To hate that he locks the door when we're home

[LotteryFights]

Our front door is always locked as it goes straight onto the road & we never use it. Instead we use the backdoor was goes out to the garden and then through the garden gate onto a side road where the car is parked.

H is highly anxious. For example every single morning without fail he messages me saying 'drop off ok?' (I drop the kids off before I go to work) and i have to write 'yes' or he'll call me and i'll be in meetings and he calls and calls.

When he leaves the house at the weekend and me and DC (primary school) are home, we are in the back room/snug thing which is where the back door is and he will leave by this door and then use his key to lock the back door from the outside. Of course I'm not locked in as I can just unlock it but it's so weird to me. We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

And then when he comes back and it's unlocked as i've popped into garden - he will ask why it's unlocked. He's not angry but he's geniunely expecting a response - and I find myself explaining myself to him like a kid!

He think I'm the weird one and he's keeping us safe. I makes me uncomfortable - which he says is my issue.

AIBU to feel hate it?

I'm with you, OP. I'm not locking myself in my own home just in case. I didn't even when I lived alone and 1/4 mile away from the nearest neighbour. I'm sure not going to now I live in a street with others in the house.

But then, any intruder is going to find themselves on the wrong side of 30kg of barking, growling dog. So, there's that.

Once you've been burgled because someone has just walked into your house (the most common method) while you were in the loo, you'll feel differently the rest of your life.

@LotteryFights it strikes me you at are at both ends of the scale and need to find a compromise - based on where you live as well

but his anxiety around drop off isn’t healthy and he needs to manage that and take into account how you feel too

You are being unreasonable about keeping the doors locked as a general rule, but your husband is unreasonable about wanting the back door locked when you are downstairs and you and your children are in and out of the house. Maybe his extra anxiety is caused by your much more relaxed attitude.
Whatever the case, I understand your frustration and hope that the two of you can find some solution. Your OH needs to deal with his anxiety levels soon or how will he cope when the children are teenagers?

To those living in naice, secluded, quiet, upmarket areas, I'd say thieves/burglars would be more inclined to give YOUR house a try than a rundown place in a rundown area. Correct?

So forget about living in a nice area. Burglars are opportunists and many of them use vans and bikes to case out potentially rich pickings where there is easy access.

Common sense is all that's required, not a jail.

You don't lock the doors when the house is occupied?! It does feel like being locked in.
Maybe he had a burglary or something when he was younger and it's made him hyper vigilant.
It's actually dangerous to lock doors with people inside unnecessarily in case of fire.
I hope he can try and calm down a bit about it.

I’m with your DH. I’ve had someone try to enter through the back door where I used to live. Opportunistic thief I imagine. Thank goodness it was locked.

@LotteryFights Maybe look at counselling or talking through where his anxiety is coming from?

Whilst some of those are sensible enough requests from him it does seem to take over his life (and yours) a bit.

what does he think will happen if he doesn’t ask about you getting to school every day? What will happen if you can freely walk in and out of your home for a few hours? What’s the likelihood of the bad things happening? What news is he taking in and watching. Does he obsess over doom and gloom stuff? What’s his family and upbringing like?

Has he experienced something when he was younger that’s made him this way?

Lock your door. Be safe.

This is normal for me OP and my DC a friends are and out of each other’s houses all the time. I’m finding most of these replies really weird to be honest.

Anyway just wanted you to know I don’t think you’re irresponsible - or at least if you are, so am I.

Personally for me it wouldn’t be the locking of the door per-se they would bother me but the constant questioning and checking up on me. I personally would find that very controlling, but it seems like I am in the minority here!

It sounds simply that he sees it as a part of keeping the family safe along with the phone call checks.
And not wrong either.

I ask my partner to lock me in if he goes out. It's a shit world and I don't feel safe without all doors locked.

Also completely normal. In fact it’s sensible, as it keeping your door locked.

I always lock my doors.

1 because I used to have a neighbour who’d let herself in.

And 2 because my dog would take herself out for a walk whenever she felt like it.

I don’t have the neighbour or dog anymore but now it’s habit.

I am a bit anxious and my mum has OCD so I think I’ve picked up some bad habits like making sure plugs are switched off etc and it’s something I need to reduce as my DD is picking up on it.

I would be annoyed that he’s texting like that but tbh I’ve texted similar messages and you can’t concentrate until you know the answer.
I have only done it a couple of times though.

I would concentrate on the dropping the kids off text.
Tell how it makes you feel and that you will ring him if there have been any problems.
Or if that’s too much then ask him to increase the time it takes for him to message you about it.

Anxiety like this is awful and it’s something to do with having kids and being on constant alert/protection mode.

Loads of burglaries at Christmas time for presents. Keep them hidden

That doesn’t have to be the nature of the interaction. You can say ‘I want it unlocked and will not be locking it while I do XYZ’. Same as the updates - if you don’t want to do them, say that and then stop.

The real issue here seems to be your inability to assert yourself.

This is incorrect, my partner fell asleep on the sofa one night and didn’t lock our door, we were burgled and both cars taken. Insurances didn’t even asked, just took the crime number and paid us a week or so later. Nobody has the right to enter your home either via an unlocked door or by force

Really, drop off at school?

I'd be turning my mobile off and asking the headteacher to phone my place of work on the landline if there was a school issue. He's batty.

I'm with you OP. I am pretty anal about having the front door locked, as it leads out onto a road where anyone could walk in. The back door however leads into a garden that is pretty secure, with a gate we keep locked, so in the daytime if we are in it is generally unlocked. It does sound like your DH is very anxious and can see how that would get stifling very quickly.

It's completely normal to keep doors locked when at home - most houses I've lived in, the door automatically locks when you close it. I'm not an anxious person but it seems a small and sensible precaution, both to keep others out and children inside. And it saves having to remember to lock up when going to bed, we know it's locked because the last person who came home would have closed and locked it. You can unlock the door from indoors without a key so it's not a fire hazard.

Our back door is always locked although theres no easy access to it from any paths (but it could be possible for someone to climb over a neighbour's fence). So it's kept locked. And we have concrete stairs out there, so dc's are always supervised. We'd keep it unlocked while they play outside but then it's locked again when they come in.

To be honest I am the same. So many opportunists out there. I keep the presents in the loft until christmas morning. I couldn't bear the thought of having to source them all again if they were stolen.

I mean the texts would annoy me as I'd feel as if he didn't think I was capable of getting the kids to school.
The door thing, I wouldn't be arsed about. I've been in all day, my partner is at work. He locked the front door when he left, I'm sitting about 6ft awah from the back door, but it's also locked, and always is unless we're actively going in/out...

I always have my doors locked snd when I had a partner if one of us went out leaving the other at home we would lock the door on the way out. It's normal to me unless you like break ins/unexpected visitors.

Yabu. Perhaps some of it is a bit OTT but we're all different. I would be the same as your dh tbh, I don't think he's trying to infantilise I think he's just more of a worrier than you.

What is it like for crime where you live? It is hight where I am. I keep my front door locked and chained and my back door (which is reinforced with metal) triple locked due to one burglary and two attempted break ins (one of which involved a man trying to smash his way in through the back window while I was in the bath!) Hence I am very conscious of having everything locked all the time I also have a lock on my back gate and there is another lock on the communal entry gate to the shared back alley. Bin day is a real pain with all those locks and gates to open.