My MIL travelled 4K to impose on us while we were in hospital with our LO

[YourLivelyLemonHelper]

My partner and I have been together for almost a decade and we met abroad, in a city where we have lived for 20 years almost. Both of our parents live abroad and we only had superficial relationships with our respective parents because their English isn't good. This changed when we started ttc, when my boyfriend had to tell his mom because we were getting some hospital tests and she was so nosy that he could not avoid telling her . From that moment onwards she decided I had to be closer to her and she started being very intrusive, which only got worse after we bought a house together where when she comes visits she behaves if she owns the place and disregards my wishes, and it got even worse after our little one was born.
she does what she wants and if she believes that I will not be happy with something that she does she just ignores me, doesn't ask for my opinion and then apologizes after the fact, and this has been going on for the past two years.
Last month my LO was in hospital with a bad infection, we ended up staying for two weeks stop we clearly asked our parents not to come and visit us because they couldn't help, would need managing because they're not independent when they're visiting and simply we did not want to divert our attention from our daughter.
My MIL completed disregarded and flew over because she wanted to feel useful. She did not even bother asking me. When she came, my bf he had to of course to find things for her to do and did dare telling her to just go back to her country the day she arrived. So this pit lots of strain on our relationship , on top of the massive stress of having our LO getting worse in hospital. s Of course she didn't do anything my friends couldn't have done and she ended up leaving after a week while we were still in hospital. She never saw our LO because we were in isolation due to another infection.
Now, I was and still am furious she's do something like this at such a critical time. I don't trust that she will ever be able to respect boundaries and I'm so done with her. I am planning to tell her that I will never trust her with our LO because she will never respect our rules and that from now on I will only have a formal relationship with her and no longer want to deal with her directly. From my point of view she is no longer welcome here because she completely disrespected both of us, but of course I can't prevent her from coming because it's still my boyfriend's mother. I'm planning to not.acnnkleledge her if she insists on still coming to visit.
AIBU for being so crossed and not wanting to deal with her anymore?

I understand. What a stressful time with your baby
, and her coming over to be a nuisance during a time your little family unit are struggling and vulnerable.

Having said that, this was only last month. Give yourself space and time, and your boyfriend too. In another month or two things will look clearer, you’ll both be able to communicate with each other productively, and you can come up with a solution together on how to manage the relationship with his mum.

Your anger and reaction at the moment are perfectly valid and reasonable. Just give yourself space (the same space she didn’t give you!) to respond to it. And focus on your little one as you said.

Hope your little one recovers fully soon and you and your boyfriend emotionally recover as well. Take a break over Christmas and don’t get drawn into any drama.

You don't need to say any of that you just don't need to entertain or escort her when she arrives. If she's grown up enough to fly over she's grown up enough to sort her accomodation and own entertainment.

It sounds like you barely see each other anyway so no need to sever all family ties.

The only actual example you've given us is a grandparent who jumped on a flight to support their child and grandchild in a time of need. I think you'd need to give more examples of an actual issue to get a fair response, as up to now you just mention a superficial relationship because their English is not good.....I mean WTF.

For me the more concerning thing here is that you have not tried to know your respective in-laws closer. Language barrier is no problem, you can learn the language on a basic communicative level if you want to, it's not difficult (me and my DH are in this situation and we visit our respective families every single year. And we have very good relations, nevermind the language barrier). Grandma probably just wanted to feel useful in this dreadful time, maybe she just wanted to help and be close. What I can see here are just enormous cultural differences that neither side wants to acknowledge, accept or work on. MIL coming and 'changing' things or trying to do things in her way is completely normal in many cultures. Why don't you find out about your husband's family and the culture and find some positive things in it? Both sides must compromise and be more positive about the relationship. Besides, your partner 'hiding' you as his partner untill he couldn't hide you anymore, screams all red flags to me.

Well quite.

This post makes no sense. You have superficial relationships because their English isn't good? They brought you up you must speak the same languages?

They obviously wanted to help as misguided as thst might be

Another example is her coming to visit and only cooking food for my boyfriend which I can't eat, or coming when we just moved in the new place and telling the painter what to paint against my wishes.
But yes, I never put too much effort getting close to her as she is similar to my dad (can't sit still and always needs to do stuff or they are bored ) , and she's 4000km away. Also, my parents had very formal relationships with their in-laws and that's what I know and where I'm coming from.

My partner and I are from different countries, and our parents didn't study English in school but we did

Why on earth did your bf find activities for her to do? Bonkers. Why didn’t he just tell her that if she wanted to support you all, the best idea would be to go home? Did him finding her stuff to do involve him being away from you and your child? She would not have found me willing to entertain her. Seems batshit that he’s done this. Just tell her you’re busy!

So you have a bf issue not an inlaw issue?

They don't seem to be doing much wrong tbh

How can they tell a painter what to do if they cant speak English?

she does sound like she can be hard work but not necessarily in a nasty way. I can see how it might be exhausting.

But it does sound like you are being overly hostile towards her. Interfering, likes to be busy, strong character, little English… sounds a lot like a typical mammy to me 😂

I do sympathise with you on boundaries, I think a lot of people have issues with parents respecting boundaries but it doesn’t make them awful people necessarily

She’s 4000 miles away, I would put up with her when she’s there and enjoy the time she isn’t! It can’t be too often she comes over surely?

I don't understand why neither you nor your boyfriend are able to communicate with any of your respective parents.

I also don't understand why you're upset that your boyfriend's mum came four thousand miles when his child was seriously ill. That's kind of her.

You clearly don't like her but I'm not sure why.

Hand the relationship over to your partner and if he insists on her visiting and staying, absent yourself for that period.

This is a partner problem so you need to deal with him first.

Bf found the painter.... And yes, I may have a bf issue I know he feels bad for her and she doesn't listen to him anyways!

She cooked her child a meal he likes,that presumably he doesn't normally eat because you can't - I'm not particularly seeing an issue here either. Other than the fact if she was cooking she should have made something else for you.

Especially since we work and she's in the kitchen when we come back, I never get a chance to even make myself anything

The OP does explain why! I would really hate someone doing stuff they knew I wouldn’t be happy about and not asking what I actually want or need, for example. OP, YANBU. If you felt like they could have been helpful, I’m sure you or your partner would have invited them.

You have a DP issue. He needs to find his backbone and say no to her.

It was OUR 10mo child who was seriously ill, her grandchild! Whom she couldn't aee because we were in isolation, she only got worse for 10 days and had 4 surgeries and continuous intravenous drugs, I wanted to focus on our child rather than finding a way for my MIL to feel useful. Also I didn't want to catch any potential bugs she could catch on the plane from her, as our child was already so sick.

Was she begging to see her grandchild when she knew she couldn’t? Was she being nasty? Or was she’s trying to support you in a way she could? My MIL came over when my child was seriously unwell and cleaned our house, did shopping for us etc so we were able to focus on our child more.

im not saying this was the case, but if her communication isn’t great with you maybe she knew she couldn’t see your DD anyway and was concerned about making it easier for you?

I think its perfectly valid to say she can't stay at your house. She can travel and stay in a hotel or airbnb.

Too much stress in your house with a little one.

I think you are taking offence when probably none is intended.

I'm sorry your child as been so ill.

She did ask when she first came but thankfully backed off.
As we lived in the hospital for 2 weeks and it's just us, there wasn't much help we needed before we got back home,.but she left before we did... So all she did some food shopping of things we didn't need and after a week returned home .
If anything we'd have needed grandparents after the hospital ordeal!!

Good advice above OP.

Why are you so intent on seeing offence where none is probably intended? You might find it easier to deal with her if you give the benefit of the doubt and look at her intent over her actions.

And your using your parents’ lack of English as a reason for the relationship being distant paints both you and your boyfriend in a bad light. It seems like you think you’re better than them in some way just because you had the opportunity to learn English in school?!

I’m sorry for what you went through with your baby - that sounds really stressful. But it’s not your MIL’s fault, and she wasn’t to know baby would be so unwell. I bet she is kicking herself at the poor timing of her expensive visit also.