MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

I think your dh needs to communicate with his mum better. "Thanks for the thought mum, but ds doesn't need any new clothes as we have plenty to see him through this size. As you know I was laid off in July but what you might not know is that money is really tight and we're struggling to buy ds new toys. Would you mind returning some of the clothes that he won't get much use out of and instead put the money to [insert toy]"

It sounds like she wants to spend a fair bit of money so instead of cheap toys that may not have the wow factor she is looking for, what about giving her something to get that will be quite impressive as well as providing your son with years of entertainment? E.g. toy kitchen from ikea, teepee style play tent, brio train set, toy cars/garage.

You’re really ungrateful and sucking all the joy out of gift giving for them. Do you tell your friends what to buy you for a birthday present? No? Then stop doing it to the ILs. What’s wrong with your baby having nice new clothes once in a while?

Not really. Surely the whole point of Mumsnet is to enable posters to vent anonymously online about annoying/upsetting things that are going on in their lives. OP is under no obligation to take any suggestions on board, particularly if the posters are rude to them. Some posters get very frustrated if the OP isn't swayed by their arguments.

You sound like a delight 🤣

I understand you think these clothes are not what you would spend your money on but your MIL thinks in a different way.A baby doesn’t need a North Face jacket as you already have 2 jackets.Could you suggest she buys shoes which are so expensive and takes him to the shop if they live near you or gives you a voucher for Clarks? Perhaps that is a win win for you both.If you need toys look on Marketplace.

I totally get your point and why, but have voted YABU.
This is a common problem and you can choose to let it annoy you, or you take the gift graciously and either use the clothes or sell them after an obligatory photo.
The goodwill of your family is worth more, it really is.
It's not setting a boundary to dictate what gifts you're willing to accept for your child - it's actually pretty rude. They love your child and this is how they enjoy to show it. They're not babies for long.
I think it's an early lesson in how you can't control everything in your childs life. Let it go.

YANBU. I’d find this really frustrating. Clothes are a shit present for a 1 year old unless you asked for them. Stick them on Vinted and buy toys. That’s what I do!
edit to add, I would not be opening them to pose for pictures. If she asked for pictures I’d say sorry, we didn’t need clothes so we sold them to buy toys which we did need. She can’t be annoyed when she was told this in the first place. Posing for pictures is just encouraging her.

Be gracious! Accept with thanks and try and enjoy the clothes - wear a few and sell a few. Send some nice pics in the clothes you do put your baby in. You cannot dictate how they chose to spoil their grand child. Take it with the kindness intended. You buy your child toys if they need them!

I agree.
Personally I'd just suck it up and say thank you.

However if you feel so strongly about it
Why doesn't your mil's offspring- your partner- have a word with her and their siblings.
It's their family going against your wishes.

I have a very similar issue!

To get round it, we buy almost no clothes for the kids ourselves. If we had been bought a pile of clothes from the white company, they wouldn't have been kept for best - they would just be everyday clothes. Would I spend that amount on clothes to be trashed? Absolutely not, but if they want to I can't stop them really.

And if I'm sending my kids to nursery in Bon Point so be it 😂

YABU. Graciously accept their gifts, you can't dictate what people buy. Look on Facebook free sites for some toys if you need them.

This isn’t a hill to die on and in 10 years you will likely look back and laugh at yourself, She isn’t buying anything dangerous or inappropriate, accept the gifts, smile and say thank you and let your dc wear them like any other clothes and then pad or sell them on.

When that baby is a tween/teen you will be glad to have a MIL who is happy to splash out on Nike/North Face/White Fox or whatever is in fashion then.

Hello. It sounds like you want her to fulfill needs rather than buy a gift of her choice. You’re not wrong and I understand where you’re coming from, but I think she’s just trying to buy things she thinks are nice.Unless there’s some back story (which maybe there is) I don’t know if it needs to be taken so personally and as ‘disrespect’. Best wishes.

This.

Yup this is what I've suggested and this is why I made a list of some examples in case she was struggling to know what to buy (not in any way to dictate what she should buy toy wise just to give some ideas / be helpful). One thing on there is a £100 ride on car if she wants to splash out. This would give out son endless enjoyment over an £80 coat he could wear for 2 months, and when he already has two winter coats...

So because you are having financial difficulties, everyone should act like they are too?
If you are so against the expensive clothes, take a picture of him in them and sell them on eBay and buy food, then dress him in stuff from the grocery store.
You are being very judgemental about what others buy your child for special occasions. You inlaws sound very generous

If you really don't want them take them back to the stores and see if they will exchange for a voucher to use on something else.
If you had of said you are ideologically opposed to new clothes for environmental reasons I think this is one thing - you are coming across you don't like your inlaws.

Oh gosh OP, I had a similar issue as well. In laws always buying kids clothes they didn't need (only difference was they were very cheap polyester ones from pound shops). We kept politely declining and asking them to be returned as not needed and they finally got the message. Except they then moved onto cheap toys. Anyway we kept asking said toys to be kept at in-laws homes to be played with kids visit and stay over.

I get it- it's not the clothes or toys per se but you feel like the message isn't being received or being ignored which feels disrespectful to you.

I would nip this in the bud as your child is only one and it's important to get those boundaries clear so everyone so happier long term.

She does have more serious things to worry about as her DH lost his job and is setting up a new business which isn't making any money. Her 1 year old son doesn't need a North Face winter coat which MIL is planning to buy as he already has two coats. He does need toys which her MIL refuses to buy. I'm sure that if money wasn't tight, OP would accept the ridiculously expensive clothes as she could afford to buy the toys herself.

You can’t dictate what gifts people buy you! Gift giving is also a pleasure for the people buying and giving and people like buying cute baby clothes. I understand you don’t value doing this yourself , but why deny your in-laws that pleasure? Babies wear clothes. Thank MIL. Use the the clothes . Take photos for your MIL and then sell them on when baby grows out of them which will take about 5 mins anyway. Honestly why create drama / conflict over nothing.

Even if OP had ideological reasons for not wanting new clothes, she still would not be reasonable to demand that others fall in line with her beliefs! She can request, but she doesn't get to demand. That is not how life works.

You are so rude!! There’s absolutely no need to speak to people like that.

And you're rude to tell someone they are stubborn and rude for not wearing clothes when you don't have any idea of the full picture

Agree with this.