To hate that he locks the door when we're home

[LotteryFights]

Our front door is always locked as it goes straight onto the road & we never use it. Instead we use the backdoor was goes out to the garden and then through the garden gate onto a side road where the car is parked.

H is highly anxious. For example every single morning without fail he messages me saying 'drop off ok?' (I drop the kids off before I go to work) and i have to write 'yes' or he'll call me and i'll be in meetings and he calls and calls.

When he leaves the house at the weekend and me and DC (primary school) are home, we are in the back room/snug thing which is where the back door is and he will leave by this door and then use his key to lock the back door from the outside. Of course I'm not locked in as I can just unlock it but it's so weird to me. We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

And then when he comes back and it's unlocked as i've popped into garden - he will ask why it's unlocked. He's not angry but he's geniunely expecting a response - and I find myself explaining myself to him like a kid!

He think I'm the weird one and he's keeping us safe. I makes me uncomfortable - which he says is my issue.

AIBU to feel hate it?

We live in a low criminal area.

Not incorrect. Different policies have different wording, and in this day and age it's increasingly stated that theft without forced entry is excluded. I'd advise everyone to check their policy if they aren't sure if they're covered.

My doors are always unlocked unless I’m going out in the car somewhere and locked overnight once it gets to 11pm ish

Are you me OP?
We have a similar setup, always use the back door, and my husband (also an anxious type) does the same, and it annoys me too.
I hate the feeling of someone else locking me in - even though logically it doesn't make any difference, as the door was locked before he went through it.

I would find it stifling too, OP. And if the weather’s good I’d want the door open, not just unlocked!

We generally lock up at night, but once someone’s left the house for the day, the door is unlocked unless we all go out. That goes for our front door too.

I am really surprised by some of the responses. In the summer if we are at home we will have the bifold doors open to the garden. I lock the back door if I am going upstairs and double check at night. Although we have forgotten. We’ve also gone to bed with the sitting room window open as DS2 forgot to shut it.

We live in London!!

I'm at home. I'm sitting 1 metre from the door. I don't need it locked.

Our front door is automatically locked when the door is closed, a key is needed to open it from the outside.

The back door leads onto the patio and must be locked with a key from outside. It's kept locked, with a key on a short ribbon hanging on the inside so it can be unlocked from inside or outside. If I go into the garden or out the back to the garage I would leave it open then lock it when I come back in again.

Assuming you lock it overnight, do you unlock it when you come downstairs in the morning ? Or only when you need to go out?

In our old house we had automatic door locks that locked the door after 30 seconds with a number pad to open them again. TBH there was a young man who regularly patrolled the neighbourhood trying people's house doors, car doors and going into open garages and stealing anything he could to buy drugs.

The automatic locks might set your DH's mind at rest. My DH is the opposite, he leaves doors unlocked. I won't unless I can see the door or the path to it so I know if anyone does go in who shouldn't be.

My back door is never locked during the day time; I have also forgotten to lock it at night sometimes. No one died, all was well.

maybe have a chat with him around risk and the difference between what you think is an ok risk and he does. You need to talk this through, it would drive me potty as it’s quite infantilising

@LotteryFights I agree with you. If your DH is going out, he should leave you to manage risk.

I think different people have different approaches to risk. Or put some risks (e.g. ‘stranger danger’) above others (e.g. road traffic accidents).

I’m always surprised how blasé people are about the risks of travelling by car. I used to drive a lot in the past. But I no longer have a car and don’t particularly enjoy being a passenger. I always feel so vulnerable, especially from other drivers. And especially on fast roads like motorways, where split second decisions in controlling speeding vehicles that weigh over a ton in some cases, can be a matter of life and death. I’ve also had friends die in road traffic accidents.

I much prefer train travel. But then my mum (who’s always driven everywhere) feels at risk when travelling by train in case she’s attacked by other passengers. Horses for courses, I guess.

I have one of these DHs, OP.

All I can say is that this is how he is - and this is how you are. It doesn’t sound like he’s doing it to be controlling. Just because he does it, and thinks you should do it as well, doesn’t mean you have to.

Can you bring yourself to reply “oh DH, I’m so lucky you love us so much and want to keep us safe.” Then just ignore any bollocks about keys/bins/any other nonsense.

I always keep the door locked. I used to live in a flat which had a security door to get into the building. I now live in a house close to the road and I still don’t like the idea that anyone could just walk off the street and into my house. Also, a few years ago I was seeing a new guy, and it was at that stage where you spend the weekends having sex. My mum has a habit of dropping round without warning and letting herself in. She unfortunately barged in on us. She is not the type of woman to respect boundaries, I’d asked her a million times to message or call before coming round but apparently I’m just being silly. So locking the door keeps her out.

I always keep the key in the lock though. I know someone who was injured in a house fire because they’d locked them self in an it took then a while to find the key.

What about if you go to the toilet or something ?
Have to go upstairs?
My next door neighbours cat comes in when our back door is open , could just as easily be a burglar.
I'm always lock it if I'm not in the room.
Especially if you e got small kids

I am a bit in between yourself and your husband. I always lock the front door or put the security chain on as our kitchen is at the back of the house and if the washing machine/radio is on I cannot hear the front so wouldn't want anybody coming in when my kids are in the front room or bedrooms. If I am in the kitchen I generally leave the back door unlocked as I am in and out to rubbish bins/ washing line etc, however if I go upstairs then I lock the back door.

DH and I always send a text or a quick email to say kids were fine and drop off and we got to work ok. Have done for years. Don't agree with the constant calling though.

I think your husband needs help for his anxiety.
Even if you could make him stop the door locking he may well move onto something else. Only resolving the root cause will stop it.

If you and the kids are in and out of the garden I get why it would be annoying and I certainly wouldn't want to be explaining myself all the time.

However, a few years ago a thief followed my neighbour in after she'd unloaded the shopping from the car. Stole her purse and laptop and then ran out the kitchen through the unlocked back door. Being in the house doesn't mean you're safe.

DH never locks the patio door as he is in and out gardening, and it has created an extra job for me to check it every night before bed.

Our front door is locked

On a hot summer day our patio doors to both the dining room and living room are open, wherever I am in the house otherwise it's stifling

I think both you and your DH have valid points about whether the door should be locked or not - as responses show there are good arguments for each!

@LotteryFights I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if this has been mentioned already but is there some way you could compromise by making your garden gate locked / more secure? Growing up, my family kept the front door locked and the back door was always open in summer so we could go in and out and keep house cool, but we had a tall garden gate which could be locked if needed (although we never did!) Wonder if that might make your DH feel more secure but means you can keep house open and feel less stifled? Also means in case of fire you can get out quickly to garden.

It also sounds like your DH could potentially benefit from some counselling for anxiety? My FiL is similar and once he is reassured his anxiety often finds something else to fixate on. He’s a wonderful person, just needs a bit more help in that regard than others.

Just say ‘no’, ffs. Say no to your DH. He’s not your boss.

I would hate that. Why's he locking you in?

I would swap your front door lock to a nightlatch so you don't have to worry about it?

Maybe get a sash lock for the back door- a proper drilled one not a stuck on one. Then you can just flick it.

The idea of using a key to lock the door all the time is a bit odd to me. We only use the bottom key on the front door when we are going on holiday.

My doors are locked when I get in the car and go somewhere. I don’t lock them any other time. My front door has been unlocked since I came home on Friday afternoon. Rural Cornwall

I like to keep my doors locked too, just feels safer and takes seconds

We always lock the doors. We were burgled in the day when I was about 8, and I have never forgotten my dad chasing him down the road. If you are upstairs, in the loo, watching tv, anyone could walk in and help themselves. Lock up.

I find threads like this weird. I always lock my doors. I don't know anyone who doesn't.

I take it that you've never had a random man just walk in through your back door before then?
I used to live in what was considered a nice quiet area and always had my back door unlocked or open, until one day I walked 8nto the kitchen to find a man just walking through the door. He'd had to get through 2 gates to get to the back door. I shouted, my GSD who had been asleep on the sofa came running in and the man legged it!