To hate that he locks the door when we're home

[LotteryFights]

Our front door is always locked as it goes straight onto the road & we never use it. Instead we use the backdoor was goes out to the garden and then through the garden gate onto a side road where the car is parked.

H is highly anxious. For example every single morning without fail he messages me saying 'drop off ok?' (I drop the kids off before I go to work) and i have to write 'yes' or he'll call me and i'll be in meetings and he calls and calls.

When he leaves the house at the weekend and me and DC (primary school) are home, we are in the back room/snug thing which is where the back door is and he will leave by this door and then use his key to lock the back door from the outside. Of course I'm not locked in as I can just unlock it but it's so weird to me. We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

And then when he comes back and it's unlocked as i've popped into garden - he will ask why it's unlocked. He's not angry but he's geniunely expecting a response - and I find myself explaining myself to him like a kid!

He think I'm the weird one and he's keeping us safe. I makes me uncomfortable - which he says is my issue.

AIBU to feel hate it?

We keep our doors locked when we are in, in our old street a guy walked into a neighbour house high on drugs with a knife and stabbed the man and beat his wife before jumping out the top bedroom window!! We didn't live there at the time it happened, we'd moved away. We also used to live by the beach and lots of people would visit in the summer.
You don't know who's walking past, what oppurtunist or nutter.

I have my front locked from when I moved in with my h and baby. Good practice for when the baby grew to reach the handle. Now I live alone it is always locked as soon as I get in. Someone did jump my gate to burgle a neighbours house. I just feel happier with being locked in and I've no idea if he'd tried my back door first. I now have a dog which helps.

I'm the same as this. I keep presents hidden until Xmas eve night when I'm home and not going back out. I know people who have been broken into and their presents all stolen.

We always lock the front door when we’re in. The back door I often leave open in summer though as the garden has a 6’ fence around it. I do make sure the doors are locked when I go out though.

My in laws never lock their front door except for at night and I find it totally bizarre. They’ve got a lovely house and are very well off, I think they have a bit of misplaced confidence that they live in a safe area. They never lock their garage either! I got burgled when we were growing up, so I think I’m more cautious.

You really think it's okay to bother her at work every day, even when she's in meetings. Sorry it's so unprofessional. I've never worked anywhere that this has been a thing.

Just because other posters like their door locked doesn't mean yabu for wanting it unlocked. You are the one in the house so you get to choose. DH can keep it locked when he's in the house if he wants. unlock it as soon as he's gone, preferably while he's still in earshot. If he asks the answer is always 'I don't want it locked'

I hate having the back door to the garden shut in summer. For me this would need resolving.

…or just simply asking a question.

Fine to leave the back door open at any time when people are going in and out, but once they're in and staying in I'd lock it. I would however not take kindly to being interrogated about why the door is open.

Can you have a conversation with him along the lines of:

1. You don't need to ask me why the back door is open at any given time. It makes no difference to you what our reasons are. Just take it that we do have reasons, and that we will lock the door once those reasons no longer apply.

2. You don't need to ask me whether drop-off went OK. Please assume that it has gone OK unless I tell you otherwise.

All of that means that I am no longer going to respond to unnecessary questions about these things. You must get it into your head that you don't need to interrogate us, and that unless we tell you otherwise we are all safe.

if it was just him wanting the doors locked all the time I'd say I could see his point although my garden door is open right now by my choice. The HAVING to tell him the drop off was ok every day I'd find a bit annoying. Havent RTFT but I'd also caution you that people with this kind of anxiety rarely get less anxious without help. If you are feeling stifled now then its reasonable to address this with him and get him to back off a bit.

Always locked unless in the garden sneak thieves etc.
If my husband was cosy on the settee with the grandkids I would lock the door on my way out because anyone could walk in. I'm with your oh.

He's anxious and he's just making sure you're safe. Not a big deal in my view.

IMHO YANBU. Locking people in can be a form of abuse and control.

Though it sounds in your DH’s case he does it to manage his anxiety or possibly even OCD. However, if his anxiety is making you stressed or affecting day-to-day life, he should try to manage it better, with your support. For example, with the checking on how the drop off went, could you suggest switching it around, by reassuring him that you’d let you know immediately if there was any problem. With the back door, would it help if the gate onto the road is more secure?

And on the back door, do you not have it open in the summer while in the garden? What’s the difference?

It comes down to risk management. I live in a city area with high crime rates. But I don’t lock my back door if I’m in the house. It’s a terrace, so the only people who can access my backyard are neighbours I know and trust. Yes, a knife-wielding maniac could jump over several 10 foot fences and burst into my kitchen while I’m cooking. But so could a jet flying over drop from the sky.

I agree with you OP. My frilont door is locked. Back (side) door into the back garden us nit. It's open for weeks in the day time in the summer. Locked before Ed or of I go out

I don't need him to make sure I'm safe.

Do people feel unsafe on a daily basis?

Do people let their kids play in the garden? Surely you could turn your back or go to the loo and your kid could be snatched?

My kids are in and out of the garden throughout the year really. As am I. Bit of weeding. Picking up leaves. Putting stuff in the outside bins.

I'm surprised at responses but can see my DH view is common.

@LotteryFights - you wrote "I'm at home. I'm sitting 1 metre from the door. I don't need it locked." Your husband does though. Why are your requirements on having the door locked/unlocked more important than yours?

Can I ask, if you went to the loo (so you weren't 1 meter from the door) and someone entered your house from the back door, would your home insurance be invalid because the door wasn't locked?

@Isatis You don't need to ask me whether drop-off went OK. Please assume that it has gone OK unless I tell you otherwise.

Well, that's obviously flawed. I mean, if she and the kids were abducted by Martians, or she drove into a volcanic sinkhole by the Co-op, or she just, on a whim, decided to run away with the circus and take the kids with her (to train as clowns), and their arrangement was to call only if something didn't go okay, then he wouldn't find out till teatime.

Then he'd be under suspicion.

Police sergeant: So you didn't hear from your wife after what should have been the school drop-off?

Husband: No. She only calls me if there's a problem. Otherwise I just assume the drop-off has gone okay.

Police sergeant: Are you telling me that, in the absence of a call from your wife to say that everything's okay, you simply assume that it is?

Husband: Yes! I mean, I don't like it. But she says that's the way we have to do it!

Police sergeant: Oh, she says that, does she? So, it's been nine hours since the supposed school drop-off and there's no sign of your wife and children. Tell me, sir, what do you think might have happened to them?

Husband: Well, I can only assume that, on a whim, she decided to run away with a circus and take the kids with her (to train as clowns).

Police sergeant: Pathetic. ...Book him, Danno.

I think he’s just very anxious and fearful of anything happening to any of you. That’s at the crux of all of this, he doesn’t have a buffer or trust that life can be okay and everything can be fine. Something tragic might have happened in his life ? And ruined that sense of innocence most people have where it’s hard to imagine something going wrong ?

Hes just terrified of anything happening to his family and that stems from loving you all so much and feeling a sense of protection and responsibility.

I am also anxious like this and being locked in and having someone check locks would make me feel secure, one less thing for me to check/more peace of mind.

Don’t understand why he moans about the back door being unlocked if the garden is secure? My back door is constantly open in good weather. Have you told him to stop harassing you about drop off every single morning?

His anxiety is not your problem (well, it is because he’s making it so) and that needs to stop. I don’t have time to check my phone at work, let alone message back. Sounds like he needs therapy. The same message every morning would drive me nuts, as would the constant questioning of why the door is open. I can’t understand why most people have voted UR; it sounds stifling and controlling.

No.

Don’t understand why he moans about the back door being unlocked if the garden is secure? My back door is constantly open in good weather. Have you told him to stop harassing you about drop off every single morning?

His anxiety is not your problem (well, it is because he’s making it so) and that needs to stop. I don’t have time to check my phone at work, let alone message back. Sounds like he needs therapy. The same message every morning would drive me nuts, as would the constant questioning of why the door is open. I can’t understand why most people have voted UR; it sounds stifling and controlling.

That I would have an issue with. This one doesn't make sense. You put your presents (even wrapped cardboard boxes) under the tree. Your home insurance should generally include an increase in the value of general contents by about 10% in the run up to Christmas and New Year for the very reason that you have gifts etc. in the house.
He needs to get his anxiety issues under control, sooner rather than later.

I will check.

The back door can't be seen from the road. So if someone managed to time it so they could get into the garden at the back, run across the garden to the back door, and then wait in the bushes until they saw me go for a wee and then snuck in to steal something.....

Then I guess I'd have to suck it up.

Do I feel anxious no bit then I apply reasonable security sense🤷‍♀️. And one of those reasonable things is to lock a door which is accessible to the public 🤷‍♀️

My cousin’s family who lived on the top floor 6th floor flat went out Christmas Eve, when they came home the place was empty of presents. No one could see into her home, yet it wasn’t hidden.