To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

The attitude of these types of spenders is, oh but these others have the money and we don’t, we need it and they don’t. It’s a different mentality. As someone who has a begging relative who has never worked and never would lower themselves to, but has spent their inheritance now, it really is true , unfortunately

I think we’ve all known people in relationships that aren’t good for them and we just want to shake them because it’s so frustrating that they can’t see it.

But you have to just tread very carefully.

He loves her and you going against her will just make him stay with her more.

They say you should just be as supportive as you can and let them know that you are always there for them.

My sister is in a relationship with a man who is not good for her and I too want to shake her but I just have to try and bite my tongue because else she won’t confide in me or come to me when she really needs it.

why would having to go to a state school, you know, like the vast majority of the population do, hurt the kids "so so much"?

Private school is for the very very well off (or those talented enough to get a scholarship), the top, what, 7%? If your brother and SIL are tens of thousands in debt they aren't in that bracket and it's ridiculous of you to subsidise them to pretend they are, when their own mother would rather go abroad to a spa than pay their fees herself.

They have to cut their coat according to their cloth, like every other household. Cutting optional luxuries isn't some sad deprivation that will ruin their lives, it's completely normal.

If they were at risk of losing their home or not being able to feed their kids then you giving them money would be kind, but school fees are not an essential - so either give the money with good grace and accept they will spend it on whatever they want, including holidays, or refuse it.

Haven't read the full thread yet but I don't know why you're getting a hard time here. You did what you could to help them and she took the piss. She sounds like a money grabbing t**t.

Don't pay any more, you are throwing good money after bad. You are delaying the inevitable. Those kids are going to suffer financially at some point, no way will they make it through university without their parents going bankrupt.

If you want to help BIL financially, maybe assist in finding a shit hit divorce lawyer

If that was the condition of the loan worked out between them why not? And SiL must know about the loan because OP says she pays the school fees in instalments. I’d be furious too.

My Husband knew. I didn't know any of them until 2 years later.

Having worked at 3 private schools, I can safely say they’re not going to kick a year 11 out this close to GCSEs.

It’s an absolute joke that she’s on spa holidays while you’re bailing out the school fees. I don’t really see how you can raise this with your BIL without falling out with him, though. I imagine he will be very defensive of her behaviour.

Make sure you're paying the fees directly to the school

You knew what she was like before the agreement yet you did it anyway. Now you’re all disgruntled. Hopefully you learnt your lesson. Why on earth you didn’t just pay the school fees I don’t know. How very silly.

The OP hadn’t said that when I asked the question.

Here’s post I replied to very early on in the thread.

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

There is nothing to say the SIL agreed to the loan, the OP continually mentions “she owes me money” when it was the BIL who asked for the loan in the first place, clearly the OP doesn’t like the SIL. People can froth all they like on this thread but the OP didn’t explain the full situation. I’ll say it again, I do not agree with the OP putting a condition on the loan of the SIL working, that's controlling. She clearly despises the SIL. Also there’s 5 years to pay back the loan so why is the OP so nasty about it? There is nothing to say they won’t pay it back within the 5 year timeline.

Wow you are simply far too invested here.

I have 5 brothers in law. I do not know anything about the sex life/loss of virginity of any of them. They are fully grown men and frankly their love lives (and related mistakes) are their business. Is your brother in law in some way vulnerable?

In fact one of my brothers in law has a long term girlfriend who is so blatantly using him for money it’s almost comical.

I simply stay the fuck out of it.

I didn't give them any money, i pay the school directly.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I agree i should just give them the 5 years to pay it back. It just makes me so angry that she couldn't care less about her children's education. If i don't pay the school fee's her son will have to leave the school. She has shown her true colours.
Lesson learned and i certainly won't bail them out again.

@Getonwitit how much are the fees? Are all the fees you agreed to pay, now paid by you? Or are there more to go? If there are more, I’d be doing all that I said in last two posts but I would not be lending or offering more - if she can go away and spend on herself then they could have paid the fees. I bet they’d have managed if it were not for the inheritance … the more I think about this the more I think they could have stumped up and paid.

Do people really discuss their siblings sex lives with partners? Do siblings discuss their sex lives. I am very very close with both my siblings but I absolutely couldn't tell you when either lost their virginity and I have no idea on my inlaws sex lives either. Neither would I know if someone had been invited to a ball or not. If they arrived with friends I would assume either a plus one or the friends had asked permission

Of course she cares. She needed the money to pay the school and you gave her a loan. Job done in her eyes and you cannot make any comment on judgement on how she generates household income and how she lives/what she spends her money on.

That grates I know - why lending to family can be a complete nightmare.

If terms are 5 years to repay, the only thing I might have a mild interest in is capacity to pay in the future - I am guessing that your input was only this years fees so what happens next year and the year after and when uni costs kick in.

But you can only worry about non payment when it actually happens.

No, you cannot make someone else's wife get a second job.

You obviously hate her and you also seem to think that your BIL is some sort of helpless passive victim in all this. He is the one who asked to borrow the money, he equally chose to send his children to private schools and he is the one who (given that his wife wasn't working) controls the purse strings, so he is just as much at fault here as she is.

Your SIL sounds difficult, but you sound like a terrible snob who is great over-invested in someone else's marriage.

she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night

Your BIL was 29 years old and happily had sex with a random woman he'd only just met and didn't use a condom. Forgive me if I don't think your SIL is the only problem here.

The fact that you even know your BIL was still a virgin at 29 is really fucking weird, by the way.

I would stop paying the school fees. In fact, I wouldn't have paid then in the first place. It's their fault as parents of they have to change schools. IMO, she shouldn't be spending money like that when she owes so much to someone else. She's not even trying to make it right.

This thread very clearly illustrates how posters will always have a pop at the OP no matter which side of the argument they are on. I swear they do it for shits and giggles.

Just imagine if the SIL had come on here....

"So I met a great guy but I was already pregnant. I shagged him the same night I met him and then told him he was the dad so he'd marry me. Then luckily got knocked up by him for real so he had stay with me. I'm over spending on his card and have had to lend money off family to pay for dc school bills but it's fine because I get to go on spa days and treat my friends. Aibu?"

She would absolutely have her arse handed to her. Yet people are having a go at the OP for what, not being overjoyed to have such a gold digging liar in the family? Absolutely bizarre.

If either she or the BIL had posted on here they would have got much worse. Nobody comes out of this well.

People are addressing the OP because she's the one reading the replies. It's not rocket science.

Sorry this makes no sense to me.
I have a DD in private school.

1. Are you saying you gave them the money to pay the fees up front?

2. Or are you paying the fees on a term basis?

Scenario 1 means you lost all leverage and can do eff all about the SIL being a frivolous idiot.

58k kitchen! Now that would have paid a lot of school fees!

@MeowCatPleaseMeowBack people are being contrary because that's how MN is. And no matter that the OP says you always get someone who will argue or stick the boot in. It's depressing.

Surely nobody can actually believe op is unreasonable to be pissed off at having someone like this in the family? But people are falling over themselves to mock her, make sarcastic comments and suggest she secretly fancies her BIL.

There are some real twats on here sometimes.