To want DH to stop making these comments

[winterberri]

They feel a bit relentless tbh and they are grinding me down.

’It’s a tip in here’
’This car is like a bin’
’the Kitchen is full of junk’
’theres kids toys everywhere’

It just isn’t helpful. It makes me feel bad and like I’m a slovenly person and I’m really not!

AIBU?

I agree.

Ime most women dont knowingly marry men who will be like this. How many times on MN do we see this? "He was great when we were first married and we did everything 50/50 but now everything seems to be my job, along with work and the kids". Personally I think its ML that does it in the case of marriages where kids come along. It makes sense for the person at home to shoulder most of the burden of chores and the WOHP gets used to not having to do anything, and the rot starts.

Saying that she married an arsehole is like saying its her fault for how he treats her because she chose to marry him! I dont like the phrase "victim blaming" as I think it is overused, but in this case its true!

Ah my apologies. I was using as few words as I could for speed and brevity. I'll amend.

Turns out that your husband, who I'm sure was lovely when you got married, has become an arsehole as soon as the going has got tough.

Read OPs posts but not the whole thread so I don’t know if this has been suggested, how about doing exactly the same thing back to him? The second he sits down to relax you get straight in there with “it’s a tip in here”. Use his exact words at him. And do it relentlessly at him. See how he likes it.

I was going to ask why these remarks bother you so much, but I read all your comments op and it seems your relationship is on the rocks and there’s not much you like about him.
It sounds like you’re just adding these comments to your list of reasons why you don’t like him. It’s hard to know whether he means them als criticism towards you or is simply stating a fact. Communication is key here I think, to find out why he’s saying it, to explain how it makes you feel and to find a solution. But it sounds like communication is needed anyway if your relationship is in the rocks. I’d advise you to look at the bigger picture, ie the relationship, this (what he says AND how you react) is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

My husband does a softer version of this sometimes. Pointing out things that need to be done (but not rudely).

It is always met with a very stern suggestion from me that he deals with the issue rather than telling me about it. E.g he told me my sons football boots needed cleaning, I asked if he could hop to it then as I was busy doing xyz. Yesterday he made a comment about bedding needing changing. I suggested he could do that on his day off. It’s just reminding them that the house isn’t your sole responsibility and giving them a kick up the arse to take the initiative. God knows if I told him all the things that needed doing rather than just cracking on I’d drive him round the bend !

My DH has been making these comments for years. I told him about 5 years ago that it bothers and upsets me, and have been asking him to stop ever since. It’s one of the reasons I’m currently leaving him, it became unbearable to live with him.

hopefully your DH will listen to you and change his behaviour before it really grinds you down

How about making a list of these things he repeatedly moans about and dividing up responsibility? So you keep on top of the mess in the kitchen, he does the same with the toys at the end of each day?

Yes a lot of the responses are somewhat patronising, as you’ve said he doesn’t react to your retorts.

I think I would tell him in no uncertain terms, what you said above, that you are really struggling to ‘like’ him, and that currently he is bringing nothing to the table that is going to change that feeling either.

Tell him you are doing your effing best, raising children is hard, and you are not prepared to raise a third (adult) one!

Hire a cleaner and see how that goes (money permitting obviously) xx

Why are you not angry at your husband when he has made you his skivvy at home when you also work full time?

Do not say this. By telling him its hurting your feelings you are going along with the idea that the state of the home is your responsibility, and that his criticism of your performance is hurtful. You should be aiming to break the idea that the home is an extention of you, not reinforce it. The way to do this is to completely seperate the comments from yourself. Treat them as statements neutral to you like 'it's a cold day'. Simply agree it's a mess (if it is) and make no further comment. Never explain or excuse because this is admitting its your job.

You cant stop him saying it. You can stop it upsetting you. Choose to ignore it. It takes practice but when you get the hang of it its a super power.

I wouldn't call being a doormat and not defending yourself against attacks from the person who's meant to love you the most, a super power

Come back at him with some quick response for goodness sake. It's his responsibility too you are not the maid!

You could say
You are correct, & ITS NOT OK. You haven't helped, in fact you make it worse.
So this w/e we can sort it out in turns. You take kids out, & I tidy up. & then swap.
Lock his play station away.