to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

[BaklavaRocks]

Inspired by another thread, and some old YouTube documentaries I've recently watched, I can't help but feel boarding schools for under 13's (i.e. boarding prep schools) have had their time.

Maybe they used to be an acceptable option, but with all the research we now have available, showing the damage done by separation of young children from their parents, do you think boarding for v young kids (8/9/10/11) will eventually be banned except in v exceptional circumstances?

And if our politicians including past PMs like Johnson and Cameron were not a product of boarding schools, do you think they'd have more compassion and be less cut off from emotion and feelings? and better able to relate to us common folk?

I live in Africa and sometimes given the distance between home and a school you absolutely do not have a choice and you have to send your kids to boarding school. Nursery aged kids stay home but eventually they have to go to formal school. Wealthier families sometimes manage to buy a second home in the city but even that isn’t a great option with fragmented families living between homes for access to schooling.

Also have to add that my husband went to boarding school and his brother did not.
His brother has not done very well in life (failed relationships, addiction, lack of motivation and the list can go on)
My husband is adamant that the difference between them is boarding school. My brother in law grew up completely reliant on his mother to look after him whereas my husband fostered independence.

It depends on the age of course. Boarding at 16 for instance would be great, spending all of your time studying or socialising with friends, and preparing for more independence at university is a good thing I imagine. It’s often a fraught age. 13 can be a tricky age especially for girls. Under 13 should really be banned unless it is the odd night flexi boarding. Children need a lot of love and guidance from parents when they are young. They lack the ability to keep themselves safe. I don’t know a single child that willingly choose to board aged 7/8.

Thats a personality thing. I raised 4 boys and 1 out of 4 is not ambitious/academic. They went to the same schools

It's not for every child, but I didnt hate boarding. I also didnt love it.

Lots of forces parents use boarding, for various reasons. Quite a lot have no choice because where they are posted. There were certainly some children that cried for a month, and some that took to it very well, I was on the it's pointless crying, my crying wont change a thing, so may as well make the best of it.

Trouble is, he's a selfish, terminally unfaithful knob, so his opinion is irrelevant

My kids school does flexi boarding. My 12 year old does the odd night and has done for two years and loves it without exception. He would weekly board if we could afford it.

lots Of boarders actually have a fair amount of contact with parents - many go to watch the sports twice a week. They also have such long holidays - 9.5 weeks in the summer. They aren’t ever at school for more than 3 weeks.

I also agree that full time pre age 5 childcare is far more of a societal problem than boarding school.

Why couldn't you look after him? You are his parents after all!

I don't think we're the first generation to use nurseries - I'm 43 and went to nursery full time from 6 months (the length of maternity leave in the 80s), it's not a recent thing.

Bloody hell, so you have a "fair amount of contact " with your child.
Name his 3 best friends.
I agree with you about the babies in full time care, but I've thought that for 23 years taking my oldest to daycare for a day ( apparenty it's good for their socialisation). We waled through the baby room and I could not believe it. It was like a baby nursery in a hospital. These kids were 6

Surely if anything that makes his opinion even more relevant? The emotional damage and attachment issues we’re talking about aren’t going to present as a cute little eight year old crying themselves to sleep into adulthood.

Now all young British people, without financial backing, who wish to because successful actors need to do is change nationalities.

I tend to agree with all of this.

My uncle boarded from 10, loved it. Now can't live independently due to mental health issues going on for 35 years.

My dad boarded from 8, has a successful life, but is passive, can't make a hard decision to save his life, was happy to see me only EOW with not even a phone call inbetween. He absolutely hated boarding.

There are times though when they provide stability. Forces children, children of ill parents to give them a better homelife etc

I grew up on a Scottish island, and my Mum was a teacher. Most of the smaller islands in our island group have schools that go went up to S4 (specialist teachers fly out to the islands to teach) and the hostel the kids stayed in at 16+ was Sunday night to Friday, the boats are timed so the kids could go home straight from school on a Friday. Kids only stay in the hostel at the weekend if there is extreme weather disruption. You'd need to live on a tiny island with under 100 residents before you'd have to board from 11.

I can’t understand why many people are so judgmental about others’ parenting choices, and I say that as someone whose children don’t board. Personally, I couldn’t leave a small baby at a nursery 5 days a week with strangers who are looking after several babies at once. Plenty of people are happy to do so, and it obviously works for them, so that’s good. I’m not going to judge others for choosing decisions which wouldn’t suit me. Personally, I’d prefer to send an 11 year old to boarding school than a small baby to nursery.

Boarding schools are unrecognisable from how they were even a generation ago. It might not be right for every child, but they do seem to suit plenty of children. Most boarding schools now offer flexi boarding, where children stay a few days a week, and they see it more as an exciting sleepover. Lots of children at schools with day and boarding provision ask their parents to board. They can contact their parents daily, and things like FaceTime mean that the experience is very different from how it used to be.

I’m not sure that many of those criticising boarding schools have actually visited one and realise what they’re actually like now.

My daughter is a day girl at a prep boarding school and has friends who have boarded since age 8. The school has a great programme for boarders and the staff are lovely, but the girls are just…miserable. They also feel they have to hide their misery from parents and staff, which is incredibly sad.

A lot of people who think boarding school had a negative effect on them have the means to write about it, talk about it, and have people listen. Most people who think state school and their home life had a negative effect on them are just expected to get on with life, no-one is interested in what they have to say.

Trouble is, he's a selfish, terminally unfaithful knob, so his opinion is irrelevant

Not if you consider that could be directly as a result of his upbringing 🤷‍♀️

There are times though when they provide stability. Forces children, children of ill parents to give them a better homelife etc

On the Forces point that is a decision, my DH would leave the military before we got to the point we needed to send them away, it really isn't an excuse any more, the military has modernised, it's a class thing in the military too.

Yes , when are they going to start teaching state educated children to write?

(Mine go to private school but honestly this is one of the silliest comments I have read on Mumsnet. There are plenty of state educated people who could write a book about their experience if it was that awful)

Yes - my brother did weekly boarding in sixth form, on a specialist music scholarship. He absolutely loved it, it made him much more independent, and he is a music teacher in a state secondary school now.

I can't imagine sending children much younger than that away, and I also agree about tiny kids in childcare. (I have had to do it for mine, but have done my very best to juggle working patterns and timetables so that they are only in childcare 2/3 days a week and they have as much time as possible with parents/GPs).

There is a choice about whether you send your child to boarding school. Most parents don't have a choice about using childcare.

Lol in what world does this happen! 😂 When mine went to nursery as a baby, he was up around 5am every morning, had 3 - 4 awake hours with me or his dad every morning before nursery. Would go to nursery, have a big nap before lunch and a big nap after. Then picked up and had another 2 - 3 awake hours with us after nursery. Then waking up constantly throughout the night. He was usually at nursery 8.45ieh to 4.45ish and overall I'd say we definitely got at least as much awake time with him as nursery did and probably significantly more!

Completely agree re pre age 5 full time childcare, not blsming parents' 'choices' necessarily, more that society needs to recognise the value financially of ideally a parent, or another relative in the case of parental loss or unsuitability, fulfilling that role