To want DH to stop making these comments

[winterberri]

They feel a bit relentless tbh and they are grinding me down.

’It’s a tip in here’
’This car is like a bin’
’the Kitchen is full of junk’
’theres kids toys everywhere’

It just isn’t helpful. It makes me feel bad and like I’m a slovenly person and I’m really not!

AIBU?

You need to be more direct I've just told my DH he's a dick as I've spent two days painting our DDs room to save a shedload of money and he's said ooh did you need sow tape around the window frames. I said no it will wipe off and needs another coat yet and I knew you'd find a fault somewhere as that's what you always do,
Just come downstairs and he's booked us tickets to go and see Simply Red as a part payment for me decorating, should call him. Dick more often!

Yes this.

It is not just the comments that are the issue here. Frankly if he stopped the comments completely but still left everything in the house to you then you still have a problem.

Has he always expected you to be his skivvy, even before the children?

Hmmn, my DH is very similar.

However. The big difference is that DH is the one that does the bulk of the tidying and cleaning. He accepts that my cleaning is akin to his Level 1 Basic Effort, and I accept that he is genuinely bothered by what I really don't even see. He will remark, huff to himself and set about cleaning up.

(I do other things than make a mess before everyone tells him to leave me).

He has allocated tidying up as A Wife Job.

He needs a reset in how he thinks - this is an Everybody Job.

Agree, 'Yes it is. You sort this room, I'll do that room.'

Misquote the railway thing at him - 'see it - say it - SORT IT'.

Are you messier than he is, though? Are you happy with a level of mess that actively upsets him? As in - Is there a mental reset you could also do?

Me and my husband do this but we both do equal cleaning so it's more so we know what area to target.

So you work, but he expects you to do all the tidying, laundry etc? What does he do for his share of looking after the house that you both live in and tidying up after the kids that are his joint responsibility?
Rather than telling him you’re upset by the remarks , get angry and tell him to start pulling his weight and that you’re not his personal maid.

I would say, 'Yes, how shall we sort it?'

Get him to take some responsibility.

The op has said she works and that her work has been demanding lately which has impacted the housework.

@winterberri so ask him what he’s going to do about it?

house is a state.. thanks dearest, if you feel that way you obviously need to do something about it.

cars a tip - bin bags are under sink and I’m hoping you know where the hoover and cleaning stuff is?

toys everywhere - kids will love it if you turn tidying up into a game with them.

turn it back on him. What’s he going to do to help… if he’s not going to help he needs to keep his mouth shut.

When my other half did this to me one too many times, I stopped doing his washing...to free up more time for me to tidy...😁

I had a baby and toddler at the time and was run ragged looking after them and never got a break.

Sounds like you're in a similar position. I'm afraid to tell you that with a man who seems this as 'women's work' even though you work...it only gets worse. ☹️

Your reply should be "clean it up then"..
Every single time.

Is he a bully?
He sounds like it.
You have asked him not to say this yet he persists.

He is trying to upset you.
Don't rush into more children with suchba man.
One is enough.

Stop doing anything for him.
Laundry and cooking is a good start.

"I think you have to say it 3 times and then click your heels together for the tidying spell to work"

I would definitely reply

‘Fucking do something then’

😂 not ideal but that would really get my back up.

Exaclty there is far more context needed here

But my OH wouldnt notice if we were living knee high in dog shit, so there is that

Im more for the agreement line 'yes its awful'

Also could be a verbal tic of somesort.

I wish!

I have actually replied to this (I think - need to check.) I work three days a week but lately work has been awful and I’m rushed off my feet. We have two children who are three and fourteen months. So I am definitely not a SAHM to school aged kids.

Don't let these comments upset you, by making it clear that if he is aiming at you he has the wrong target. Every single time respond "Yes, why haven't you cleared it up?" or "When are you going to tidy up?". When the target becomes him I'm prepared to bet he becomes less keen to draw attention to any problems.

He’s not saying that explicitly, though, is he?

’It’s a tip in here’ (not ‘It’s a tip in here, why haven’t you tidied up winterberry?’)

That gives you the power to pretend it is Not Your Problem.

(Fake it till you make it if you still feel criticised.)

’This car is like a bin’
‘Yes, it is, isn’t it?’

’the Kitchen is full of junk’
’I know, right?’

’theres kids toys everywhere’
’Does my head in, I agree.’

Either he’ll have to move on to saying explicitly that it’s your responsibility - at which point have the row about exactly why that’s not the case - or he’ll give up mentioning things as it’s not a useful strategy.

Mostly he sounds like an annoying useless partner, so you have my sympathies.

My husband is like this sometimes. Saying "what are you going to do about it then?" doesn't work because he just wants to chuck their toys out rather than think about toy storage, and get a bin bag and put everything from the car in the trash. He'd never actually empty the car, put all the rubbish in the bin, wash and put away puddlesuits etc...

It's quite hurtful isn't it because like you I'm also doing my best. I have said he parents our babies and toddlers I'll do more tidying but he'd rather not tidy up nor parent so????

Why would that help, it doesn't solve the problem he's asking you to solve. It just looks like emotional manipulation on your part.

It needs to be an actual practical resolution, like having a big box to dump everything in, only having toys in one room/area, having rules about how many toys can be out, changing food to be less messy at times you're busy, having him be responsible for xyz task or day, paying someone else to do it, decluttering, gifting/charity shopping stuff, etc. The more you have the harder it is to keep on top of it all, even though it seems logical in theory to have more of everything.

stop being defensive, its not your mess - its family mess and he is a big part of the family as he lives and breaths in the same household.

Get in first

you never clean up the mess in the car, the junk in the kitchen, the fridge or the bedroom. When was the last time you cooked or hoovered?

It doesn’t really matter if he’s saying them to me or not, they bother me a lot.

Potato I don’t know why it’s emotional manipulation on my part - I’m not meaning that rudely. I genuinely don’t know why it would be.

Plus the state of the place bothers me as well but I actually try to do something about it rather than making comments to others.

Ah - the classic pointing out / delegation of a task. Agree and note that he can sort it if it’s a concern. “It is, isn’t it? Soon gets messy. Why not give it a quick tidy?”

"Youre a big dtrong man, go clean it up then."