My MIL travelled 4K to impose on us while we were in hospital with our LO

[YourLivelyLemonHelper]

My partner and I have been together for almost a decade and we met abroad, in a city where we have lived for 20 years almost. Both of our parents live abroad and we only had superficial relationships with our respective parents because their English isn't good. This changed when we started ttc, when my boyfriend had to tell his mom because we were getting some hospital tests and she was so nosy that he could not avoid telling her . From that moment onwards she decided I had to be closer to her and she started being very intrusive, which only got worse after we bought a house together where when she comes visits she behaves if she owns the place and disregards my wishes, and it got even worse after our little one was born.
she does what she wants and if she believes that I will not be happy with something that she does she just ignores me, doesn't ask for my opinion and then apologizes after the fact, and this has been going on for the past two years.
Last month my LO was in hospital with a bad infection, we ended up staying for two weeks stop we clearly asked our parents not to come and visit us because they couldn't help, would need managing because they're not independent when they're visiting and simply we did not want to divert our attention from our daughter.
My MIL completed disregarded and flew over because she wanted to feel useful. She did not even bother asking me. When she came, my bf he had to of course to find things for her to do and did dare telling her to just go back to her country the day she arrived. So this pit lots of strain on our relationship , on top of the massive stress of having our LO getting worse in hospital. s Of course she didn't do anything my friends couldn't have done and she ended up leaving after a week while we were still in hospital. She never saw our LO because we were in isolation due to another infection.
Now, I was and still am furious she's do something like this at such a critical time. I don't trust that she will ever be able to respect boundaries and I'm so done with her. I am planning to tell her that I will never trust her with our LO because she will never respect our rules and that from now on I will only have a formal relationship with her and no longer want to deal with her directly. From my point of view she is no longer welcome here because she completely disrespected both of us, but of course I can't prevent her from coming because it's still my boyfriend's mother. I'm planning to not.acnnkleledge her if she insists on still coming to visit.
AIBU for being so crossed and not wanting to deal with her anymore?

Does this explain why I'm not comfortable with her and don't want a close relationship with her??

Nope.

One last cringy example: when we were TTC by bf's ended up telling her we were doing some tests to check everything worked. He had to tell her because she overheard him booking a doctor's appointment and wouldn't stop asking about it.
Now, if this is not a private couples matter I'm not sure what is.
HOWEVER, she promptly started interrogating me on all my history, periods, cramps, pill, tests and started looking for better specialists she thought we should see.
My bf also got tested, got some ok results and decided we were happy with them . She wouldn't stop asking him what his results were , and once she saw them she BOOKED HIM IN with a specialist. Against his will, without asking me. He complained but then went along as that's what he's done all his life to keep peace with her.
Does this explain why I'm not comfortable with her and don't want a close relationship with her??

We would have loved someone to help us like this in the 5 years we were ttc

I feel sorry for your MIL. Based on what you’ve shared, nothing in your posts so far seems to justify the level of hostility and irritation you feel towards her. On the contrary, you come across as rigid, wound up and unpleasant.

Why don't you just communicate with your mum in your mother tongue and your bf communicates with his mum in his? I don't understand why lack of English is an issue. She also was obviously very worried hence flying at short notice. She's trying to help so perhaps the better option is to guide her in how she can help effectively and to be clear about not cooking with garlic

I'm a private , shy person who spent years in therapy. When someone invades my privacy like that I freak out and retreat.
Also, she did not help, we knew what we were doing and were both just extremely uncomfortable.

I'm recovering from PPD, I have needed to be comfortable in our home since our LO was born and never managed as it's been a continuous stream of relatives coming to visit and staying with us / my MIL above all. I never managed to have the routine I needed to regain balance.
That's why I'm trying to get that peace now, even if I come across as cold and rigid. My bf supports it.

Wow,, completely racist. Absolutely shocking, criticising and judging someone's English.

I know, you are right, He's with me on this but he's always in the middle and is unhappy about it.

That poor woman. She makes one well meaning mistake and immediately gets told her DIL will "never trust her" with her grandchild again. Wow.

You're bang out of order OP and you know it

I agree with one of the earlier posters who said you've had a traumatic time. And your MIL is not a hill to die on. Don't say anything now - cherish your little one.

It does sound as your MIL can't right for doing wrong. She may be overbearing but she is in another country. Is she really that bad? Cooking your BF his favourite meals, doing a bit of shopping. She went home when you told her.

I do feel a bit sorry for your BF - he clearly confides in her - did she really overhear him making the hospital appointment or did he tell her? If he didn't want her to know, she wouldn't have known. Who told her your LO was ill and in hospital? I'm assuming it was him.

Don't become the woman you have built up tin your head to hate.

I think the OP is getting a very hard time on this thread. If she specifically asked her MIL not to come, what part of travelling uninvited 4,000 miles is the MIL selflessly trying to help? She sounds like a PITA. If she doesn’t respect boundaries, tries to dictate what colour the OP has her own house painted, and generally disregards the feelings of the OP and her BF by asking unbelievably intrusive questions about a deeply private matter that was no doubt also stressful, I can quite see that the OP wants to keep her MIL at arm’s length - and justifiably so. A MIL can’t simply rock up when she thinks she will and try to take over - she has to respect that in her DIL’s house, it’s DIL’s rules - and she can’t be surprised if, having ridden roughshod over requests, she is not exactly welcomed with open arms.

*Mum

I only mentioned it because the OP said that her MIL's English was poor.

You don't sound very nice really. You don't sound as if you make any effort at all jyst because your parents weren't close to their in-laws. Odd.

You think acting like the house is her own, ignoring the OPs requests or ways of doing things, explicitly ignoring the request to NOT come over during the period dc was ill and coming over anyway, redirecting a decorator to paint their place the way she wanted it and not actually helping at all in any way other than to buy some food no one wanted is all a good thing???

You are upset and over reacting. Your child was ill and you wanted to comfort her. Your MIL's child was scared and 4000 miles away -she wanted to comfort her child as much as you wanted to comfort yours. I think you are being unfair to your MIL and to your boyfriend. Perhaps he felt better just having her near? One day, perhaps you would do the same for your child if she were 4000 miles away and sounded scared on the phone.

Why are you saying this? It was a perfectly normal answer to a weird question.

@TheShellBeach

Agreed.
And the OP's English isn't great, anyway.
🤣
So now you are criticising someone's English who is not English.
Wow. You just get worse and worse. The irony escapes you doesn't it

@TheShellBeach wow. How many languages do you speak and write in perfectly?

If you tell your mil that you'll sound like an hysterical drama queen. Which quite frankly you are.

I understand you've had ppd and the absolute horror of a sick baby - I've have both myself. But you need to pull your head out your arsehole.

i agree with this

You seem totally self absorbed

Its her son and grandchild shes here to support and if you let her in she will support you too.

I will certainly keep her at arms length when she visits again and set clear boundaries: they're there because her behaviour makes me uncomfortable, cultural differences go both ways.

You just seem determined to not like her. Why are you certainly keeping her at arms length?
You need to understand that there is a balance, you might want to keep her at arms length and have a formal relationship but to your partner it’s his mother, it’s not reasonable to put your restrictions on his relationship with her.

But if you are extremely shy and anxious to the point of needing therapy, come from a family that is quite formal, and you had post partum depression, AND a sick child to boot, can you see how that might profoundly colour your view of your MIL?

Your personality or your family history etc are not the MIL’s fault or problem necessarily. We have to meet people in our lives half way sometimes. Especially those who might be important. So what to the MIL might be concern and friendliness might make you anxious, but unless you have explicitly said to the MIL that you are anxious and what triggers it (unlikely given the language barrier) then how is she to know some of this?

I agree with this. You're treating her lime a stranger, not the mother of your partner and grandmother to your child. I feel very sorry for her. Let her in.