MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

I don't understand why you aren't just using the clothes and using the money you save on the toys you want. It seems more like jealousy that you can't afford the nice stuff MIL would buy so you'd rather deprive your child of new clothes than accept them graciously.

All I can say is - you're like this over gifts - what will you be like about stuff that matters? Please put things into perspective - your Mil is taking an interest and buying your child gifts how lucky you are that she cares, mother did not buy one single item for my kids - not one, she gave me money to get stuff for them a few times. MIL didn't buy gifts either and that pattern didn't change.

Agreed.

I think she’s telling you your kids look scruffy lol

Totally get you OP. I can see from your last post in particular that your MIL seems like a general boundary stomper and gift giving is just another way for her to exert control. Also imagine it's pretty irritating that a lot of users on here have not read your post properly before commenting as I can see you've asked if it's unreasonable to sell on some of the unwanted gifts to make space for things you need, which IS totally reasonable and loads of people are coming on here saying oh why don't you just accept the gifts and sell them after.....um....that's literally what the OP said herself.

You accepted the mountains of expensive clothes a few times at the start when your son was born and then politely tried to steer PIL towards more useful things for future gifts that are in line with your family values and that will be enjoyed by your son at the age he is now (newsflash - expensive clothes for 1 year olds benefit nobody). PIL have rudely disrespected your values and gone against you to just keep buying things they want. Sadly many PIL seem to think they have a right to do whatever they want with/for their grandchild when actually they should be respecting the boundaries of their children and partners when it comes to grand babies or they will find themselves shut out in future.

Lots of mumsnetters disagreeing with you are probably PIL in the same boat as your in laws and don't see that they are thoroughly irritating.

Her MIL is buying gifts that OP has said several times don't align with her family values. I have a friend who was extremely against buying anything with gender stereotypical patterns for her son like dinosaurs and cars, and was vocal about this, so do you not think it would be pretty disrespectful of me to go and purchase a load of car print outfits and gift them for his birthday when I know it will upset the family?

OP has also said her MIL makes no effort to come and see her grandchild despite trying to arrange this with her. Doesn't sound like she's a great MIL at all and just likes to give gifts to exert dominance rather than because she actually gives a crap about OPs grandchild. If her MIL is the type to burst into the birthing centre while OP is being stitched up 40 mins after birth to take pictures with her newborn baby despite OP telling everyone they didn't want visitors til they were ready, I can TOTALLY see why OP has her back up about the gift giving situation too.

Why is everyone obsessed with MIL on mumsnet and seem to think it's OK to completely disregard the feelings of new parents. Totally bizarre!!

Why is everyone obsessed with MIL on mumsnet and seem to think it's OK to completely disregard the feelings of new parents. Totally bizarre!!

Because we know how new parents can be and we are offering some perspective.

Because how would OP save money if her MIL buys an £80 north face coat thay he can wear for 2 months when her son already has 2 perfectly good coats? Imagine how many useful toys or 2nd hand clothes could be bought for that amount of money!

Maybe you should listen to the perspective of new parents too then!

Use it and then sell it. Throw away the second hand coats or keep them for muddy puddle type days. Let MIL buy her bulk of stuff and then buy what you need in addition. Especially if she's buying newer stuff.

She’s going to buy and as me been a first time new grandparent that’s what we do but daughter has told me the age group she needs and as near the colour as possible, there has been a few I know won’t get worn but that’s ok I really don’t care

OP has said her MIL won't buy the bulk of stuff because she likes to buy few, expensive or impractical items like £80 coats or £60 summer dungarees that will fit her son in December when its freezing cold. Would be a different story if MIL was buying lots of day to day wear from Next or M&S her son could make lots of use of.

OP has also said she's sent her MIL examples of clothes before that would be useful and she has ignore them too so thats whats lead her to the no clothes stance now. Sounds like OP has tried quite hard but her MIL isn't trying at all.

Her kid her rules. PIL don't have a right to do anything when it comes to grandchildren and should be more respectful of parents decisions.

Stick a snowsuit over that dungaree set and wear it to visit friends or anywhere indoor where he might be active. I really think OP is resentful that she will get praise for his lively, good quality clothes and have to reveal she doesn't purchase any of them.

I know money is genuinely tight for them atm, but I think she might be like many parents who think it doesn't matter if kids look scruffy and only deserve hand me.downs as they grow so quickly. It's this fetishism of poverty we see in the gentrified classes.

LOL you literally will find any way possible to protect MIL won't you 🤣🤣

I don't need to protect her. She's buying good quality clothes for her GC. It's the parents who are struggling to provide these basics and then being resentful when others do. She can protect herself.

The parents have tonnes of clothes, just not the ones MIL wants them to have. It's not her kid it's theirs and it doesn't matter what MIL wants their son to wear because he's not her son!!

Oh and just so you're aware - buying 2nd hand doesn't mean not buying quality. I purchase clothes on Vinted for my daughter all the time and my latest purchase was a Ralph Lauren hoody that had never been worn still with tags - cost me £7 vs what would have cost £60 new in store. It's about getting value for money on items that will not be worn for more than a few months and also doing your bit for the environment rather than being a wasteful consumer like everyone else.

This is not something to worry about - just let them buy what they want. It's a short time when your son is this young. The novelty of the cute little clothes will wear off soon and they will stop. Speaking as someone who felt like you. I now feel a bit sad I stopped the grandparents buying the cute clothes they wanted to buy - they won't get chance again. It wouldn't have had any bad effect on me.
One of the grandparents used to turn up with loads of stuff all the time but is now too ill to go shopping.
I've backed off the others and told them to buy whatever they want.
Ultimately the presents are not for you anyway - your child doesn't care now but at his next birthday he will be old enough to have an opinion and might like some of the stuff they give.

If the kid has tonnes of clothes then this thread wouldn't exist. What we know is that OP buys 2nd hand for the kid and MIL buys new. OP wants MIL to buy toys instead. OP could use and then sell the clothes MIL.buus on her beloved Vinted, and then buy toys.

I have seen what some parents think is acceptable to dress their kids in when it comes to old clothes and these aren't even poor people. I can imagine why the MIL is desperate for the child to have something new and decent.

OP isn't buying her kid new stuff with tags on..we both know that.

Sadly many PIL seem to think they have a right to do whatever they want with/for their grandchild when actually they should be respecting the boundaries of their children and partners

They have a right to spend their own money exactly how they wish on their grandchild. That’s a boundary THEY are entitled to have- it’s their money. Nobody is entitled to have their wishes about how someone else spends their money respected.

This is the view of someone who is not a PIL.

You sound ridiculous now!

I think pointing out the few new clothes on Vinted when the OP has made it clear what she favours is ridiculous. We know the kid will be in a faded baby grow with old stains from another baby and she will cut the feet out when baby grows too big for it.

Yes they are absolutely entitled to have a say in how others spend their money if the way they spend their money impacts the family in a negative way. Them spending their money on items the parents have politely expressed do not align with their family values or things they can make much use of and continuing to do so even when they know it upsets people is pure selfishness.

It is no PIL right to spend their money on unwanted gifts that the recipient family has to blindly accept and store in their house when they have said its not stuff they need. If PIL are so obsessed with spending their money on impractical expensive clothing why don't they buy it and store it at their own house and maybe the day that they bother to arrange to see their grandchild they can dress him in that outfit for the day.