to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

[BaklavaRocks]

Inspired by another thread, and some old YouTube documentaries I've recently watched, I can't help but feel boarding schools for under 13's (i.e. boarding prep schools) have had their time.

Maybe they used to be an acceptable option, but with all the research we now have available, showing the damage done by separation of young children from their parents, do you think boarding for v young kids (8/9/10/11) will eventually be banned except in v exceptional circumstances?

And if our politicians including past PMs like Johnson and Cameron were not a product of boarding schools, do you think they'd have more compassion and be less cut off from emotion and feelings? and better able to relate to us common folk?

My dad was a boarder and loved it. His younger brother also went with him to boarding school. They both enjoyed it. My grandmother worked and my grandfather was away in the Navy. One of my Dad's friends (from that school) was taken in by my grandmother when his mother died (his Dad worked abroad), so for holidays, exeats etc he'd go to my Dad's home.

My brother and I did flexi boarding from 10yrs old, but we never did weekly or full time boarding. We enjoyed it: the housemasters and housemistresses were lovely and caring (I'm still in contact with some of them today). All the school staff were lovely. My friends did well. I have friends now whose kids board (weekly/flexi) and they enjoy it - in their case, it was their kids who wanted to, for the social aspect with their friends (they started flexi/weekly from 13 or 14). My friends are very involved and loving parents who do a lot with them when they're home. I do think it depends on the person/family (and the school for that matter!).

Would I send my kids off to board? Definitely not full time or weekly. I would have considered flexi boarding when they were a little bit younger and before I had managed to negotiate working set shifts. But that would have been the odd night here and there when I couldn't get childcare (XH = chocolate teapot). My DP are both dead and I didn't really have people who could step in to help when XH would go AWOL, so things were really fraught and I would spend a lot of time trying to see who could have them to bridge gaps between nursery/wraparound and my shifts starting/finishing. Flexi boarding would have really helped! Mind you, that is all neither here nor there: my DC have always gone to state schools, and the fees of private schools are way beyond what I could afford!

Re nurseries: I had to send the DC to nursery from about 6/7m old (they finished there when they started primary) as I had to work. If I could have afforded a nanny, I would have done that, due to me working nursing shifts (again, my salary wouldn't go anywhere near that!). Luckily they went to a wonderful nursery: very low staff turnover, the staff who have been there have worked there for many years and are amazing with the kids. My DC have very fond memories of their nursery.

This is sadly true in too many cases

That may be so (I’ve been there when my now teens went from age 11 months) but still the baby/toddler is getting a DAILY dose of love and affection every morning and evening, even though it’s a small amount of time, they’re experiencing love every day and that’s the crucial difference.

I do think this concept of small children being utterly.miserable but being in a setting where they have to hide this is indescribably unhealthy and at the heart if the damage that boarding school can do. What must it be like to grow up being told that your feelings have no validity and should be suppressed? What does that do to your self esteem and ability to show empathy?

I too share concerns about full time nursery care but it is not done to voice this because those who feel they have no choice but to do this are made to feel bad. We now know about the importance of attachment and love for small people and yet this does not inform the trend towards absent parents at a very young age. Something is awry and needs rethinking. Career progression need not trump concern for children's emotional stability. Might there be a causal relationship between early nursery care and the epidemic of mental health problems in older children? Coincidence is not causality, but this needs academic study.

What else were they supposed to do with their children?
Prioritise them! Take a job where they don’t have to be separated from their children, like most of the population. Totally a selfish choice.

I do see it might be the only option for parents who work abroad or move around a lot.

That is a choice, no one is forced to take a job abroad or move around a lot.

I really do agree!

My DD is in Year 3 and I would absolutely hate her being away at boarding school.

She still has cuddles and kisses before bed. She sometimes comes downstairs for extra reassurance. I go in to her and give her a kiss and tuck her in when we go to bed.

I think it is atrocious that there is still an option for 7 year olds to be away from their parents.

I wouldn't treat a dog like that is a good point, isn't it?

If you bring a foster/adopted dog home and it cries every night, you comfort them, stay downstairs with them for the first week or so etc until they're more comfortable. Leaving a dog crying every night is cruel-people online go up in arms about it (and rightly so!).

My ex had her dogs stay over sometimes with her, and the first couple of times my dog was unsettled and cried. I slept downstairs with her! A dog! And I think that was the right thing to do.

@WindsurfingDreams @TENSsion

The financial support for aspiring actors is mainly needed to pay them through drama school as most of the top ones are private organisations which don't attract full funding even for degree programmes and have annual fees of circa £15k plus. Also the contact time is around 40 hours per week which leaves little spare time for a part time job.

However DD, two years post graduation, fully supports herself in a London flat share with a combination of fitness training, working reception at a private club and various small acting jobs while auditioning for the bigger roles. This kind of portfolio career is the reality for even pretty successful actors and you can fully support yourself.

I have been trawling around European studies about outcomes for children placed in child care at an early age - the results are mixed, and it is hard to control for the variable of the quality of that care.

One interesting study by Oxford University concludes: "One finding that did emerge was that children who spent more time in group care, mainly nursery care, were more likely to have behavioural problems, particularly hyperactivity. Conclusions: These findings suggest that interventions to enhance children’s emotional and behavioural development might best focus on supporting families and augmenting the quality of care in the home"

I do like the idea of focussing interventions on the home - in other words supporting young families so that parents can be at home with their children. The focus has been on getting parents back to work and putting support into day care. There is a case to be made out for shifting that focus.

I checked the ONS data on childcare for infants. Children aged 0 to 4 spent a median of 22.5 hours a week in formal childcare in 2023. So not comparable to boarding school at all.

My Mum went to boarding school aged 7. My grandfather was giving Mum the best educational opportunity available, in the 1950s he probably was correct. Thankfully her school was reasonably good at the pastoral side of things for that time and she has close relationships with her schoolfriends and her old teachers. But she definitely has some symptoms of boarding school syndrome, she's very anxious and a perfectionist and was a much less loving parent than my Dad (who didn't board). But she wasn't as damaged as some descriptions on here and she knows her parents did what they thought was the right thing for her. Thinking about it FIL went to boarding school as well, although he didn't go until he was at secondary school. Like my parents, the non-boarding schooled parent was the warmer more loving parent in DH's family. That feels like quite a revelation actually. The impact of boarding school definitely impacts down the generations.

Honestly? I suspect that being a successful actor depends more on whether you have money than whether you went to private school. Actors who are starting out don’t get paid (or don’t get paid very much). It’s a risky career - you could end up being very well paid but you probably won’t. A bit like going into politics I suppose.

I boarded and loved it. DD wanted to board but we couldn't afford it, but I suspect she would have been the perfect candidate for boarding and had an amazing time. I'd have missed her hugely, but nowadays it's much easier to keep in contact and there are long holidays, half-terms and exeats.

Friends with DC who are boarding seem to visit a lot more than parents did in my day.

FWIW, I have an incredibly close relationship with my parents - far more so than DH who didn't board and rarely picks up the phone to his. Also had/have a close relationship with my house parents - they came to our weddings, kept in touch, celebrated births of babies etc. They were truly wonderful, warm people that I didn't appreciate nearly enough at the time!

I do find it odd that so many people are anti boarding but have no issues with babies being shunted off to child minders and nurseries.

I was a SAHM till DD started school - in the same way that others can't imagine sending their 11 year old to boarding school, I could not fathom sending my baby to nursery.

I thought the fact the majority of parents do t spent 1:1 time with their kids daily before kindergarten was horrific - far worse than sending them to stay with friends in the week and having weekends and longer holidays 1:1 with them when they are teenagers! Some of you seem to be excusing under 5s rarely seeing their parents at nurseries and with childminders but not older kids who often dont leave their rooms at home anyway. Very odd.

@Mischance The research has been around for a while. Before about 2.5 or 3, children do better in a family type care set up. That includes SAHM, childminders or grandparents. After that age, they do better in group care like a nursery.
If you want mums to be SAHM again, you have to accept the benefits bill will rise considerably, and not just for mums of children not at school. We had this during the seventies when low pay plus no help with childcare meant it made no financial sense to work before your children went to school. Those on lower paid work would have paid all their wages in childcare. But once children went to school, those mums who often had not worked for 8 or more years (average of 3 years gap between two children), often took some time to get back into work. Employers were not keen.

You don’t think there’s any class barriers? No “knowing the right people”?

I do find it odd that so many people are anti boarding but have no issues with babies being shunted off to child minders and nurseries.

I think you will find that many people are concerned about both.

@RespiceFinemKarma when parents talk about teenagers not leaving their rooms, they don't mean they literally do not see them or talk to them. And any parent of teenagers finds the most important conversations take place at unexpected times e.g. locking up and your teenager comes down supposedly for a snack and then launches into a revelation of something worrying them. Just being around for teenagers is important.

I think if you are seeing your child at boarding school only in holidays, half terms, etc, then you set up a relationship where you are permanently on holiday with your child. Because of course you want to make the most of your time together.
But relationships are built up in the day to day living and minutiae of life.

I have a teen who boards - she is an only child and gets far more interaction amongst her friends doing hobbies she loves as well as getting her homework done. I stayed home as a parent and did every school drop off and pick up until senior school, the formative years, because I wanted her to have the best start. Teens don't spend a huge amount of time with their parents every day. We message and email daily and I see her every weekend 1:1 which is more than a lot of parents. She is far happier where she is than if she was at home with me and no siblings at a school that couldn't cater for her academically or her hobbies. She actually tells me this nearly every weekend.

I do not know of a single parent who doesn’t spend 1:1 time with their child before kindergarten/reception whatsoever, paid childcare or otherwise. Yes that does sound horrific, what awful parents you must know.

I thought the fact the majority of parents do t spent 1:1 time with their kids daily before kindergarten was horrific - far worse than sending them to stay with friends in the week and having weekends and longer holidays 1:1 with them when they are teenagers! Some of you seem to be excusing under 5s rarely seeing their parents at nurseries and with childminders but not older kids who often dont leave their rooms at home anyway. Very odd.

Well for one thing childcare pre 5 tends to be more of a necessity vs boarding school which is very much a choice in pretty much all situations. It still isn't the same having someone mind your child during the day vs literally shipping them off for weeks on end no matter how you colour it, pre schoolers still need parenting out side of the nursery day, you're still their main carer, that can't be said of boarders, emotionally it is entirely different. What happens when sickness strikes highlights that.

Someone said the mean hours under 5's are in nursery is over 22hrs a week. You have a very odd view of what is normal if that isn't in some way concerning. Babies away from their parents on average a whole day every week. But people are worried about teens being taught how to behave properly while threads elsewhere wang on about why behaviour in state schools is so appalling...

The weekly average isn’t relevant though. Babies and toddlers who go to nursery see their parent(s) every day and receive a daily dose of love and affection - it’s the regularity that counts, not average hours over a week/month/year.

Babies releasing cortisol because they are stressed does count though, when you look at impact on growth of the brain. Being away from trusted caregivers has a much more detrimental effect on younger children.