MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

OP is clearly a conscious consumer. Nothing she has said pertains to buying stained clothing, simply that she doesn't see the value in expensive brand new clothing for babies who outgrow it within 3 months - and neither do I!! I never bought anything new for my daughter until she turned 2 years old. Everything was from ebay/vinted/charity shops just like OP is suggesting and she never once looked scruffy!

According to you. I've had these conversations with people before..it turns out they just have lower standards when it comes to kids..

But that's the point. He isn't old enough to appreciate the clothes now. He is old enough to appreciate toys that help him develop and help the parents to entertain him on a rainy day. Would be different if he was 7 and had a penchant for superhero outfits and that's what MIL was buying (but by the sounds of this MIL she won't listen to her grandsons wants and needs anyway and will just buy impractical items she likes)

According to you.

Do you/would you iron your kids uniform? If the answer isn't yes of course, you're exactly who I mean.

Come on this is ridiculous!

”do not align with their family values”

• they are not buying guns - it’s baby clothes.

Honestly why are people just so awful to their extended family- particularly in laws?
Why sweat the small stuff like this and turn what should be a little pleasure for MIL- trawling the shops and buying a cute outfit for her grandson - into an issue so fraught with conflict and unpleasantness?

When her first DGC was born my mil sent me several boxes of baby clothes she had been storing in her loft for 30+ years. All stuff she had knitted herself from the 80s. I’ll leave you imagine how hideous? 😂. DP and I thanked her, laughed about it, Pulled out a couple of vaguely tolerable items to put baby in and now they are in our attic. A bit annoying that we are now responsible for storing / disposing of them, but it’s not the end of the world if it gives grandma a little pleasure . My MIL is a sweetheart. I’m grateful for her

Some people get so caught up with being ‘right’ they make silly rules that alienate others. Then wonder why they’ve got no visitors or babysitters. It’s a daft reason to get het up about, let alone feel disrespected. It’s children’s clothes. They feel like they’re buying something more special than a couple of baby grows. Why the drama?

People are allowed to have rules with their own kids - it's called boundaries. And more PIL should learn to respect them rather than stomp all over them so they can get their own way.

Stomp all over boundaries = buy a nice coat?

This thread really is peak Mumsnet 😆😆😆. People in real life don't all hate their mothers in law, and I've never met anyone who would complain about a grandparent buying some lovely new clothes for their grandchild. Even if they would have preferred that the money was spent on something else, they wouldn't be as downright rude about as some of the posters on here. It gives many grandparents great pleasure to buy clothes and other presents and even if you normally buy used clothing, surely it's nice to have something new instead?

Assuming they can afford it, why can't people accept that some, probably most, parents and grandparents want to see their children dressed in nice new clothes rather than secondhand?

Because they don't need another winter coat as they have 2 others and the baby will grow out of them all within months (so is a complete waste of anyone's money). Most people would prefer for someone not to spend their hard earned money on unwanted stuff that has no benefit and just keep the money.

They are lacking on funds at the moment and would prefer to have something to help the baby mentally grow and develop, rather than another duplicate item which they will probably have to sell at a fraction of the RRP to stop it cluttering up the home.

I know. This “boundaries” thing is completely misunderstood by people. People seem to think it means - you have to do what I want at all times. Thats not what it means.
Boundaries are about what you yourself do, its not about setting rules for others

Totally agree. And the White Company baby things are gorgeous - tasteful, not flashy and honestly not wildly high end or impractical, and perfectly ok for nursery.

Gifts are gifts op, not a financial extraction from relatives that you get to dictate.

I think it sounds a lovely gift and tbh you are being a bit high-handed and ungrateful. Doting relatives can be well worth keeping onside op. Life can take turns so that a pile of ( beautiful quality) baby clothes are the least of your worries. You might be glad you were gracious.

Unless the clothes they are buying are ugly/not to your taste I would just go with the flow. If and when your child grows out of them sell them on vintage or donate to charity by all means, but let your generous MIL or any other relatives or friends see them being worn first, they just want to be involved and this way they may feel it is more personal than giving a toy, and generally speaking most people don't like being dictated to as to what to buy/what not to buy for someone's child - sucks the joy out of it.

OP next time instead of spending most of your post slagging off MIL, get to the point.
You will appear rude if you ask for the receipt, and no one will know if you sell items on ebay so you'll probably get away with that one.
If you don't care about appearing rude to your MIL - I don't understand why you started this thread other than to slag off your MIL - in this case don't get so upset when people defend her right to spend her money on whatever she chooses.

Selling stuff he has almost never worn - or never worn, like the dungarees - would be an entirely reasonable and sensible thing to do, @Siamesecatlover.

When my dses were the same age as your son, I did buy a lot of second hand clothing, partly because, at that age, kids tend to grow out of things before they wear them out, so I got some lovely clothes at bargain prices. But for me to be able to buy this stuff second hand, someone had to have bought it new - and I appreciated that.

I do agree with the posters who have said that it wouldn't be unreasonable to put your child in the expensive clothes sometimes - to be absolutely honest, at that age, I rarely found they stained their clothes so badly that they were not fit to sell on second hand, so you could get some wear out of them, and then sell them on.

But, as a granny myself, I do appreciate how frustrating it is to be constantly bought things you don't want or need, instead of things you know your child will enjoy for ages. We have been very careful about consulting our son and DIL before buying things for our grandchild, so that we know that the gifts will be welcomed and will be used for a long time. We love our grandchild, and want to spoil them - but our relationship with our son and DIL matter just as much.

What would your ILs do if you asked for something a bit more expensive - like a big set of Brio railway and trains, or (in years to come) a bike or a climbing frame? This would enable them to spoil their grandchild, whilst giving your son toys which would give him years of pleasure.

I think the best way would be

Dress the baby in the nice things and take pics

Let them get on with being a baby/toddler - If the stuff gets wrecked at nursery or on a walk, so be it! Bin it.

When they get outgrown, and are still nice, sell them and use the cash for what you want.

That's how stuff gets on Vinted in the first place.

If MIL asks about them, say they were worn (pics) then worn out, or outgrown and released.

Sorted.

There are FAR worse things to worry about.

I would send her an equally polite but a "line in the sand" message saying something like this "Hi MiL - it's a shame that you decided against getting DSon toys for Christmas as he is growing so fast and will barely have time to wear the clothes. Also if they are summer clothes and we're now in winter, he'll definitely have outgrown them by next summer. Please can you include gift receipts and make sure the swing tags are with the gift (or post the receipts separately to me) so that we may be in a position to exchange these clothes for a larger size should it be necessary. Without the receipts (and swing tags attached), it will be a lot more problematic and it's very likely that X won't be able to wear them and they'll go unused. He really does like Toy 1/Toy 2/Toy 3 so if you can return the clothes with the tags attached, getting one of those toys would really be best.

One of the rudest suggested messages I have ever seen on this site

@Tandora I agree - that is breathtakingly rude and I'm so glad that I don't know people in real life who would send messages like that.

Let them see baby in the clothes once or twice and then sell the on vinted

No, it's really not the OP's point at all.

The OP and her DH have asked for toys for their kid. Just that. Toys.
The MiL (with a history of thinking she knows better) has decided to shelve that request and gone and bought (or is about to buy) expensive clothes that her grandchild will get very little wear out of, either because the OP and her DH already have coats/jackets/clothes that do work or that the grandchild will grow out of them by the time they will be wearable.

The OP is trying to walk the "In Law Tightrope" in an effort to maintain a relationship with her in-laws but is getting a lot of "YABU" posts here for trying to make all the gifts that her child gets last for as long as possible but the MiL doesn't seem to want to play that game.

If MiL is all about the monetary value of a gift, perhaps suggest that she could contribute to a bank account for your child @Siamesecatlover, that they can really appreciate when they are older.

Its people thinking this sort of thing somehow acceptable that makes me despair. I think some of them think it’s somehow “inspired.”

What this whole thing comes down to is either such desperate, grasping greed that people can’t bear to see money being spent and not divert and control it, or just an even more basic desire to call the shots within the family like “that” teacher who always grabs the megaphone on school sports day.

There isn’t “ a game” to be played here.

Someone has bought a gift that wasn’t inappropriate, wasn’t insulting because that’s what they chose to buy. That’s how gifts work. Can’t stand these people who think people should either follow their dictate to the letter or no one should dare approach them with their offering, or - which is normally they really want - just have the money. It’s not some kind of “ relationship tax.”

“Mil is constantly disrespecting my wishes for baby gifts!!”

OP I think the thing that comes across in your posts is that you feel it is somehow MIL’s job to plug the gap of what you feel your dc needs, and it really isn’t.

Gifts are a bonus ( if you like them! ); they aren’t something you can direct and demand.

You say this is the money which should have been spent on his toys, but it just isn’t.

The fact your own family “obey” is neither here nor there - except perhaps perhaps that’s part of the problem and you are just used to dictating.

What mil is doing is not the same as giving something horrid; those clothes all sound lovely and perhaps she knows you are keen and willing to spend on toys so she wants to make sure he has nice things to wear. Some people grew up with clothes and hand me downs they hated. My friend hates all her childhood photos as she said hates to see how they dressed her as a tiny child. It’s up to mil if she feels that matters for him; her relationship is with him not you, and it’s a gift for him not you. As he gets older it will probably change as he’ll say what he likes.

You of course can - because no one can stop you - not use them or sell them. But I think it’s the wrong attitude that she has somehow “diverted” the cash from its “proper” use.