MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

Why on earth would you do that. This isn't Instagram there's no need to stage different days

My MIL is a compulsive clothes buyer and keeps the receipts so I just donate them unopened. I never got into the pretend nonsense of sending her pics of the kids in clothes I don't like. I don't even thank her as I've made it so clear I don't want it. Your kid isn't a doll for her to play with and she's the one wasting resources, don't feel obliged to take responsibility for her junk.

Why is the DMIL not being helpful and trying to make life easier for her DS and DDil? Lots of poster have said just put on Vinted. It's yet another mental load, negotiating a price, packing, posting when all that could be avoided if Dils just listened and stop thinking about what gives them joy rather than what's being asked for instead of the unwanted clothes. Why isn't the DS saying anything or putting the clothes on Vinted-its a mental load men just don't take and don't drive the message home to their own parents-even despite the fact that OPs DH isn't working at the moment!

You can’t control what other people spend money on. You can say ‘oh I’m sure the local charity shop will appreciate these donations!’ when given the gifts if you want to get your point across. Will likely also cause an argument, so I’d just say thanks then get rid of them myself.

I would hate that too. I wouldn't bother putting them on him even once, they'd be straight on Vinted unworn with the tags in my house. Sounds like you've got enough for a shop!

The people who are saying you should be grateful and she's trying to be nice are very naive. It's a method of control that will no doubt appear or be spread in different forms. My MIL escalated so much I ended up banning her from my house. Her thinking she knew best had cost me thousands by that point from her meddling with things like gutters and TVs that she considered she was helping with and broke. She wanted to dictate what my partner wore, what his hair was like, expressed disapproval at any number of things and if we didn't immediately change them she went crying to other members of the family with a made up story.

If you think it's bad now with clothes, it will be horrible when he's older and she's judging you and criticising a lot more, and a lot more obviously.

@Busybeemumm Why isn't the DS saying anything or putting the clothes on Vinted-its a mental load men just don't take and don't drive the message home to their own parents-even despite the fact that OPs DH isn't working at the moment!

Because he clearly doesn’t care what his mum buys for the baby! He would probably just stick him in the £80 winter coat and not think anymore about it if it wasn’t for OP constantly going on about it.

That’s absolutely fine, but don’t be surprised if they’re not worn/donated/exchanged if they’re not wanted. You can buy whatever you want but can’t control what people do with them.

The thing is we’re (mostly, I assume) mums here and we get that it feels like a waste of money but the bottom line is that it isn’t your money and you don’t get to dictate how it’s spent.

So we’re not ‘missing the point’. You are.

Precisely - spend the energy supporting her DH in his business endeavours, not railing against someone buying a gift, which in the scheme of things, IS inconsequential.

Absolutely correct, but a bit sad if I am honest. I am hoping I have a better relationship with my son and daughter in law than loads of you on here.

Don’t worry, I’m sure you have .

Mother in law can't do right for wrong. I am sure whatever she bought you would find fault with. As a grandmother I take pleasure in buying something a bit special for my grandchildren that their parents might not afford. Fortunately my children and in laws have been brought up properly and are always very grateful.

OP - I think you're getting. a lot of flack for using 'disrespect' in the title of your post. What your DMiL is doing is ignoring your wishes. I get that this is really annoying when money is tight but it's not disrespect - she's not a child. As an adult, she's got every right to spend her money the way she wants to. Your DC is only a year old, she'll probably tone down the manic clothes buying at some point and you may laugh about it in the future. But you're all in this for the long-term - your DP, your PiL and you. Try not to let the money you feel is being wasted get to you and try (however hard it may feel) to see the positives in having an engaged, loving MiL.

I actually think trying to dictate what gifts someone buys is really disrespectful and quite controlling. Asking politely is okay in some circumstances but getting so angry that someone else has spent their own money on something they wanted to buy is completely ridiculous.

I would not worry TBH. It is better to give than receive as they say.MIL probably gets great pleasure from this.Gifts should be well received ,you wouldnt like it if they didnt buy anything! Just wear them to Nursery ,take a couple of pics to send her, Maybe get Santa to send some nice toys instead .

OP, you're being too aggressive in responses and need to calm down. It's OK for people to disagree with you, the point of the forum is to get lots of input. You don't have to agree that you're being stubborn by deciding not to use your son's gifts, but the easy way to answer that is by showing some openness to using anything that does turn out to be practical. DS used a winter coat age 1, 2 and 3... then the neighbour's child used it for 2 winters, depending on the style you may get more wear than you think. He only wore a fancy dress outfit 6 times before growing out, but that's fine too, it made him happy those times.

At 1-2, your child needs some musical instruments, easy jigsaws, chewable everything and a few teddies. Playing with a range of fabrics and other textures can be anything round the house; make your own busy board and set out some painting. He doesn't "need" a ride-on car and you'll find when he's properly able to play with things age 2-3 that they'll be more inclined to buy toys. Perhaps those will suddenly be the "wrong" toys, but in loving families sometimes you need to just say thank you and carry on with your day.

I would just go with it. When you have kids birthdays near Xmas, and relatives just want you to tell them what the kids want - you end up choosing and wrapping all the presents from all the people to all the people, which is a massive joy killer!!

Dear PIL as you know we have had to re-budget finances this year with our new business. Our DC really does not need any new clothes for his birthday or Christmas, however, please find the following links of toys we would love them to have. Please tell us which toy you're getting as we will let other family members know what they can get.

Clear, directional and also they have to acknowledge it.

I do prefer a more subtle way of asking for gifts by the way. Telling them he's seemingly obsessed with Brio or Duplo at nursery (or whatever he's into), send photo of him looking delighted with it... then leave grandparent imaginations to make the leap to buying that for him.

Harmonious relationships with in laws are achieved by taking a step back and accepting their quirks and getting your dh to deal with them. It doesn’t sound like they are malicious or overbearing

never end up in the position where you by default are the one talking to them about the kids etc.

This

You don’t get to dictate other people’s gifts. If your child needs toys, buy him some yourself.

Buying actively unhelpful or useless gifts is also controlling. You wouldn't buy a vegan a side of salmon, likewise buying more coats when someone already has 3 and will outgrow the current and new ones within 3 months is wasteful too

Most people don't want to have the hassle of sticking every gift on vinted and getting far less than it's worth. They want a gift where they were actually thought about and it was wanted/useful.

Off topic a little… I would note that the White Company baby clothes are brilliant. We had a smattering of them as gifts and they lasted far and looked comfier and nicer than the bog standard clothes we bought our DCs.

So much so that they had the White Company PJs until they grew out of them. That was a sad day.

So you would really have been cutting your own nose off not to use them and give your DC the benefit of lovely quality baby clothes. But hey, you stuck to your principles and really taught that disrespectful old bag a lesson.

You need to think of the bigger picture. And your husband needs to get a job. And YABU.

Honestly in years to come you will be saying exactly the same about toys when you are swamped with plastic tat. At least clothes are useful even if it sounds like she is not buying the most practical. Like others have said, pick your battles and just sell what you don't use.