MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

@Siamesecatlover

Ignore the posters op.

It's incredibly wasteful to buy items you said you don't need.

And expensive ones when the money could be better spent.

I would try and sell them as a bundle on ebay and buy toys. Yes of course it's disrespectful, you are asking for one thing and she is saying she is choosing to do something else entirely.

I asked if it was unreasonable to want to sell on the unwanted items after they were gifted so we could purchase more suitable thing. I've accepted she is going to do what she wants now as I've tried hard to suggest things that would be of use to our son and family and am continually ignored so that wasn't the point of my post.

Most gifts are a bit rubbish. It’s the thought that counts. Clothes are always well intentioned re children. If you really don’t like them, pass them on.

Is your mil offended, I missed that. Her being offended is a separate issue than you saying she's being disrespectful etc

The more you post the more tedious you sound. You say MIL does not see alot of Grandchild, I think it's she does not want to see alot of you. I can't blame her there.

Omg the pack is out in force today 😂🤣

Op you could have said mil is insisting on gifting baby 1000 sacks of potatoes and they would have said your mean and ungrateful

She would be very offended if she knew how much of the stuff she's given us I have not used at all but ive kept quiet up til now. I've sold a few things already but have felt bad previously selling things others have bought for us but I'm over that now and will be selling anything unsuitable going forward as I have bigger things to worry about in life than my MILs ego.

It certainly seems that way....

Initially I thought you were being unreasonable - but reading your posts, I can see where you are coming from.

Money DH is out of work. You have one income coming in. You have clothes. You would prefer things you don't already have- like toys.

£80 is loads to spend on toys and instead you have yet another jacket.

I'm guessing MIL likes buying clothes. It's her thing, she likes browsing etc this could be for a million reasons- maybe she couldn't afford to dress her own children and so is therefore projecting... Or she could just really like it.

You aren't going to change her. But maybe embrace it- ask her if she could focus on clothes for your son for next year- say, a jacket, shoes, boots etc or a birthday outfit or something to wear at Easter etc that could be a win win.

Just sell them on, she won't listen it's you having to manage all of this so just sell.

And when you become a mil if your lucky enough just ask what they want and don't force stuff on them.

OP your own money worries have made you a bit bratty.

Your in-laws are giving your DS gifts. It isn’t about money you are otherwise entitled to.

“Forcibly bestow” 😂😂 only on mumsnet and only from a MIL could gift giving be perceived as such a violating and offensive act 🤪

Collaborate with her. Tell her you need a set of waterproofs, or a 'good' outfit for a particular occasion etc flatter her by saying you love the clothes but really need an idea of what she is likely to get so there is no doubling up. And this is really the point I think.... And then don't get those things.

I'm shocked at the churlishness of this post. Yes, it would be great if everyone bought you exactly what you wanted and needed but life isn't like that. Your MIL wants to have a little fun buying sweet clothes for her grandson. Would it really hurt to let her do that and let him wear that?
Buy what you need for your son on vinted or whatever (that is in fact your role - to buy him what he actually needs) but don't act like a brat when people don't buy him what you want them to, just accept the gift and the sentiment behind it and move on. There's nothing "disrespectful" about it. Absolute nonsense.

Could you ask MIL to size up the clothing.

so if you know she is going to buy for DS's first birthday in Dec, could she buy clothes for a 2yo, as they often start wearing clothes long before the size on the garment. Sounds like she isn't thinking about how children's sizes work and you need to give her a prompt. Also ask her for a gift receipt for the clothes in case she ignores your request and you can at least exchange it for the size you want.

i think you need to compromise on this one rather than being a broken record about not wanting clothes - your MIL is being a bit stubborn and won't listen to you, so you'll have to work round the situation,

She obviously likes buying baby clothes.

Could you direct her to something more appropriate but still clothing?

Coats are good. If she's going to spend money, there's at least a bit more wear in a coat.

If you get her into this now you'll never have to worry about coats in the future 🤣

Just pick up toys second hand instead. You can sell on the clothes on vinted later and use the money to buy second hand toys.

Get enough for Christmas (at one he won't need a lot) and then trade up the clothes later. At least then you won't have so much to store.

It’s obviously annoying that they are just wasting their money but these are gifts and you’re losing sight of that a bit. Since they are paying, they really can pick whatever they like! Just quietly return them to the store or, better, gently ask for gift receipts and say you have too many of an item. I think when people are buying you White Company baby clothes they’ve chosen themselves it’s a bit ungracious to openly indicate that you don’t want them, even if you are drowning in baby hats etc.

Just sell them on vinted, if they are expensive with tags on you can get a decent price which will go towards toys etc that you need.
If MIL rarely sees him and he would've grown out of the clothes in that time then no stress!

Actually there is a thing which I call "weaponised present giving". There is actually a thread running about dreadful Christmas gift, with the gift giver clearly going out of their way to give presents designed to frustrate or offend or show how little they think of the receiver.

The MIL categorically refuses to buy what @Siamesecatlover has reasonably asked for. It would be no skin off her nose to buy toys, it's no additional cost or hassle to do it. The only possible reason is that she wants to exert control, and doesn't think the child's parents should have any say in the matter. Utterly ridiculous and counterproductive.

Op, I get you. You know what your MIL is doing, and she knows it too. It’s control and boundary pushing disguised as “kindness”

My mum did the same. Endless money wasted on tat I’d said 100x we didn’t want, need or have space for. I took it all down the charity shop and have since gone NC (for various reasons, not just this).

sympathies x

I literally love my MIL, but the point of gifts is that everyone has different tastes and you’re buying clothes for children that aren’t yours. You can’t dictate if they ever get worn. My MIL doesn’t care if I exchange gifts for my DS or DD, she’d rather I got something they’ll get use out of. My own mum doesn’t seem to understand she can’t dictate what clothes my kids wear.

I totally get you, OP, this would drive me nuts. It’s a total waste, you need different stuff and it’s a drain on your time to sell on/donate. My bil used to buy us bonkers presents and it was stuff HE liked, not us. It was all about what he would want with zero thought as to what we’d like. I think she is disrespectful particularly when you’re in a tricky financial situation and she’s buying a 1 year old a North Face jacket, which makes HER happy. It’s not about the recipient being pleased, it’s about her satisfaction.

If this was about someone’s dp buying them stuff the dp liked buying, there’d be an outcry, not pp telling you to stop being ungrateful. I’d be honest with her and tell her you will donate it all, sorry, but she hasn’t listened to you so tough.

wild to assume this.

You have i think hit the nail on the head here

Yes I completely agree with this. It's so easy for the MIL to just buy something that is needed/ will be used but continues to ignore OP. Its never about the 'thing' as in this case clothes but other issues like asserting control.