To want DH to stop making these comments

[winterberri]

They feel a bit relentless tbh and they are grinding me down.

’It’s a tip in here’
’This car is like a bin’
’the Kitchen is full of junk’
’theres kids toys everywhere’

It just isn’t helpful. It makes me feel bad and like I’m a slovenly person and I’m really not!

AIBU?

Why is everywhere so untidy?

If you both tidied up, there would be no need for him to comment.
And yes, I do mean both of you. It isn't just your job to tidy things up.

But living in a mess would upset me.

So you've told him to tidy it, where the hoover is etc
You've told him it annoys you
Yet he continues to do it.

He doesn't sound like a person who respects or is concerned about your feelings if that's the case.

You can physically go and get the duster or a hoover and hand it to him and tell him to clean it up. But I'd be questioning how much he cares for you if he continues to do something you don't like.

My dh used to never put the toothpaste back in the holder, and it became a real bug bear for me. I told him and now 99% of the time he puts it away - because he doesn't want to intentionally wind me up over something he has control over.

"That could have lasted longer..."

Please don't bring his sexual prowess into question 😮😂😂

If you've tried passing the problem back to him, then grey rock. Do not acknowledge his comment in any way and if you can then walk out the room every time.

I’m going to play a little bit of devils advocate here, because whilst I agree with all the above, it also changes things slightly if you’re a SAHM.
If you work, then turn the tables, if your job is to stay home with the kids, then try and look at it through his eyes. The person who is the “breadwinner” obviously expects the home to be taken care of In their absence.

If you’re not a full time SAHM, the of course don’t try to see it through his eyes, take all the advice above 🤣

Why is his implication that this mess is your responsibility not his? I think the fact you’re taking it personally shows for for reason you also feel like he’s having a dig at you?

If it is all a mess tell him you both need to chip in and get it blitzed, any reason you can’t both do that today? Why do you both seem to think it something you need to sort out?

It's interesting how everyone jumps to defending the OP and assuming the husband must be the problem. For all we know, OP is a SAHM of school aged children, has a hoarding problem and doesn't lift a finger around the house. I'm not saying this actually is the case, but rather making a point that without more context, it's not fair to automatically assume the DH is in the wrong.

I think it depends on if he's saying it because he feels a bit overwhelmed by it all, or if he's saying it because he feels it's up to you to fix it.

I've said similar to my ex, never once thinking it was his fault or expecting him to do anything about it but more just looking for a bit of solidarity in him saying something like yes I know, ds is like a tornado. Or , I know but sure we'll get on top of it when ds goes to go bed or something like that. I think you need to identify which it is.

Grey rocking is a tactic, not a strategy. It won’t change anything. Its essentially defensive and creates more distance and degrades attachment. its good to limit conflict and is ysed to make yourself a smaller target within a situation of narcissistic abuse. But it will quickly destroy the marriage.

Can you read some books on marriage or do couples counseling? He doesn’t admit he is creating the problem or has a problem so you can’t fix it.

My ex was like this. Never lifted a fucking finger but always pointed out that ‘living room looks a mess’ ‘the hoovering needs doing’ used to drive me mad, always made me feel it was pointing out that I was some lazy person and letting everyone down. We both worked full time. (Whenever I pointed this out the reply was his job was more important than mine )

I then stopped giving a fuck and would reply with ‘is there something stopping you from operating the hoover that I need to be aware of’ I also started asking him to pick his stuff up and put it away. Apparently this then made me a ‘nag’ and he wanted to know why I was nagging him all the time and how unfair it was.

Just writing that out makes me realise how glad I am I don’t have to deal with that anymore!!

If your situation is the same as or similar to mine YADNBU. You are not the slave of the house it’s the 21st century now where shock horror men have developed limbs that allows them to operate light machinery - I.e. the hoover and dishwasher!

Same here.
It can also depend on family circumstances, if the DH doesn’t do anything at home when OP works full time + does the majority of the house/children duties vs he works FT in a high pressure job and OP is a SAHM of children aged 8+

OP we need more information. Does he tidy? Does he do half? Do you do your half? If he's doing his half and you aren't he has a point. If he expects you to do it all then you need to have a conversation about chore allocation or getting a cleaner so neither of you have to live in a pit.

Are you quite a messy person though? I used to be quite messy and leave things everywhere and not put stuff away. My dh would make comments. I'm now a lot tidier and so is the house. I didn't really realise. I also reduced having stuff. I'm not a minimalist but far better and house is a lot more relaxing.

The problem you need to get to the bottom of is why is it upsetting you? Why is it an insult to you?

To be upset by it, would imply that's is your job alone, and that he is your boss.

Are those true?

Is it a mess? Are you a tidy person struggling to keep on top of a house with 2 pre school aged children and a full time job or a sahm with school aged children?
Your circumstances will make a big difference to my opinion and I am not prepared to slate your husband when you might genuinely be driving him crazy by ignoring things that need doing!

This is a YOU problem OP

You're internalising these comments as if they're aimed at you. YOU have to stop thinking that. You don't need to feel guilty.

The tidying/hoovering is just as much him so instead agree with what he says "I know, isn't it - you get on with tidying it while I do XYZ".

I'd start saying it back to him. I used to feel like this with an ex and he did NOTHING around the house, and I was the primary carer for our children and out earned him but he still felt like it was my job. I felt lazy and ashamed hence why he is now an ex.

This is not just on you, reframe your thinking and say, 'yes it is isn't it - time you got your marigolds on'

My husband used to do this too.

My replies were
"Yes. You should stop making such a mess"
"You're right, it's amazes me everyday that you got to this age and don't have the basic life skill of tidying up"
"I know, did your parents never teach you anything to prepare you for life"
"Do you imagine I'm stopping you from tidying up? Do you think I'll object if the place is tidy?"

Well, mostly because the only one who does anything in the house is me. The car not so much but it’s really difficult to actually find the time to go and clear it out. We have a three year old and a fourteen month old and I just have no time. Either they’re both with me or I’m at work.

Work has been exceptionally demanding these past few weeks, and it’s left little space for anything else and I will agree both children aren’t helpful with strewing toys around but it’s also laundry, general mess and clutter and mess. It does get me down but these comments are awful and having told him repeatedly they are upsetting I don’t know what else to do.

They are aimed at me!

Don't let the fact your husband is a slob hurt your feelings. Either he cleans it or he employs a cleaner or he shuts the fuck up. Just laugh it off and say 'yeah, minging, innit?' with a warm chuckle. Then go back to your meaningful tasks of the day.

Have you asked him directly why he's complaining to you instead of doing something about it?

You work and have two small children. Has he always seen housework as your job? What does he do around the house?

I think given the situation all you can do is say “I know, right? Get cracking! “ every time.

Right. So you work and have very young kids and have married a sexist lazy arsehole.

Cleaning is no more your responsibility than it is his.

So get in first. You say 'this place is a tip' implying it's his fault before he does.

Tell him you're going to start by getting rid of the single biggest useless object in the house......

Did he do housework before you had DC? What are his parenting skills like? What are his good points?