MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

It's frustrating when people buy you stuff that you just don't need.

But you can't stop them.

I'd just take them, use them or regift them.

And if they ask if your dd has worn them, say yes. And plod on.

Sorry your ds

Just let it go and pass on the beautiful baby clothes to someone else who will use them once your baby has grown out of them, or hold on to them if you are planning to have another child one day. It’s not a big deal

I think you need to let it go. Just put the clothes in usual rotation, let him wear them for nursery. The expensive coat will sell well on Vinted even after being worn (they grow so fast it will still be in good condition).

I would be wondering if finances are as tight as you're saying though- if you were struggling wouldn't your husband have got a job instead of starting a business which may take a long time to get an income in.

then that's £200 wasted rather than being spent on lots of other toys or items

It’s not your money!!! You don’t get to decide how it’s spent and whether it’s wasted.

Honestly your attitude is extremely entitled. Ever heard the expression “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”?

I couldn't be bothered getting so het up about this. They are your husbands parents so let him deal,with them.

? I'm genuinely confused.

A gift is something that is decided on by the giver. It's for them to give what they want to give.

You seem to be treating it like a kind of shopping order - where Tesco ignores your selection and substitutes with something else!

It's a different kind of interaction. If someone has given you something, then you say thank you for the fact that they bothered to do it. If the gift isn't up your street, then don't use it or even resell it. But don't try to control everyone around you by lying down the law about what they should and should not buy.

Tell them he’s between sizes and ask for a gift receipt, and then return them! Keep one and make sure they see him wearing it.

Let him wear the expensive clothes until he grows out of them and then stick them on vinted and spend the money on second hand toys that he needs.

If some clothes get ruined that's fine. It's their money they've wasted, not yours. They want to buy the clothes, not the toys.

You really can't dictate how other people spend their money.
No matter what way you look at it they're saving you money by clothing your child and providing you with something you can sell on to buy other things. Use the money you generate by selling the used clothes and the money you've saved by not having to buy as many clothes to buy the things you need.

Nope I got the reply bang on. You just don’t like being told by multiple people that you are being unreasonable and very ungrateful.

You’re not even thinking of it as feeling bad for them for wasting their money. Just about them disrespecting you.

Your MIL clearly takes joy in buying clothes and her pleasure is more important to her than your wishes. It's either that or she feels you're neglecting her grandchild , the comment "I know you like to buy Vinted clothing" makes me think she doesn't like second hand clothing (my MIL is the same but she's lovely so she tries to hide her feelings and always asks what the children need).
I think you can't win so you will just have to sell it and buy the toys yourself. It's a waste of money though because you can't resell it for the price she paid so I understand your frustration..

You can't dictate what other people buy as gifts. You can suggest but ultimately family gifts are just bonus things for your child, you can't really get annoyed that they're not providing the things you aren't. It's not their job to buy toys for your child because you can't afford them. It would be nice if they understood, but perhaps buying toys isn't their comfort zone - my dad would struggle to choose toys, for example. In future, maybe suggest specific items if you haven't already, but at the end of the day it's up to them what they gift.

You seem to be treating it like a kind of shopping order - where Tesco ignores your selection and substitutes with something else!

This!! Then calling the in-laws selfish and disrespectful. Unbelievable.

OP seems to think she is entitled to gifts; that it’s her money and she gets to decide how it’s spent. No idea where a person gets these ideas from??

The problem is that baby clothes are so frickin cute! I just don’t think this is a hill to die on. My niece has a simple rule for when her daughter goes to spend time with Mil - return her alive. Not much else matters.

But who has time for this? Going around the shops returning stuff with a one year in tow. This is why there is always a MIL dilemma. If you told your own parents your request they are actually likely to listen to you and try and try and make your life easier. Why can't in-laws just be like this.

Yes the giver has joy in giving what they want but why not listen to the new parents caring for your DGS day in day out and be more respectful to their wishes and try and make their lives easier.

Stop being ungrateful. Just let him wear the clothes it’s not your money that is being ‘wasted’ so what.

OP: AIBU?
99% of replies: YES
OP: No I'm not.

Ok.

The 11 month old will be absolutely fine without a £100 ride on car.
If the baby has no toys to play with that’s on the parents not the grandma!

The reality is the child actually probably has lots to play with as the OP had mentioned buying toys, her family buying toys and giving family a list to buy from. It’s most likely just another reason to bash her MIL.

Notice how it’s never the son’s moaning about what his parents buy?

Loads of posters have been really rude to the OP. Such faux outrage is ridiculous.

The bottom line is that’s it’s not your money to spend so you can’t dictate on what they decide to spend it on.

You’ve earmarked funds that aren’t yours to spend on XYZ because you’ve decided you don’t need expensive clothes. That’s not how gift giving works. They want to buy clothes for their grandson so you have to let it go. It’s not your money.

She wants to buy her grandchild some nice clothes, there’s absolutely no harm in that. You should accept them gracefully and dress your child in them when she sees them.
I just get a controlling undertone from you and that you don’t like your MIL much.

I didn’t! 🤣

Yes, I agree. The in-laws mean well. Take a photo of him in a couple of outfits to give to them, then either return or sell what you don't want.

When he is older he will no doubt request some good clothes so don't put the grandparents off too much now.

I think there are quite a few hard of understanding people on this thread.

The OP’s DS does not need clothes. He needs toys. OP and her DH are hard up so have explicitly said please can we have toys for him as he needs some.

MIL is choosing to ignore this on purpose.

It’s not remotely rude to be put out by this, OP. Stick the clothes on Vinted and use the money to get your DS some toys!