand mums in incredibly poor countries leaving children with grandparents while they travel to the city or further afield for work. But they are doing it to pay for their child's basic food and shelter.

Child protection social workers are busy people. Are we really going to add to their workload because some parents want to put their child down for weekly or flexible boarding?

Some people upthread mentioned Rachel Johnson. I don’t think I would necessarily share her values or be her sort of person. But I would struggle to say that she is in need of a visit from a social worker.

I think filling in an extensive form detailing the reasons your child couldn't live with you would be a good first step.
DH had opportunities to work abroad and I always said that either he go alone or we all go, no way would I go and leave my DC

@CruCru The service would not be free. It could be a lucrative side gig for social workers.

My DD goes to a boarding school as a day girl, currently in yr 6 in a tiny, very nurturing girls school. Boarding is available from yr 7 & she would absolutely love to board, but it's unaffordable.

Ironically as a single parent with zero support from anyone else, boarding would allow me to work more and may well give her a "nicer" life with some of the treats I cannot currently afford. Plus allow me to work more during term time and have a lighter load during the holidays and therefore more quality time together.

We shall see, flexi boarding is available so may prove the best option for us both if I can increase my working to both afford and justify this, but the fundamental reason would be because she wants to be there. I'm not sure I'd ever choose it for her, but understand the attraction of "sleepovers" with her friends, in a place she truly loves.
We are very very close, as it's been just us from day one with no support, so I'm pretty sure her preferences are nothing to do with a failing in our relationship.
All children, families and schools are different & we're mostly all trying our best in our own unique circumstances.

Nothing is perfect, but I'll never understand how people can't see that different things work for different set ups. In the perfect world, I'd be a SAHM to lots of children with a supportive partner and family, but unfortunately that's not how it worked out, so like most others I'm doing my best with what I have.

Paid or not, do they have time to do this as well? Or do they do less of their standard job to fit this in because it pays better?

I suppose my point is, how much of your life do you want overseen by a social worker or some other person who doesn’t share your values? The older I get, the more suspicious I am of governments - I commit no crimes and I pay taxes on time so there should be no reason for anyone to get involved in how I live my life.

I am not someone who would choose a boarding prep school. But if someone else were to decide that their child would enjoy weekly boarding at Lambrook, should they have that decision overruled by someone else? How would one ensure that that person was unbiased?

@CruCru You were claiming there is no way to oversee boarding schools only being legally allowed in exceptional circumstances. I was saying with 2 minutes thought I could come up wit a way. There will be other options.
And I know a number of ex child protection workers, it is a tough job and people rarely stay in it for the whole of their career. Most get burnt out. So yes there are plenty of ex child protection social workers who could do the work. All you would have to allow is an easy way to re reregister for this specific work, if their registration has lapsed.

Yes but you’re dealing with much smaller children (and babies) with a much, much greater need for caregiver bonding and love.

@Silvan which is why all the research shows childminders or grandparents are best.

My mum went at 12 to one an hour or so from home. Hated it and vowed never to send us to one. She told me about one pupil who was sent there from overseas at 8 because her older sisters were already there. She only saw her parents at Christmas and the summers. Hope her sisters looked out for her.

Not necessarily, if that is realistically the only way to keep a roof over the family's heads.

Nevertheless, if it were me I would rather risk chopping and changing the child's schooling than send them to boarding school.