To want DH to stop making these comments

[winterberri]

They feel a bit relentless tbh and they are grinding me down.

’It’s a tip in here’
’This car is like a bin’
’the Kitchen is full of junk’
’theres kids toys everywhere’

It just isn’t helpful. It makes me feel bad and like I’m a slovenly person and I’m really not!

AIBU?

"Ooh, I know. What's for dinner?".

Check out this book/video etc OP. It helped me loads when I worked part time and DH assumed the entire mental load was mine.

https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-book

I would respond every time with ‘so?’ Or with a really annoying noise like a fire alarm. Something to jolt him out of the habit.

It will break you though if he doesn’t start to pull his weight. It’s soul destroying.

Try replying:

'We have 2 young children. It wasn't the immaculate conception. You're not God & I ain't Mary. I cannot be expected to work, look after the children, keep the house & the car tidy. What do you suggest?'

This.

He is showing you who he is, so believe him. He is passive aggressive. He is showing you be doesn't care about your feelings so in future don't bother to explain what upsets you as this only gives him information about how to wear you down. Women are encouraged to keep communicating their feelings to men but if it doesn't work - don't waste your breath!!!

The only thing that might stop him doing it is giving him a taste of his own medicine, aka. is fighting fire with fire. A couple of good suggestions from pps. Eg. Make a similar passive aggressive comment you can say to him in a calm way (and if he reacts use the exact same tactic he uses on you when you become upset) or stop doing his laundry and cooking his dinner and channel that into the house.

Criticising the state of the house is in the playbook for coercively controlling men, and the lack of care he has when you tell him this upsets you is pretty good evidence that he is more interested in controlling you then caring about you

More that if he keeps repeating himself it will get sorted.

So he is doing it deliberately, and does think it’s your issue to sort, so really all you can do is keep telling him it’s annoying, unhelpful and if he wants it sorted he knows where to start.

If he genuinely doesn’t realise how often he is doing it, then repeatedly telling him a variation of the above should work.

And again, I’m truly sorry he’s making you feel this way

Every time he brings it up, act as though he's offering to help do something about it: 'Yes, let's spend 15 minutes tidying up and see how much progress we can make.' or 'Let's agree to clean for 20 minutes after the kids are asleep tonight.'

The bigger issue is why he thinks it's your responsibility to keep these different areas clean. Discussing this in depth might clear up some things. If he's doing it as absentminded commentary, a quick 'code word' response might briefly remind him to snap out of it. If he's doing it to get results (you cleaning and him not), that needs to be addressed.

Thanks, we just seem to have hit a really difficult patch.

Thing is, if he's always been sexist about pulling his weight at home, it isn't a difficult patch. It's systemic. This is who he is.

I agree.

And he’s a nag. See how he reacts to that sexist label!

But the car- are you leaving it messy when you’ve been in it? It does annoy me when I get into the car and it’s full of crap. If you empty it after each journey there’s not an issue. Apart from that though it sounds like he needs to pull his weight. I would just pull him up on it each time. Unless he’s just observing and then will act on it? My husband is more tolerant of mess that me and I say all those things when I come back to a mess. But I do then get stuck into tidying and cleaning it. I don’t treat it like it’s his job, that’s what it sounds like is going on here.

If they're an innocent comment as in you work as a team and you both keep up the house then you're possibly being sensitive.

If, as I suspect, he's aiming them AT you because it's not his job because "he works"....

• rebuff the comment back at him "absolutely, could you just tidy the toys up in the living room while I'm making tea...".

• send him on his way to the car with a bin bag, hoover and polish

• make a pointed remark about it being challenging to keep on top of everything when you feel like a single parent while trying to work at the same time.

• go on strike of anything of his to free up time for other things - leave his washing etc.

• tell him straight - it's not nice of him to leave you to everything and it's downright rude of him to moan when it's not to his liking.

I agree you need to have a proper conversation at a different time.

Including - why do you think the DC & house are my hobby & responsibility?

I work 5 days per week too kits as long hours as you - 3 when they are in the daycare and the rest of the time when you are not here they are both my sole responsibility. If I could work and simultaneously look after 2 kids we wouldn't pay for childcare would we?

You can see the house is untidy and dirty so why aren't you doing your share instead of trying to delegate it all to me as if you are the boss instead on my equal partner and equal parent?

A slight aside is get rid of a lot of STUFF, far far fewer toys. Best of you can put 60% shut away and rotate every month or so.

Be ruthless with volumes of clothes and toys and stuff it makes keep it tidy far easier and less overwhelming.

As for your selfish H I'd stop doing is laundry or better still allocate him all the household laundry and shopping and cooking so it's his mental load and responsibility.

It’s disrespectful. Just because he works 2 days more than you this all automatically becomes your problem? And you have 2 young children on those 2 days too! Plus the car is the worst job in the world I put that off for as long as humanely possible, you would think I was going through a mental episode if you saw it. Or living in it. Not much more you can do Op, maybe try rage as an option?!

Apologies if this has been covered already but have you asked “why are you telling me?” Or “what are you hoping to achieve by telling me?” Would it help if you tried to force him to articulate what his intention is.?

He sounds really tiresome though OP, I hope you can resolve this because it’s this sort of passive aggressive behaviour that chips away at a relationship. Good luck!

‘Well grab the Hoover, Kenneth. Less yapping more moving. It’s not going to tidy itself now, is it?’

Does he ever look after the children on his own for more than an hour or two? He needs to in order to understand the sheer drudgery of constantly feeding, washing, dressing and entertaining them is. That’s before you need to shop, cook, do admin and deal with any illness or educational activities.

sit him down and try a conversation along the lines of , ‘Dave we are in the trenches and this is probably the most demanding part of parenting now. It’s got to be a team effort and we both have to muck in. If you want to come home and take the kids up for bath time then I will spend an hour clearing up or we can do it another way but I cannot physically carry on and I certainly cannot be the perfect wife you seem to expect. How can we make this work better?’

Make him a part of the whole picture. And try going out for a long day a few times ( hopefully he doesn’t have his mum round the corner to dump them on).

Is it some sort of nervous tic? My mother in law would say all of those things but she's actually talking to herself, not expecting any sort of reply.

If not then absolutely - tell him to fix the problem himself - and then just ignore any further reference to it.

Dh will say "we need to sort X cupboard " my stock response now is "we do don't we!"

I would either agree or start saying "that would be great thank you!" And hand him whatever implement he needs

Have you tried counting out loud every time he does it?

"Its a tip in here" "Eleven"
"What?" "Oh I am just keeping tally of how many times you criticize me in a week and then comparing that to how many times you actually help.....so far we are on Eleven - Nil"

@winterberri you need to lose your shit at him. The DC may have to hear it, but it will be better than further years of constant passive aggression and resentment.

Not sure what you want people to suggest.

You married an arsehole. We're sorry about that.

The only thing you can do is carry on being unhappy and doing all the work and trying different words to make him change from being a sexist pig in to a decent human being who respects women, which he won't....or divorce him.

Just pretend you can't hear him. No response. Not even a flicker. He's doing it because it upsets you.

Even if this were the case, continually pecking away at her like a starling after a worm is not the way to address it. Passive-aggressive behaviour should never be rewarded.

You married an arsehole.

^ according to both Women's Aid and Relate this is very rare. Most people who find themselves is bad marriages married someone who turned INTO an arsehole after marriage and often kids, when suddenly there were more pressures, responsibilities and their poor coping styles really evolved/were exposed.

Relationship experts like the Gottmans can predict who will divorce can do so with a high degree of accuracy. They cannot however, predict who will be an arsehole in advance of marriage. Most women marry men who seem just as lovely as the ones who don't turn into or out to be arseholes. It is not poor choice.