To want DH to stop making these comments

[winterberri]

They feel a bit relentless tbh and they are grinding me down.

’It’s a tip in here’
’This car is like a bin’
’the Kitchen is full of junk’
’theres kids toys everywhere’

It just isn’t helpful. It makes me feel bad and like I’m a slovenly person and I’m really not!

AIBU?

@winterberri lots of us had advised asking him why he doesn’t tidy up the mess himself/why he doesn’t share the housework. I can’t see where you’ve acknowledged this so could you answer - have you actually pointed out to him that he could tidy up himself and needs to pull his weight around the house?

Instead of looking for some magic words that will make him change in to someone else, start looking in to what your life would look like without him in it.

Stop making it about your feelings OP.

He thinks it’s a tip - that’s OK. Just ask what he is going to do to improve it.

You don’t need to have the same standards but you do need to be able to functionally discuss it without you getting emotional.

Start replying "yes it is and it depresses me, why aren't you pulling your weight and doing your share?"

Good point.
My husband of 20 years has NEVER made comments like this.

Bloody hell! I don’t know how you aren’t planning for a patio, OP. Agree with those who suggest asking the prat what he intends to do about it - or a favourite of my old mum’s ‘if you spent as much energy on dealing with it as you do moaning about it, you wouldn’t have a problem.’ Don’t get trapped into justifying or explaining other than ‘toys everywhere, dear? Well, we have two small children. Do you think that could have something to do with it?’ ‘What’s that, dear? Kitchen’s a mess? Goodness me! What a scatterbrain I am! Went and cooked dinner for everyone in it, didn’t I? Shall we just have take-aways forever instead?’

This kind of speech is a rhetorical device—he certainly does not mean it to mean nothing and it certainly is aimed at OP as it is not accompanied by his doing the work he thinks needs doing.

If I walk into my kitchen and say “what a tip” as I put in my apron to clean its just a statement about the world, aimed at myself. If I walk into my dh’s office and say it disparagingly or repeatedly I am implying that he needs to do something about it.

I've added your responses below

’It’s a tip in here’ = feel free to help tidy up
’This car is like a bin’ = feel free to to help clean the car
’the Kitchen is full of junk’ = feel free to help tidy up
’theres kids toys everywhere’ = feel free to put the toys away

Does he do anything at all?

But make time by stopping doing stuff for him - no shopping/cooking/laundry/fetching/carrying or anything else

For gods sake these responses are so smug and irritating. I’ve said throughout the thread I have done this and when he carried on told him directly to stop. I can’t do much else. Why people are acting like I’m an idiot who can’t reply herself I don’t know.

@Craftycorvid honestly I’m seriously struggling to remember anything likeable about him at the moment!

This would make me really angry OP

The other posters are right, I would be having an argument with him

As if you work 3 days a week AND have 2 young children AND do all the cleaning

Meanwhile he thinks it's acceptable to speak to you like that, who does he think he is?

Does he not realise if you were separated he would have to do all his own cooking and cleaning, plus he would need to look after his own children alone part time whilst you would probably have more time to yourself!! In peace without some tw*t speaking to you like this

Honestly you should roast him, you don't deserve this

So, he’s one of those men who thinks that because you ‘only work three days’ that you should be responsible for the house all the time?

Honestly I think no matter how much or little of work I do he assumes it’s my job, it’s so frustrating. I’m finding the relationship hard work just now!

Yeah, I know what he’s implying - that it is OP’s responsibility- but my point is that until he says so explicitly OP can just wilfully ignore his implicit suggestion it’s her problem to solve. If he does ever say it explicitly, then they can sort it out with a row.

His comments assume it's your job to sort it out.
Rather than asking him to stop saying those particular comments, talk to him about the root cause of the comments ie his selfish expectations.

I have a rule in my house. The person who notices any dust/untidiness/whatever is the person who clears it up.

However, OP has explained this isn’t going to work for her as she married a sexist cockwomble who thinks it’s all women’s work.

Tell him either he takes the DC out for the day alone at the weekend whilst you have a re set Or you will go out and he can do it.

If I am being honest, I am getting the vibe this might be the tip of an unpleasant iceberg?

If you've told him his comments upset you and he's persisting on making them, rather than shutting up and sorting out whatever it is that he moaning about, he's doing it on purpose because he knows it upsets you. That's just nasty. I'm afraid you've got yourself a misogynist.

What would you like to happen? Is whatever that is likely? If not, what are your options? You might like to read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That?' to help you work out what direction to take next.

Tell him to fuck off next time he makes a snide comment.

See I don’t even think it’s that which isn’t me excusing him. But I don’t think he realises how often he criticises me.

So, turn it round. Every time you walk into a room and he is in earshot, say "It is a tip in here again Kevin!"

Or whatever his name is.

Also, try to get to a point where you are irritated, rather than hurt, by it. Unless it is you strewing stuff everywhere it is Not Your Fault and a shared responsibility.

You’ve told him explicitly it upsets you and he keeps doing it.

If you genuinely think that’s just absentminded on his part (I don’t, obviously) then you need to keep saying ‘It sounds like you’re criticising me again, DH’ every time he does it.

Is there any reason that looking after the house and car is your job rather than his?
Perhaps if you are at home all day and have agreed to keep things tidy. If not, can't you just say Yes, could you do some tidying up , please? Or even Lets tidy up together. But you've tried that and he ignores you, which is bad news. COuples counselling next?

First post nails it!! 👏👏👏

Not absentminded exactly. More that if he keeps repeating himself it will get sorted. Which it will because I get so fed up of him whingeing and I hate the mess myself but it’s a state within days of a big clean.

Oh my exh was like that. As though any kid related mess was somehow my mess. And as though he’d done his pit but pointing it out 😬