MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

OP you really have divided the mumsnetters today-grandparents getting joy out of getting whatever they want regardless if it's needed/wanted/will be used Vs parents doing the hard graft of day to day parenting under financial and other pressures 😀

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here

grandparents have done all that parent thing and they now want to be extravagant and not worry about the money!!

accept the gifts in good grace - keep what you want and sell the rest. This is actually a job for your DH and if he won’t have the conversation then just accept the situation and move on

grandparents have done all that parent thing and they now want to be extravagant and not worry about the money!!

It's no excuse to deliberately cause stress and inconvenience for no valid reason, especially as GPs have more time than hardworking parent trying to juggle all the balls in the air, to then have to naff around taking unwanted gifts back.

Oh for god sake buying a few expensive baby outfits hardly causes “stress”.

Why not look at it that YOU as parents provide the "NEEDS".
They can then provide WTF they like and it's a bonus. Because at the moment you are grabby.

You can suggest to people ideas for presents but frankly in the end if they want to get something then it is up to them. And really you have no other choice other than to be grateful. If they do buy some nice clothes, does it really hurt you that much to just put him in them once or twice? As you say, you can sell them on Vinted afterwards.

I don't even understand your MIL's motivation. If your child was older and liked certain types of clothes that you weren't keen on, I could see why a grandparentsmight go against your wishes, knowing that your child would like the gift. But your child is far too young to have any clothing preferences but is old enough to like playing with toys. Why on earth wouldn't she buy something that your child needs and will enjoy?

How is it grabby not to want an £80 North Face coat for a 1 year old? It's a waste of money and as the child has already got 2 winter coats, it probably won't even be worn very often. OP would prefer her child to receive some age appropriate toys that cost less than that.

She knows you didn't want clothes but is just ignoring you. Don't out LO in them to pacify her (she will just do it more!) I would just ask her to include receipts and if she asks, tell her the clothes have gone back ... she has zero right to be annoyed as you told everyone not to get clothes

Thanks for the contributions on this post - I won't be responding further as i dont have the time but thank those that bothered to read my OP and what I was asking was unreasonable or not which was whether selling on any gifts we receive that we don't want or need is ok so we can make space and money for things our son can actually use and enjoy. Not whether the actions themselves of my MIL were unreasonable (newsflash I accepted a while ago she wasn't going to change after trying to explain my feelings multiple times).

Sadly I've come away feeling very disheartened about the number of people who view gift giving as an entirely selfish act and anyone receiving any gift no matter what it is or whether they've expressed personal wishes or values as to what their family will or won't need should just shut up, roll over and be eternally grateful - because it's not about the recipient but 100% about the giver only. I'll have to remember that next time I decide to gift a pack of meat to my vegan friends.

I should have expected this really from MIL since after all she was the same woman who showed up at the birthing centre whilst I was away being stitched up 40 mins after birth and took photos with my newborn baby despite us expressing our wishes for nobody to come to the hospital until we had said we were ready for visitors. Silly me for thinking my values and desires might matter a smidge in our relationship but based on most of the views of mumsnet I've wholeheartedly realised I'm wrong on that now.

Goodnight all.

Yep! Second that!

This

I take it this is your first child? If I was you I’d realise that people buy gifts they like for the person they are buying it for, you can’t control what family buy for your child. You sound a bit ridiculous tbh. This is going to cause you many problems especially when at some point you are going to need babysitters.. don’t cut your nose off to spit your face. Plus a wee north face jacket is good resale value so when he grows out of it, it’s an extra bit of cash back.. I wouldn’t keep this up long term this will impact your child. I have been this way with my first (for first 2 years) hence I’m being blunt wish someone had set me straight back then (now a mum of 3 and trust me more kids you have the less gifts for children you receive) in long term in my situation being this up tight really didn’t do me any favours.. just a bit of advice from my own experience of being an uptight first time mum. By 3rd child these things seem so petty tbh and I am ashamed I did as you are doing. Grand parents and family members can buy the things you don’t and that is ok. Even if it’s stuff you do not need.. your child will appreciate in the future. Plus childrens clothes is expensive if you have family willing to buy this for you all, then maybe stop buying as much clothes and save that money instead.. think of long term instead of short

That's what MILs are for. Let her do what she wishes, it is her money. The problem you have with her is nothing compared to what some mums have with MILs.

My gosh, just use them! If they want to buy them, save your money and just buy some of the toys you wanted.

I send my children to an outdoor nursery in anything we have and that includes the LWC, Boden, Trotters etc (new, hand me downs, Vinted, it’s all the same) to me it’s not a big deal and if they get ruined, so be it as clothes are for wearing.

I would much rather have gifts of clothes than the inevitable plastic tat - that will annoy you much more as time goes by. If PIL get grumpy that the clothes are used and become stained - they will stop buying them anyway.

Bloody frustrating

They grow out of stuff so quickly

I would sell the stuff on if they persist

Smile graciously and then regift - some people like expensive clothes.

I regret taking this stance with my MIL and realise now (10+ years later) that it was hurtful to her and bloody minded on my part. By all means, say clothes aren't necessary but if you're given them, be gracious and make sure she sees DC in at least one outfit. Sell the rest if you need the money, but if you don't then just use them. It is probably your Mil's way of showing love.

It is tricky, I agree with you about the wastefulness of new clothes for babies but I just felt guilty when my now one year old didn't get the wear out of them. That's the choice of the giver to buy something that the baby will quickly grow out of... I'd try and enjoy the clothes whilst they fit and definitely sell them afterwards. I agree that it is definitely annoying her ignoring specific suggestions of toys if that's what your little one needs. it is abit undermining. To be generous would be to take it that she just enjoys buying clothes for the GC and leave it at that. I've had a run in with my MIL for buying my one year old a toy kitchen which is for 3+.they should have checked first before buying a big and inappropriate gift. So I feel your frustration.

Babies and young children are not in clothes very long they grow so quickly, but let her spend her money as she pleases to do and if your wee one doesn’t get to wear them does she need to know? Nope I’m all for Vinted and Charity shops as I understand throwaway fashion even in the wee ones . And even though it’s a White Company purchase it will probably have been made in the same sweatshop as Asda,Next M&S , Primark, Shien TEMU and many others let her buy away .

You do know that you can’t ask a question on MN and then expect everyone to agree with you, don’t you? And please don’t say you don’t because every answer that is against you, you’ve argued with! If the majority say you’ve been unreasonable, then take it as read that you are and move on.

I don't think she is being disrespectful. A gift is a gift for her grandchild for her to choose what she wants to buy, that's one of the nicest things about buying gifts. If she was buying something dangerous or inappropriate I could understand, but she isn't as far as I can see from your post. Let her be a grandma and enjoy her grandchild as she wants to. I really don't think it's worth causing upset. You might want to suggest she gets variety of sizes or larger sizes explaining that they grow so fast and there are few opportunities for "best" clothes to be worn so you are finding some of the clothes don't get worn often or at all which is a bit of waste. But I would do it kindly and let her enjoy buying the things she wants to. She probably enjoys wandering round the shops choosing things for your child x

You sound quite ridiculous……you shouldn’t be dictating what a GP spends their money on unless they specifically asked. No one wants to be told, we were told no more gifts just money and it took the joy out of birthdays etc for us as we liked choosing things.

I would just ask her for the receipts. "Thanks gran but can I have the receipts in case he outgrows any of the outfits before he gets to wear them. That would be such a waste." Then return them and buy what you think would be best for the baby. It's a bit annoying but you are also fortunate to have that problem. My daughter had no living grandparents 😢 Not a one ,so your child is really lucky.