My MIL travelled 4K to impose on us while we were in hospital with our LO

[YourLivelyLemonHelper]

My partner and I have been together for almost a decade and we met abroad, in a city where we have lived for 20 years almost. Both of our parents live abroad and we only had superficial relationships with our respective parents because their English isn't good. This changed when we started ttc, when my boyfriend had to tell his mom because we were getting some hospital tests and she was so nosy that he could not avoid telling her . From that moment onwards she decided I had to be closer to her and she started being very intrusive, which only got worse after we bought a house together where when she comes visits she behaves if she owns the place and disregards my wishes, and it got even worse after our little one was born.
she does what she wants and if she believes that I will not be happy with something that she does she just ignores me, doesn't ask for my opinion and then apologizes after the fact, and this has been going on for the past two years.
Last month my LO was in hospital with a bad infection, we ended up staying for two weeks stop we clearly asked our parents not to come and visit us because they couldn't help, would need managing because they're not independent when they're visiting and simply we did not want to divert our attention from our daughter.
My MIL completed disregarded and flew over because she wanted to feel useful. She did not even bother asking me. When she came, my bf he had to of course to find things for her to do and did dare telling her to just go back to her country the day she arrived. So this pit lots of strain on our relationship , on top of the massive stress of having our LO getting worse in hospital. s Of course she didn't do anything my friends couldn't have done and she ended up leaving after a week while we were still in hospital. She never saw our LO because we were in isolation due to another infection.
Now, I was and still am furious she's do something like this at such a critical time. I don't trust that she will ever be able to respect boundaries and I'm so done with her. I am planning to tell her that I will never trust her with our LO because she will never respect our rules and that from now on I will only have a formal relationship with her and no longer want to deal with her directly. From my point of view she is no longer welcome here because she completely disrespected both of us, but of course I can't prevent her from coming because it's still my boyfriend's mother. I'm planning to not.acnnkleledge her if she insists on still coming to visit.
AIBU for being so crossed and not wanting to deal with her anymore?

That's fair, had we needed help I would have had my mum over too. she offered but we literally needed nothing: we didn't know when we'd be out of and had a room in a parents "residence" with access to kitchen and laundry , and there was a supermarket next door.

@Halliieee, this is MN, it involves a MIL, it’s her DIL that’s posted this.

So boundaries and rules we set in our family shouldn't matter to her?

No my parents did

You're not related because you're not married.

Is that why you despise your boyfriend's mother?

The paint thing was rude and annoying. The rest? I don’t really see the issue beyond the fact you don’t like her and “setting boundaries” is just a method of control.

I've been there with a sick kid in hospital (and it was for quite a long time). One set of grandparents didn't visit even though they were only 45m away. That's a lot worse than sparks hoping straight on a plane so they can provide support if needed. Ok, you didn't, but your husbamd/partner may have found comfort in having her near, especially when things were really rough. She was being family.

I think you're angry here because of what happened to your little one, and it's coming out at your MIL instead.

You do sound quite hard to please. Isn’t it natural they your parents and in laws want to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives.

Oh no don't get me wrong, I would have never asked for help now, but had she asked us before deciding what we needed we would have told her that , if anything, she should have waited until we got back home...

I am indeed and it is reasonable for them to be involved (though they haven't been involved in our lives for about a decade), but how do we go about setting boundaries ? If she wouldn't respect us at a horrible time like this, when will she ever?

I mean, my house/baby my rules.... We do follow hers when we visit her!!!

FFS she was trying to be supportive!!

I am, I know, but there's also a time and a place for that, and it's really not when we're in the midst of a medical emergency. She's not from here and needed coordinating and being told what to do.
image didn't actually help us and left because we didn't know how long we'd be in for.

OP - you don’t sound like a nice person.

From what you’ve said you think In Laws relationship is supposed to be formal. Your MIL travelled 4000 miles and wasn’t even allowed to see her sick grandchild?

Wow. Some people would give a lot to have that kind of support.

Oh not at all, that's meaningless, she's a single parent and I wouldn't expect it.
what I hate is that she completely disregards my wishes because she thinks she knows best.
And generally , her behaviour and saviour complex (my bf words) just grind my gears

My 10mo LO was in isolation because she was sick and infective, she wasn't allowed visitors or to leave the room.
On top of that, my MIL travelled by plane without a face mask and we couldn't have risked her passing on any potential sickness to my child. Doctors order, that's not me being difficult.
Had my MIL asked before jumping on a plane we would have warned her.

No you can't stop her coming but you CAN tell bf that due to her behaviour she will no longer stay at your home - if she visits going forward, tell bf she needs to book a hotel or airbnb

Oh not at all, that's meaningless, she's a single parent and I wouldn't expect it

What. The. Fuck.

Weird effect of pregnancy, I just can't eat any more garlic or sour food, it makes me gag and I can't taste anything else, i thought it'd go away but it's still there!

I am sorry that your little one was so ill, that must have been very stressful for you. But it is absolutely normal for grandparents to drop everything and come when a grandchild is sick enough to be in hospital. It's a normal human response.

This is really weird.

You do understand this woman is your partner’s actual mum? As in birthed him, was his primary relationship? He does not have a shallow relationship with her.

You are being a dick. It’s understandable - you are in a huge amount of distress about your child and you are looking to turn it into anger. But don’t go fucking up your inter-family relationships where you don’t need to.

I was asked if I despised her for that, and I don't, she's spent so much money for my bf s education I would not expect her to also contribute to our house deposit just because my parents wanted to, she already spent her savings to help him study while his dad didn't!!

The first thing I think you need to do is to stop sharing so much information with the family.
If they don't know about the issues you're having or that your child is unwell (I do hope that they are on the mend and that you'll have a lovely Christmas time), they can't have the knowledge to know to travel to you to be a pain in the arse.
Put them on an information diet.
Also, if they do show up, particularly showing up unannounced and uninvited, ask them where their hotel/b&b is so that you can bring their luggage to this location as they aren't able to stay with you.

They key to this though is that you're not sharing you or your kids information with them. It will feel a bit strange doing this to begin with but it gets easier!

Her grandchild was in hospital she was worried. Yabu