My MIL travelled 4K to impose on us while we were in hospital with our LO

[YourLivelyLemonHelper]

My partner and I have been together for almost a decade and we met abroad, in a city where we have lived for 20 years almost. Both of our parents live abroad and we only had superficial relationships with our respective parents because their English isn't good. This changed when we started ttc, when my boyfriend had to tell his mom because we were getting some hospital tests and she was so nosy that he could not avoid telling her . From that moment onwards she decided I had to be closer to her and she started being very intrusive, which only got worse after we bought a house together where when she comes visits she behaves if she owns the place and disregards my wishes, and it got even worse after our little one was born.
she does what she wants and if she believes that I will not be happy with something that she does she just ignores me, doesn't ask for my opinion and then apologizes after the fact, and this has been going on for the past two years.
Last month my LO was in hospital with a bad infection, we ended up staying for two weeks stop we clearly asked our parents not to come and visit us because they couldn't help, would need managing because they're not independent when they're visiting and simply we did not want to divert our attention from our daughter.
My MIL completed disregarded and flew over because she wanted to feel useful. She did not even bother asking me. When she came, my bf he had to of course to find things for her to do and did dare telling her to just go back to her country the day she arrived. So this pit lots of strain on our relationship , on top of the massive stress of having our LO getting worse in hospital. s Of course she didn't do anything my friends couldn't have done and she ended up leaving after a week while we were still in hospital. She never saw our LO because we were in isolation due to another infection.
Now, I was and still am furious she's do something like this at such a critical time. I don't trust that she will ever be able to respect boundaries and I'm so done with her. I am planning to tell her that I will never trust her with our LO because she will never respect our rules and that from now on I will only have a formal relationship with her and no longer want to deal with her directly. From my point of view she is no longer welcome here because she completely disrespected both of us, but of course I can't prevent her from coming because it's still my boyfriend's mother. I'm planning to not.acnnkleledge her if she insists on still coming to visit.
AIBU for being so crossed and not wanting to deal with her anymore?

So all she did was some food shopping of things we didn't need, and after a week returned home

My God.
You're so ungrateful.

I don't understand why you hate the poor woman so much. The scorn is just dripping from your posts.

You sound like a nightmare, OP.

From what you say, she didn't even spend a lot of time in your company for you to generate this much resentment! If I was you, I'd try to build bridges because

1/ this is your child's grandparent and your partner's mother
2/ you will never know when you might appreciate her help/support in the future.

Poor woman, travels 4000 miles to help out to be treated with such antagonism.

Did your In-laws contribute any money to buying your house?

Why can't you make something when she is in the kitchen? It would be a good time to try and communicate and understand each other better. She is your bf's mother and your child's grandmother. It would benefit your family to try and form a good relationship with her. I can't see what she has done thit is so dreadful. It sounds as if you just don't like her.

I'm sorry you've had such a dreadful time, but try and form a relationship with her. It sounds as though she wants to help, so give her a chance to do the things you need someone to do.

i feel sorry for your MiL she flew over to support you and her son and was probably worried about her grandchild and was told to go back to her own country.

Sending hugs. It can be so stressful when your child is in hospital and you have no idea what the next day will bring, without other people trying to make demands on you. I TOTALLY understand. For now, take a step back from the drama of your mil, focus on your darling child who made it through the trials and tribulations and is now recovering, and have a quiet, cosy Xmas at home with no stress and no drama. In the new year you can take time to talk things over with your boyfriend and figure out how to place better boundaries. I wish your child a smooth and speedy recovery and I'm sending you energy and healing vibes because I know what it feels like to be stuck in the hospital with a sick child for two weeks x

I'm sorry your lo has been ill and i'm sure it was very stressful. But you're creating drama where there is none.

She lives in another Country. There's really no need for grand declarations about how you will treat her in future. Just put up with her for the short time she's here, she flies home, then enjoy the time she's not here, which presumably is the vast majority of time.

If she lived 20 minutes away then it would be important to place boundaries if she was constantly overstepping but that's not the case at all.

This is definitely not the time to have it out with your MIL, for the sake of your bf if nothing else.

My mum came to stay when my DD was in hospital. It was another person there if anything was needed or to pack a fresh bad for the hospital. She did the laundry, cleaned the house for us and stocked the house with food. I certainly never thought it wasn’t appropriate.

Ok. But neither of you made the slightest effort to learn the other’s language so you can communicate with the in laws? That’s a bit weird.

Also a bit weird that because your parents had a formal relationship with their in laws you have to have one with yours. My mother didn’t mind her in laws, my dad hated my maternal grandparents, I am very close to my in laws (I persuaded them to move in 2018 and then DH and I cared for FIL before he passed away). Now you don’t have to be close but you seem to actively dislike this woman for no actual concrete reasons other than the fact she comes from a different culture and behaves slightly differently.

You are understandably upset OP.

However, it really sounds like some displacement. Your gorgeous baby has been in hospital for two weeks. That’s scary and distressing and stressful and really going to make you so anxious. And I think you have blown this MIL completely out of proportion as a result.

She came to help. She meant well. She was worried about her son and grandchild and probably also you. It would be so hard for anyone to get their behaviour exactly right in that situation. Even harder when she doesn’t know you well and can’t speak the language.

Cut her and yourself some slack. You are angry - but a lot of that is fear and pain about your baby.

She never cared to know me when I was just a "girlfriend" and now she wants to be involved in our lives much more (monthly visits, which were yearly, if at all in the past) while completely ignoring me and my boundaries because we had a child. Had she left it as distant it was, I would have nothing to complain about.

But she was told not to come. She just made things more difficult at a really stressful time for OP and her DP. She shouldn't just override their wishes and turn up without an invitation.

My MIL similar in that she thinks she knows best (even tho my DP will say she was very selfish self centered bad parent)
For example

• wouldn’t “allow” me to pat back of baby while burping (it can turn to child abuse. She said)

-told me my DC had a seizure and she couldn’t look after him alone any more (she said not bad enough to take to hospital …wtf? Must have been lie) -visits from long haul and sends me on endless errands to buy her nail polish remover (doesn’t want mine), special drinks, snacks, cotton buds, etc etc etc -tells me plan a jazz night because I brought a “frock” that’s perfect for jazz (I let her go w her son, no way I was being part of her jazzy cool frock evening)

I started to treat her like a stupid game. Never imposed on her to do anything. Purchased all her little items in advance so she couldn’t boss me around. I booked an older guy neighbor to drive her around one day to get what she needed.
Made my own days super busy with child things she wouldn’t want to do and. You know, the seizure risk.

She’s just super self centered, bossy and the seizure, patting baby & abuse - who wouldn’t think she’s insane? … I don’t even talk to her any more. Let DP do it.

When she visits, I act nice, get her stuff & check-out.

But that’s okay. I knew the in laws a bit when we dated (over 7 years) but I go to know them much better after we married. I mean they do live very far away and don’t speak the language you do….So it’s not surprising that once you guys got married they took a more active interest in you and your life.

Oh no we do have some basic understanding of each others language! Just not enough to have a deep relationship with our in-laws , just a shallow one .

Yes, of course she does. You're the mother of her grandchild and are in a significant relationship with her son. You deserve more attention than a casual relationship would.

I feel you're being unreasonably mean to exclude her from the family.

But you never cared to know her? Now you are in an outwardly committed relationship with her child and share a child with her son.
I don’t get what’s so weird about someone making more of an effort after that?
Anyone who wants to travel a 4,000 mile journey once a month to see her grandchild and her son & partner doesn’t exactly sound like an arsehole.

I can well see that you prefer the relationship to be shallow, OP..................

Exactly.
The OP despises this unfortunate woman.

Out of interest, why can't you eat the food she makes? Vegan, allergies?

She sounds overbearing. And also disrespectful. Overriding your paint colour choice in your own home?! Oh hell no, I would be livid.

I think you need to calm your horses. Due to geography, culture and the language barrier, you hardly know this woman. Yet you're hell bent on projecting on to her the worst possible motives and trying to exclude her from her family. I think you need to step right back and leave your partner to manage the relationship with his mother, keeping out of it as best you can. She isn't your MiL, she's your partners mum and you should not start laying the law down here. Its up to him.

You didn’t want her to come, your BF told her to go home, she eventually did, and now you’re complaining that she isn’t around now that it’s convenient for you?

YABU

You sound like hard work
god forbid a grandmother wants to be nearby if her grandchild is ill