To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

mollydol I was rolling my eyes reading the opening post and not because I wanted to be against the OP. That would be very weird. It's okay that people think differently to you and doesn't mean they're posting something they don't actually think for the sake of it.

Nor does thinking the OP isn't perfect mean that the SIL isn't a hell of a lot worse. It's possible for nobody to be covered in glory.

Stop paying, I wouldn't have helped in the first place as I don't agree with private schools.

She was never going to get a job, and she won't. As long as they meet the terms of the loan repayment, there isn't a lot you can do. Make sure you don't upset yourself by getting messages about what she is up to.

She got with the BIL under false pretenses and is a habitual liar by the sounds of it, perfectly reasonable to not hold her in high regard based on the facts.

The BIL needs to grow a backbone because he sounds incredibly meek and an utter pushover.

I understand you are fond of your BIL but honestly it takes 2 to tango.
I blamed my stepmother for my father's behaviour for years- she is a grasping chancer, but everything my Dad did and all the advantages their son got while I got nothing was really down to my Dad all along-I just didn't want to accept it.
Your BIL will have realised long ago the daughter isn't his but has gone along with the wife anyway.
My stepmother has been wasting my Dad's money for 40 years- but he lets it happen- the same with your BIL.
The difference is I would never have lent them money, because the SM would just spend it.
This has been going on for years, the kids are in their final years at school-you can't be surprised at the outcome, surely. Anyone who spends £58K on a domestic kitchen is not to be trusted with money- you have agreed to paying the school fees, which you shouldn't have done- you have to bite the bullet, and learn from your mistake.

You never know what goes on between two people.

The op says the sil lied about the paternity of the first child.

How does she actually know the sil and bil didn't have a chat about it on the beginning and he was prepared to take the child on as his own?

How does the op actually know for sure that bil hasn't okay'd the kitchen spend? And that he too is reckless with money?

How does anyone know the bil isn't financially abusive? Doesn't let his wife work? Or makes it difficult for her?

I only bring this up because of my experience with financially abusive and reckless people. They are expert at blaming others whilst refusing to allow anyone to know the true situation.

I think the op should keep out of this marriage in every single way which includes lending them money. And she should also reserve judgement because she doesn't necessarily have all the facts.

You see, while everyone else here is saying you're the mug etc, I totally feel for you. Now I'm a but of a nasty person and when someone makes me feel like an idiot, either my BIL by putting me on the spot. Or her, by aparantly having a lavish lifestyle while she can't pay the school fees. Sounds like she is horribly materialistic and here's what I would do. Next time on Instagram just out her. Say "wow glad to see the school fee money I paid for your kids is being well spent". See sooner or later this is going to fester until you fall out. Prepare for the fallout but sooner rather than later. I mean who borrows school fee money and is OK with their wife having some ridiculous Christmas market outing. "Takes her coat and leaves".

Why bother being passive aggressive? It's just childish.

OP the problem here is firstly that you’ve cast some sort of Disney-like view of your “lovely lovely BIL”. He was an innocent 29yo virgin at a young farmers party (why the fuck is a nearly 30yo at a young farmers party, a bit creepy and how do you know he’s a virgin?!). She, the evil witch, turned up uninvited (I used to go to the YF parties didn’t realise you needed and invite), and stole his virtue - he of course as a grown man had no say in this and was a little innocent lamb let by the evil witch who was much younger than him.

Fast forward several years and the lovely lovely innocent lamb is clearly earning an absolute fortune, his DW is a SAHM, he’s barely at home and his kids are in private school. Again being an naive doe eyed lamb (but also intelligent enough to be earning an absolute packet overseas) had no idea about finances and couldn’t take the time to have some control over the cost of a kitchen.

You for quite sexist reasons seem to intensely dislike her, and RELISHED the opportunity to be able to control her life in some way. I think the only reason you gave out the loan, despite the face that your BIL can afford the repayments himself, was so you could control her. Money well spent or what. You can’t impose controlling terms on a loan. And I doubt you could sue her for not getting a job, seeing as the loan is being repaid.

Bottom line is you shouldn’t have lent them the money. So the kids would’ve had to come out of private school - so what. Plenty of kids “settle” for state school and they’ve had most of their years in private education so have been given a good start. You should have said “no sacrifice the school fees”. If he said they were destitute and gonna lose their house then fair enough but they just want the exact same lifestyle with no sacrifices, and that’s not how managing debt should work.

I also think it’s total bollocks that your friend sent you a screenshot in a “Let’s go to this destination” way. It was being bitchy. Because you’re seemingly obsessed with this woman and have probably told all and sundry about the loan and your mate couldn’t wait to grass on her

As for the paternity of their DD - what does your BIL have to say about this?? It would be very odd of him to have shrugged and said “meh”

How is your loan legally binding? I mean it surely can’t be THAT big a loan if they can still send their kids to private school!

The op says the sil lied about the paternity of the first child.
How does she actually know the sil and bil didn't have a chat about it on the beginning and he was prepared to take the child on as his own?

I agree and think this probably happened. My own SIL and BIL had a similar set up, he knew full well he wasn’t the bio father, it’s what they agreed. But as soon as she allowed with him his family told and sundry and that she “tricked him” 🙄

The issue is between her and your BIL.
and your DH should be the one dealing with this.
you are enabling this situation. Step away

Sorry OP, your brothers a mug and you are too if you give them money.

Hmm it seems the OPs DH and his brother know some dubious ladies. On another thread the OP talks of her husbands ex who decided she wanted a council flat so got someone to make her pregnant who she knew would up and leave her , then got her father to write saying he was kicking her out and lo and behold she got a flat a decorating grant, a grant for baby necessities and 30 years later still lives in a house she has never paid a penny for.

The OP must be like a breath of fresh air for them after all these grasping women.

@EvilsElsasPetSnowman absolutely agree. Spot on.

It’s amazing how these women are solely responsible for their pregnancies and in OP’s world men are blameless for everything they ever do. I love it when other women are so supportive <sarcasm>

Wow, sorry but this really is his own making. Any woman who did what she did is obviously an awful person, and he has put nothing in place to keep her with limited funds so that it doesn't impact the children.
You need to not lend them money, sorry but maybe when it does effect the children he will see sense and get rid

Who said BIL was earning a fortune ? And no i didn't pay the school fees to control her ( you mind works in strange ways) i agreed to pay the school fee's as i didn't want the children to suffer.

If his kids are in private school he’s earning a fortune.

Of course he’s earning a fortune is he has a SAHM wife and 2 children in private school. No one works abroad for long periods for a pittance.

Youve been massively mugged off by BIL. I would never ask for a huge loan when one person wasn’t even working. Also it’s presumably his money that she’s spending to go abroad so it’s him you should be angry at. And rightly so - I’ve lent money before and had people be behind with it and all of a sudden it’s all over social media that they’re abroad. It’s degrading and humiliating. But your BIL is not lovely, he’s a mug and a piss taker. And unfortunately for you the pair of them saw you coming! Definitely say something but be aware you have a wet wipe BIL problem.

Private school isn't essential and they shouldn't have enrolled their children if they couldn't afford it. Really silly of you to have paid the fees. Do not pay the fees again. If they need to move to a state school then that isn't the end of the world.

The kids would be fine moving schools. To state schools. (How very awful)

I think you should stay out of their marriage and finances especially as it comes with your judgement the whole time and especially since as I said before, nobody truly knows what goes on between two people.

I wonder how the kids would feel knowing you were bitching about their mum all the time?

But such fun.

If you're going to be so judgemental on what they spend their money on you should never have let them borrow money for the school fees.
It doesn't matter what you think of your SIL, your BIL chose to marry her and have kids with her. Tough, if you don't like it you shouldn't have given them money for fees in the first place. Good luck demanding she gets 2 jobs, how controlling of you.

Oh poor innocent virgin bil. What a victim.