My MIL travelled 4K to impose on us while we were in hospital with our LO

[YourLivelyLemonHelper]

My partner and I have been together for almost a decade and we met abroad, in a city where we have lived for 20 years almost. Both of our parents live abroad and we only had superficial relationships with our respective parents because their English isn't good. This changed when we started ttc, when my boyfriend had to tell his mom because we were getting some hospital tests and she was so nosy that he could not avoid telling her . From that moment onwards she decided I had to be closer to her and she started being very intrusive, which only got worse after we bought a house together where when she comes visits she behaves if she owns the place and disregards my wishes, and it got even worse after our little one was born.
she does what she wants and if she believes that I will not be happy with something that she does she just ignores me, doesn't ask for my opinion and then apologizes after the fact, and this has been going on for the past two years.
Last month my LO was in hospital with a bad infection, we ended up staying for two weeks stop we clearly asked our parents not to come and visit us because they couldn't help, would need managing because they're not independent when they're visiting and simply we did not want to divert our attention from our daughter.
My MIL completed disregarded and flew over because she wanted to feel useful. She did not even bother asking me. When she came, my bf he had to of course to find things for her to do and did dare telling her to just go back to her country the day she arrived. So this pit lots of strain on our relationship , on top of the massive stress of having our LO getting worse in hospital. s Of course she didn't do anything my friends couldn't have done and she ended up leaving after a week while we were still in hospital. She never saw our LO because we were in isolation due to another infection.
Now, I was and still am furious she's do something like this at such a critical time. I don't trust that she will ever be able to respect boundaries and I'm so done with her. I am planning to tell her that I will never trust her with our LO because she will never respect our rules and that from now on I will only have a formal relationship with her and no longer want to deal with her directly. From my point of view she is no longer welcome here because she completely disrespected both of us, but of course I can't prevent her from coming because it's still my boyfriend's mother. I'm planning to not.acnnkleledge her if she insists on still coming to visit.
AIBU for being so crossed and not wanting to deal with her anymore?

If your child was very ill in hospital, would you want someone you don't know and don't really trust, to be in your home whilst you couldn't keep an eye on her, thereby adding to your stress?

I wouldn't

I'm sorry you have had such a stressful time, OP, and hope your child is recovering and you have a peaceful Christmas.

One of the first posters made the wise point that now was probably a good time to have a pause; a time to recover and reflect before any over-the-top reaction. i agree.

I think it's also important to remember that your child is not an object you own. She is her own person, with her own place in these 2 families; her own right to these relationships. It would be a shame to deprive her of these in the future, simply due to friction from differing cultural expectations.

I'm sorry for your little one....

but you sound thoroughly unpleasant and come across as being discriminatory (actually to the point of being racist) because of different culture and lack of shared language.

A difference in culture can be a shock and it seems you are looking for any issue that you can.

MIL suggesting a different paint colour is just a mother giving her son her opinion; a mother just cooking her son his favourite meal (even my MIL will cook dishes I don't eat but her son loves because she knows I will never cook it; not a big deal, I just make my own); flying over even when asked not to- sometimes parents just feel that they need to be around to support even though you've said- you should have just left her to it).

Visiting monthly long-haul? Is this correct? Who is paying for this travel?

I am guessing one partner has Pakistani heritage and the other Eastern European?

4000km, we have ryanair in Europe, it's cheap

Both europeans

This. I can't see what she did wrong and you sound very cold and self obsessed

Is it not your partners’s home and baby too?!
What has she done to break your rules? I can’t see any examples minus the paint thing which I agree was rude and irritating.

Thank you, you and some previous kind posters are very right, it's time to recover from a horribly traumatic month (I was also made redundant while in hospital) and let this pass. I am so glad so many people took the time to share their point of view even if very different, it helped putting things into perspective.
It is true, I am probably overreacting due to the immense stress we experienced, as our LO was really in a bad place. I also know I'm not an easy person, but this is not the place to explain why I don't let many people close.
I don't feel like an AH for feeling the way I did and do, but I would have if I alienated my MIL via text .
I will certainly keep her at arms length when she visits again and set clear boundaries: they're there because her behaviour makes me uncomfortable, cultural differences go both ways.
And for the record, she's the only person in my bf's whole family I can't deal with, I have a very good cordial relationship with everyone else, the problem is her personality not her cultural background!

it's my third language....

She raised your boyfriend as a single mom and used all her savings on his education? She sounds like an amazing Mom.

One last cringy example: when we were TTC by bf's ended up telling her we were doing some tests to check everything worked. He had to tell her because she overheard him booking a doctor's appointment and wouldn't stop asking about it.
Now, if this is not a private couples matter I'm not sure what is.
HOWEVER, she promptly started interrogating me on all my history, periods, cramps, pill, tests and started looking for better specialists she thought we should see.
My bf also got tested, got some ok results and decided we were happy with them . She wouldn't stop asking him what his results were , and once she saw them she BOOKED HIM IN with a specialist. Against his will, without asking me. He complained but then went along as that's what he's done all his life to keep peace with her.
Does this explain why I'm not comfortable with her and don't want a close relationship with her??

It might have been better if your MIL had listened to you while your child was in hospital and not come, as it sounds as if she was more of a hindrance than a help.
Your overall attitude to her is unpleasant though.
You are attributing unpleasant motives to her that are probably not the case. It sounds like she wants to be an involved grandmother and was concerned about you all and would like to help (not IMPOSE herself on you).
One thing your husband could have done differently was not to try to entertain her and find her things to do but just explained your situation and that he was busy at the hospital.
It sounds as if she went home because she felt uncomfortable and realised there wasn't much she could do to help.
It would be good for your child to know her grandparents and learn their languages and, of course your partner's mother would be thinking that her relationship with her grandchild's mother would be closer than a relationship with her son's new girlfriend. Things move on and change.
If this is her first grandchild she's probably excited to spend time with her. It will settle down. If you continue to be so cold she will probably back off, leaving you happy but not anyone else.

Of course, she's been incredibly selfless and allowed him to thrive away from home. I have never argued that and never will.
I don't need to like her as a person though, especially when she doesn't respect my boundaries and makes me feel uncomfortable. I of course follow her rules when we are there, but I don't accept she doesn't follow ours when she's here and disregards our wishes when she's here.

And I should mention my partner and I have medical backgrounds and she doesn't, so this while thing was even more out of line.

You said your parents had a “formal relationship” with their in-laws.
This leads me to believe that you had an issue with your MIL before you even met her.
Walking into any relationship with a chip on your shoulder is bound to create friction.
My in-laws lived 3000 miles away at one point and likewise my own parents also lived 3000 miles away. We looked forward to every visit. We all made allowances for culture and differences.
Getting along is a group effort — it requires cooperation from everybody, not just your MIL.
And honestly, in this situation, you present yourself as far more difficult than you describe her as being.
I hope your baby is all well and back home. A sick baby in hospital is a terrifying and stressful thing.

OP, get off this thread and go and process the ACTUAL ISSUE which is the trauma you are feeling from your DC being in hospital and you being made redundant in that time.

This poor woman is just a lightening rod. I know it is comforting to make it about her but seriously, you need to process what is actually wrong. Don’t try to mess up the inter-personal family dynamics just because you are angry at life.

Is your bf an only child?

You're lucky she cares. Willing to travel so far to be able to help. Maybe let her in and utilise her instead of your friends. Or as well as.

Yes you and previous posters are right, I'll try to get over that before having any xoncerstarions even with my bf, I need a clearer head.

From his mum's side yes, his dad had two other children.

Op, if you don't lighten up a little, you will cause friction with your partner

I'm also wondering if the countries you come from have a slightly different culture.
In some countries extended family is everything and grandmothers are closely involved. In other countries intergenerational boundaries are stronger.
Obviously there's individual variation within a culture but there's a definite tendency.