MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

I wonder if you have actual real problems (young 1st baby, husband decided to bin off his income) and you are distracting yourself by focussing on a non problem (woman who is not you buys clothes you think are a waste with money that isn’t yours). I do this. I absolutely lost my mind once over a catflap.

If it’s not this and you are genuinely upset that you have been given a gift (for a ONE year old) when you would prefer a different gift then you need to give your head a wobble. It’s honestly ridiculous. Your kid doesn’t need another coat but he also doesn’t need a ride on car and you aren’t buying either.

You missed the statistics course:
75 % YABU 25 % YANBU

I had same situation. In the end I just let it slide. Mil is way better now, always asking for ideas etc. She was a great mil so I wasn't willing to fall out over it. I did cry one Christmas adding up what she spent. Donated them & said at least the charity benefit.

I tell you what, as someone who is a new grandmother, I am bloody well terrified of what I am going to be doing that gets me a starring role in a MIL bashing thread on mumsnet.
When my own children were small, money was very tight for us, so we couldn't really afford good stuff for them. I was so grateful for any gifts they got because it saved us precious money!.
With my tiny little granddaughter I now do have money so I will be buying nice things for her. I will ask her parents if there is something she needs, and if they tell me great, but I may just decide on a whim to buy some lovely clothes because those little baby shops have some wonderful stuff that I could not afford to buy when my own were babies.

Is there more to this? Is it possible she thinks your DH should just get a job to buy toys?

Be gracious. Smile. Be grateful.
It's her pleasure and she's showing her love.
Do a photo of your DC wearing the clothes for her.
And just be happy your child has a loving grandparent.

I get it, it’s frustrating but it seems to be a grandparent thing to buy outfits that are wildly inappropriate for every day life. They just want photos to show to their friends. Be grateful for a North face coat. My poor DS has had a number of outfits that would rival victorian royalty but we’ve taken the photos and look forward to embarrassing DS when he’s older with them.

I think all of this is heightened by the fact money is tight because this isn’t so much a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Accept the gifts, take a couple of photos and then put them straight on Vinted. Also don’t stress about the £100 ride on car - it’ll be wasted on a 1 year old (I mean this nicely but they’ll be just as thrilled with the wrapping paper 😅)

You’re just being awkward

Not a hill I would die on tbh
Just say thank you and move on
When my niece was born 20 years ago I didn't have DC and i spent a fortune buying clothes from the White Company
Once i had my own kids I realised I had been a bit silly ,but I think I would have been a bit hurt if my Sis had said anything
TBF I also bought her cot and started a savings account for her which she will get next year on her 21st

Gran wants to buy clothes, you have stated your preference but gran prefers to buy what she enjoys which is fair enough. As baby grows she will probably want to buy what will get excited reaction from them.

Wear the stuff you can, exchange/sell what you don't use.

I'm sure that he will be OK without a £100 ride on car, but it appears that OP's MIL only wants to buy inappropriately expensive gifts (e.g. £80 North Face coat for a 1 year old who already has 2 winter coats) which is why she suggested a more expensive toy.

Exactly this👆

All you need to do is say thank you OP, it really is that simple.

They might be picking up your ingratitude so the more you try to tell them how to spend their money, the more they're pushing back and determined to spend their money how they want.

It's tempting to think "if they wanted to help why don't they just give us the money" but you are not entitled to anything from them, and what they do give you is a bonus, quite literally "a gift".

The OP is coming across as quite controlling in recent replies.

MIL gets to decide what to spend her money on.

Sell them on vinted and use the money for toys. Problem solved. Never crossed my mind to dictate to my family what they should buy for my son. I was just grateful for the gift.

But you know that, even if the vote is massively against the OP, she still has no obligation to take their advice on board? In fact, the rudeness of some posts will probably make her double down on her decision.

You are being so unreasonable. You can't dictate what one person buys another - it's a gift. That's literally what a gift is.

Perhaps you can make suggestions if it's a gift for you, but even then you have to accept what they buy. You certainly can't dictate gifts from others for your child.

What have I just read??

There are worse things than someone buying your child a good quality winter coat at the start of winter when they will be wearing one every day for probably at least the next 4 months. It’s hardly inappropriate.

Of course she has no obligation. But hopefully seeing that most people can't understand her way of thinking might be enough for her to wonder is she in fact being unreasonable. There's no excuse for people being rude.

Dig out the most expensive looking clothes from the bundle that you don't think you'll use.

I'd put the clothes on dc (keep tags on if poss and out of sight if camera lense) and take photos that look like they came from various days (ie make changes to your own clothes if you're in the pic or the background so it looks like different days) and toys dc is playing with (no food) and prepare to send the photos over twice a week for the next few weeks of 'dc enjoying playing with teddy wearing his new xyz" ow whatever so they can see him.

Remove clothes immediately before they get manky.

Then sell clothes as brand new with tags. As they are. They've only been tried on once. I favour eBay, or Vinted or whatever.

Keep money and buy toys.

If DH is up for it, he could ask his dad for a £100 loan to buy a ride on car for dc. That may prompt a 'gift' of it?

Forgot to say you need to use some clothes and be seen to be doing so!

Your mil is kind. She's trying to help. Even misguidedly.

So a loving grandma buys a few clothes for her dgc. It's hardly unusual.

If you don't need them, donate them to the nearest charity shop which will be delighted.

It is up to your mil how she spends her money, and she obviously gets pleasure from it. Why are you trying to control her and deny her that pleasure?

And today's prize for the best 'Not Reading the OP But Replying Anyway Just So I Can Tell The OP They Are Wrong' post goes to...

Honestly, I think if your husband was bringing in an income (whether or employed or self-employed) this would at best be a slight niggle.

The fact that this is stressing you out so much is on your DH and the pressure he's put the family under financially.

Is it easier to feel angry at your MIL rather than your DH for the financial situation or yourself for agreeing to it?