To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

He seems totally besotted with her! So he won't hit the roof, and the wife knows it.

I can't get my head round it being your responsibility to keep the children in school. It was their mums choices which led to them almost having to change school. If you do decide to not pay for the next term, it might make sil more accountable and responsible for her spending.
Your inheritance was good timing. Did they know about it? Wondering if SIL saw it as a back up so she could ramp up her own spending on herself and knew you would feel guilt if the children suffered.

I dislike the woman, from the way she is described, and I'm not involved with them in any way! She sounds like a gold digger who only cares about herself, not even her children, otherwise she would not have gotten in so much debt that they can't attend the school they were in anymore!

While your BIL is an adult, so is she. Tell her and your BIL straight - no more money for school fees. Sorry, but it's not happening while she is swanning about spending money like she is. Stick to it. I feel for your BIL, but she's taking you all for mugs.

If she wasn't working, how did she run up huge debts without bil knowing about it? Surely they must have been based on his salary?

I understand why you wanted to help but I think longer term you have made their situation worse. There is absolutely no consequence for her spending because you bailed them out. BIL can continue to be 'soft'because there's still not been any impact on the kids.
Moving the kids to state school would have been uncomfortable but it might have actually been a wake up call for them to deal with their finances. And she'd have to explain to her friends why the kids have moved which she would probably be more upset about
Now she'll continue to spend money like water and they'll come to you cap in hand again soon enough.

Why is it if a woman is treated like this it’s abuse? If a man’s treated like this, he needs to grow a backbone. This is financial abuse and coersion.

OP- My ex sister in law was just like this. To her it’s all about the show and this one be showing off about it. Full on narc. He’ll be coerced into getting money from just about anywhere and anyone. If she’s happy that he’s working abroad and using the proceeds to go on expensive holiday's then it just shows what she is and she’ll never change. She’ll be living a single life and using his money to do so.

My brother never got to the other side of this. He had a hidden heart condition, although I have no doubt she had a hand in his early death. She even used his own nieces and nephews (mine and my brothers children) as a weapon against him it didn’t work for her though. She rarely worked (apart from when she found only fans) She frequently used and believed the phrase ‘what’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is mine’. She completely rinsed him. He was a shell!

You may never see that money again, but use it as clout to say to her to never ask again. If you’re all together at the same time if it’s asked again then make sure you’re looking at her for the entire time you’re saying no, because I guarantee it’ll be coming from her. She’ll believe she’s entitled to your money too. Seems utterly ridiculous…but these people do exist ☹️

YANBU to expect your money back on time and in full, as agreed.

YABU to feel entitled to dictate how they spend their money or how many hours (or jobs) they work. That is absolutely none of your business, especially when (so far) the money has been repaid as agreed. Do you even know how long ago this trip was booked, or who paid? And exactly what is considered reckless spending? Are they allowed a holiday? Chocolate biscuits? To turn the heating on without adding an extra jumper first?

School fees probably means they are at boarding school.

I agree, which is why I wouldn't want to do anything to disrupt their education at such a late stage.

I'd share all this with the BIL though, and I think they should consider selling the house with its fabulous £58k kitchen and downsizing once the kids have finished school. They could pay the loan back out of the equity then.

SIL sounds like an utter nightmare, and your BIL is a fool to put up with her antics.

Are they sticking to the repayment schedule?

If their Dc go to Uni they will continue to have high expenses.

If they are up to date with repayments, I wouldn’t urge divorce yet: that will scupper any chance of repayment: divorce is immensely expensive.

@Getonwitit it was such a generous and kind thing you did to lend the money so your niece and nephew could finish their schooling uninterrupted at what sounds like critical years. Really really decent x

A friend who, apparently, is close enough to the OP to go on a mini-break with her but knows nothing of this story which OP has liberally shared in all its gory detail...

You absolutely have to tell him!

You can’t fix her.
You can’t fix your brother in law.

Both are adults and both are responsible for their decisions in life.

You made a decision to agree to lend your brother in law money.
You should honour your agreement.

Learn from this.

Are you willing to pay the school fees forever? If not, they need to change their kids schools now, or take responsibility for themselves.

I'd stop paying the school fees if you can't afford it. When you are looking at a meagre retirement because of these two chancers you will regret being so generous.

The problem is that in attaching conditions about their lifestyle to the loan you put yourself in the position of constant monitoring, and then in position of you judging their every move.

She is an obvious nightmare, you knew that. But essentially their obligation is to repay the money. Whether they do that by him working away, her starting OnlyFans or them adopting a diet of lentils is not really your business.

If you complain to BIL about every extravagant transgression of hers that you see on SM the relationship between your DH and his brother will be destroyed.

Are they making regular repayments? Just make sure they keep coming in.

I am so sorry you are in this position. Your kindness to a family member is exactly what I would have done and many others. Unfortunately there are those that give and those that take. Your SIL is a taker. I know quite a few like that. You can't change them. They believe they are owed. They are not. You wanted to help and you did. I expect your BIL knows exactly what type of person his wife is and as he works OS is probably glad of the distance. I think a little chat in his ear about how you feel would be needed but don't expect change. He asked for help. She didn't and as doesn't work she is also another expense for him. If you want to help your niblings then do if you dont then stop paying. And feel good about it. I doubt you have a relationship with SIL, but if you do maybe let her know but otherwise be grateful that you are helping and able to help. It's only for max 2 years. Wish you all the best. I would have done the same. X

Hello. I understand where you are coming from. You clearly don’t like your SIL and maybe with good reason. But I think it might be worth reframing things. The money you have given is for the education of the kids and that was a really generous thing to do. It would’ve been really disruptive for them to have had to leave with so little time left to go and know that you have had real impact there. Your SIL’s spending though is between her and your BIL. There might be lots of reasons why she spends as she does and they need to work together to sort things out. I understand why conditions might have been agreed as I imagine your BIL was desperate at the time. But it’s not realistic to enforce them. So I think just know you’ve done a kind thing, have no expectation of SIL doing anything in particular and leave it to them to sort out. And don’t step in financially again. Best wishes.