To want DH to stop making these comments

[winterberri]

They feel a bit relentless tbh and they are grinding me down.

’It’s a tip in here’
’This car is like a bin’
’the Kitchen is full of junk’
’theres kids toys everywhere’

It just isn’t helpful. It makes me feel bad and like I’m a slovenly person and I’m really not!

AIBU?

“What are you going to do about it?”

everytime!

When you see him mutter "God, you again?" "Still here then?"

Well, what is he doing about it?

What's stopping him from actively cleaning up himself?

This is exactly what I keep saying but he just carries on. I’ve actually ramped it up a bit and said directly that it’s hurting my feelings and making me upset and he does stop for a bit but then it’s as if he can’t help himself (I know he CAN but that’s how it feels!)

"Clean it then"

YANBU. It is unhelpful.

Tell him that.

Or just agree? ‘Yes, you’re right, dear. Terrible, isn’t it?’

'Don't say it, fix it', on repeat.

Tell him to clean it up if it's bothering him.

'wel why haven't you tidied it then, DP?'

I agree with everyone else who has said that you should say something along the lines of 'Well, what are you going to do about it then?'.

If you can’t change him, then change your reaction to him. It’s not your fault (I assume? I imagine it’s messy because you’re looking after children and potentially working as well and your husband is a lazy bastard who doesn’t think it’s his responsibility) so don’t internalise the ‘criticism’. It’s not your fault or your sole responsibility so don’t let him make you feel it is.

’It’s a tip in here’
’This car is like a bin’
’the Kitchen is full of junk’
’theres kids toys everywhere’

Okay dear, when do you think you will be able to sort it?
Yes it is, it's your turn to clean/tidy though.
It's at least half your fault so why are you moaning instead of dealing with it?

Keep throwing the problem right back at him. He either shuts up or he tidies it himself.

I like the just agreeing with it approach.

I think the problem is it doesn’t matter what response I make he just carries on. I thought telling him directly that it’s upsetting me would stop it and it hasn’t.

My husband once said ‘the floor needs a good hoovering. I said ‘well you know where the hoover is!’ We both worked full time, I wasn’t his slave.

Well yes, I have been doing this but it doesn’t stop him

Grey rock.
No response at all.
It’ll really puzzle him.

Make similar observations about things that he deems 'his'. Clearly there's a bit of sexism going on here, you're the woman, it's your job.

"That shelf's still broken"
"Nothing in this house works"
"That could have lasted longer..."

It depends why he's saying it, I say things like this sometimes when it's been me who tidied up 12 hours ago and everyone had been asleep for at least 8 since then and the house looks like something has exploded, I also say it about the car it's not me that leave coffee cups (DH) Lego and crumbs (DS) everywhere but more often than not it's me who ends up cleaning it

Agreeing is a useful strategy if he carries on, as it clearly signifies that you are not taking responsibility for it.

'Clean it then durr. It's not rocket science'

Are those comments true?

Does he clean up, then the place reverts to...

Is he teaching the kids to pack their toys away after use, but you're more tolerant of mess?

Some people are tidier than others, and if he's making a concerted effort to maintain tidiness and you're undoing it, I can see how it bothers him.

If he just goes around yapping about the mess, but does nothing to maintain a tidy environment, then he's being unreasonable.

Its a two edged problem: that he keeps saying it and that you keep feeling bad.

He needs to stop saying it but how you stop him depends on the kind of relationship you have/whether he has any kindness or self insight or humor.

Take a good look at him? Is he repeating crap his parents said to him? Is he returning to some basic parental programming?

You notice it because it hurts your feelings (and its awful) but does he do it to hurt your feelings? Or does he do it because he is feeling bad? Its no excuse! But it may help you diminish the behavior.

More information is always better because it will give you some control over your own feelings and the situation.

If he has any sense of humor you can try to break the habit by blocking or transforming it.

Set up a “complainers fine box” and fine him half a pound or a pound for every negative comment. Spend the money in treats for you and the children—or s cleaner.

Or: get up and first thing tell him: I am doing my best today and every day. Do not criticize me or say the five negative sentences. I do not criticize you or comment on your contributions to our family. I expect you to take a deep hreath snd substitute either kind words or kind action fir negative ones. I will do the same. Instead of “the car is full of junk/house is a tip” you can say “I will help”

You can leave cleaning supplies and bags by the door or in the car and tell him to get cracking on his own cleaning schedule during the first 15 minutes when he gets home /comes in the car/ wherever.

“Why are you saying that? We’ve talked before about how it makes me feel. Tell me now, what is going through your head when you say it? What are you feeling right now? Are you feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, guilty? It feels like you are making passive aggressive criticism of me so, if it’s not that, tell me what it is.”