My MIL travelled 4K to impose on us while we were in hospital with our LO

[YourLivelyLemonHelper]

My partner and I have been together for almost a decade and we met abroad, in a city where we have lived for 20 years almost. Both of our parents live abroad and we only had superficial relationships with our respective parents because their English isn't good. This changed when we started ttc, when my boyfriend had to tell his mom because we were getting some hospital tests and she was so nosy that he could not avoid telling her . From that moment onwards she decided I had to be closer to her and she started being very intrusive, which only got worse after we bought a house together where when she comes visits she behaves if she owns the place and disregards my wishes, and it got even worse after our little one was born.
she does what she wants and if she believes that I will not be happy with something that she does she just ignores me, doesn't ask for my opinion and then apologizes after the fact, and this has been going on for the past two years.
Last month my LO was in hospital with a bad infection, we ended up staying for two weeks stop we clearly asked our parents not to come and visit us because they couldn't help, would need managing because they're not independent when they're visiting and simply we did not want to divert our attention from our daughter.
My MIL completed disregarded and flew over because she wanted to feel useful. She did not even bother asking me. When she came, my bf he had to of course to find things for her to do and did dare telling her to just go back to her country the day she arrived. So this pit lots of strain on our relationship , on top of the massive stress of having our LO getting worse in hospital. s Of course she didn't do anything my friends couldn't have done and she ended up leaving after a week while we were still in hospital. She never saw our LO because we were in isolation due to another infection.
Now, I was and still am furious she's do something like this at such a critical time. I don't trust that she will ever be able to respect boundaries and I'm so done with her. I am planning to tell her that I will never trust her with our LO because she will never respect our rules and that from now on I will only have a formal relationship with her and no longer want to deal with her directly. From my point of view she is no longer welcome here because she completely disrespected both of us, but of course I can't prevent her from coming because it's still my boyfriend's mother. I'm planning to not.acnnkleledge her if she insists on still coming to visit.
AIBU for being so crossed and not wanting to deal with her anymore?

No, she interfered with her sleeping (we were sleep training our LO and if she was with the baby and the baby fell sleep on her she would not tell us and let her nap there, when we were painfully trying to get her to nap in her cot and we're told by a consultant consistency is the key) and weaning (we did BLW and she disagreed so when we were over she would volunteer to 'make food for her" , we'd tell her what we had planned but she would only make purees ).
We're also atheist and want to raise our child that way, but she's super religious and she keeps trying to convert me every time. I have very strong feelings about this as I was raised catholic. I would not trust her not to do the same to my daughter if we're not around.

Oh she knows! She's explicitly said she wants our relationship to change and want us to be close now, after all these years of superficial chat, and I told her I need that to be gradual, but she replied I have to accept her as she is instead.
It takes me years to trust people and make friends (and I have several eh, but we build the friendship over time) and her forcing her views and ways while often ignoring me when she knows id disagree with her does not help.

He knows she can come any time, but he'll need to deal with her and keep her entertained, which has often fallen on me in the last as I was off on mat leave when she visited and he kept working.
I will keep her at arms length, he can do what he wants, though he's mad at his mum as well right now!
I am not sure where people are from in this thread, but here in the UK I know plenty of people (neighbours, friends, even our nanny) who aren't close to their in-laws , don't mingle with them unless necessary or even barely talk to them.
I'm not sure why I should be any different and let her in when she undermines me, given I'm not comfortable with it?

Barely knowing the other grandparent, keeping them at arm's length and treating them as the enemy is not healthy. It doesn't matter what other people do.
So what you are saying is this: SHE has to accept you as you are, you will make no compromise for the fact that she's more outgoing and friendly, but you will not accept that her communication style is different. So any relationship must be on your terms, right?

Again the fact that it takes YOU years to build relationships and trust people is not her burden to carry right? And presumably you would have thoroughly enjoyed the superficial chat then?! But also after years of that superficiality perhaps she (and many of us on this thread) feel that she could be cut some slack.

You seem to have a very rigid way of thinking about how should be, because other people are like that, and because your personality is your personality. This is not how friendships and relationships typically work so I can understand why your MIL might be slightly baffled by your rigidity.

I have great sympathy for the stress of being in hospital with a child, been there, done that.

That being said, the problem here is you.
She is family and yet you treat her like a stranger rather than your child's grandmother.

It feels like your issues around 'privacy', friendship, lack of trust etc are creating a very difficult atmosphere.

We had a cordial and distant relationship for 6 years and she was fine with my way of being, she decided she wanted it to change , why should I accept her terms and she shouldn't accept mine?!

Tough, her son chose me anyways and she's his only relative with an issue around that, so I don't feel like it's a "me" problem.

Mmmmm. It sounds as though you wish to separate your husband from his mother and your child from their grandmother. It might give you some perspective to imagine if you had a son, who married a woman who tried to keep you away from your own child abd their child, your grandchild. Personally I'd hate that, and would try to be a bit accommodating where personalities clash. That's what having a family is about.

What s LO ?

If the caring means massively over-stepping, the OP isn't lucky. MIL was asked not to come but ignored the request and came anyway.

And did someone speak to you like that when you had PPD and a sick baby?

You're being horrible.

She’s trying to build a closer bond with you. You’re forever linked since the baby was born. You had a child with her child.
All this talk about boundaries and accepting her terms isn’t helpful.
It is fine that you’re both very different but you know you were different when you linked your lives together by having a son.
I wonder if the language and cultural differences are causing a further issue in the relationship.
This is the mother of your baby’s father, somehow you have to navigate this. Nothing you’ve said it overwhelming terrible. It’s fine that she’s not your sort of person but can you try to foster some sort of relationship or connection with her?

Hope your child is better. I’m not this situation with your mil will ever resolve. She’s a mama bear towards her only son - this is how she has survived and allowed him to thrive. I bet the expectation of taking a step back to you has been tough for her. I also suspect that you have never been good enough for him and you have sensed that, hence the ‘superficial’ relationship you have with her. But equally you do come across as quite a high maintenance person so the combination of your personalities is a too much. She probably did have good intentions to help when she flew over but the reality was she couldn’t cope of being a helper in a foreign country - some people can cope and be effective, but she couldn’t. I actually do think she needs to bend to your requests. If your son asks for that understanding, she will probably try, but only in her way as that’s all she can manage. This is where your response is critical to the future of your relationship. If your expectation is absolute compliance straight away then you are likely to be angered as she can’t manage that. But if you are patient and forgiving of some (but not all) crazy things she does, you may be able to create a relationship. It will take time but I sense you don’t have the tolerance for any of her attempts. Therefore I predict your relationship with her will completely break down. It depends on how prepared you are to escalate and live with that conflict and how it then affects your relationship with your boyfriend. Good luck.

i have a somewhat similar situation OP. we live in a different country, both set of in laws ability to actually help is very limited (no English) and my MIL has been extremely intrusive when we first moved house (critising my choice of nursery colours, sofa etc) and especially postpartum. As a result our relationship was rocky for a couple years and i continue to hold boundaries. However, the willingness to help - even if it feels intrusive - is wonderful and natural. She wanted to be there for her child and his family. While I fully understand the importance of boundaries and communicating when needed that in your house your choice will be respected, telling someone off for rushing to help is not a good choice. You will continue to be triggered by her, just as i am by my MIL, but be kind (and clear) in your comms.
Also something I realised with surprise, it is important to my very young son that he has more family, even far away, that love him. Don’t deprive yours of that or be a source of tension.

Hope your little one is feeling better, what a stressful situation.

Talk to her with dp present and explain how you feel!

What are these replies? She was told not to come by both parents, did anyway and overstepped in other ways too. Just because someone is a mother it doesn't give them the right to just do whatever they please, especially at such a difficult time.

Little one

She's a difficult old lady whose son has moved away. She's never going to be easy. But try and keep a relationship going....that would be my advice. Even if through gritted teeth at times or if you 'suddenly' have to visit a friend while she's visiting...

*MOM

I'm Canadian.

When they've been told that they would not help but hinder. .
That's not support, that's twattery.

I think people on this thread are being really horrible to you.
Do I think you are difficult? Yes. But so am I 😆

I am really sorry your child is unwell and hope she’s feeling better and you get to enjoy the holidays.

If I were you I’d be really annoyed as well. I am someone who grew up in a very loving family but where respect is the most important currency. So we respect each others boundaries, wishes, decisions with no questions asked. My husband’s family is different and they are all up in each other’s business which can be suffocating. (Luckily we only share what we want to as they also live on another continent).

I also know what you mean by “shallow” relationship and I fear you might not be expressing yourself right so it’s misleading some people. My husband and I are from different countries but luckily we speak the same language and despite the fact that we can communicate just fine with our respective families we still aren’t very close which is normal considering we see each other once a year if that. And just like you they showed no interested in my life until I had a child lol
There’s also the culture, which some people might be missing here, in some cultures it’s the norm to have a more formal relationship with your in laws. It’s not the very warm friendly relationship that a lot of people expect here. Just different dynamics.

Im lucky that both our families know what I’m like, in the sense that I am particular in how I raise my son, and they can also see I am doing an amazing job as he’s thriving so they follow what I say. I make sure that I am very clear with my asks but also that they can have a good time with their grandchild. If I have to be away and they are with him I call a couple of times, check in, and gently ask whether he’s done this or that.

In your situation, since she just jumped on a flight, while her intentions were noble it’s stressful to have to think of someone else when you know they don’t speak the language where you are and will need help getting around, etc. I would have a heart to heart with your boyfriend, making sure you highlight how you understand it’s important for the grandma to have a relationship with her grandchild and that she’s around, however you need him to kindly put some boundaries which include checking in with you guys before she books a flight, and ensuring she’s willing to follow your wishes as parents when she’s with her so you can truly let them build a relationship. It’s his job to do this, not yours.