MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

You are really missing op’s point!

The ops point is she doesn’t like her in-laws. She expects them to pay for all the toys she wants because her husband won’t work because he is “building a business”

the more she posts the more ungrateful she sounds. You can ask people to buy something you can’t demand they do.

Sorry are we reading the same thread. What are you talking about. I responded talking about the fact I can't often dress my child in things she buys for him when she sees him because she doesn't make effort to see him. What part of that response is making me seem "worse and worse" and controlling? Please enlighten me.

OP said she has had the conversation telling the MIL what to buy at least 3 times now and the baby is 11 months! To me that is really over the top going on about it, the child hasn’t even had a birthday yet!

So any time the grandmother has picked up a cute outfit she seen while out the OP has said “no in future please buy X instead” it’s just weird to me.

Wow you sound like a nasty person!

We get it anyone who doesn’t agree your mother in law is awful is nasty!

🤣🤣🤣

73% of people think YABU. It’s not @Sirzy who sounds like a nasty person. Maybe take some time for some self-reflection?

To be fair to that poster, I think it was pretty factual what they said. I dont think it made them nasty.

We've had the conversation multiple times because she will often send links for clothes she wants to buy to me and then I respond saying oh thanks this looks cute but we already have two of those so how about XYZ. I've tried giving her alternative options for clothes that we actually need and she ignores them. I've therefore now resorted to the hard stance of saying no clothes and giving alternative suggestions and if she does continue buying them and they are unsuitable due to not being the right size or season then I am going to be returning and using the money for things we do need right now.

Yanbu - the clothes when you don’t need them are wasteful whereas toys would actually be used. Also babies don’t enjoy nice clothes but will enjoy the toys. Go ahead and sell them BNWT. If MIL never sees the baby wearing them she might start to appreciate that she needs to listen to what you’ve said.

My mil always gets dc about 10 new plush toys. Do we need them? No, dc has over 100 now. We don't have the space and it's getting inconvenient . Could we use something else? Probably.

But they're bought with love and joy. Would I ever mention anything? Of course not.

It sounds like you've systematically said no instead of graciously accepting one or two of the suggestions and maybe pushing back on another.
You're robbing her of all joy of giving and just being ungrateful.

It's a shame but you just don't get it.

Relax. Put him in the expensive clothes and let him get on with being a kid. Have some nice pics of him in them before he wrecks them.

OP, can I ask whether you are the same poster whose DH goes on lots of holidays with his family, leaving you at home with the baby and who wants to treat his parents to expensive holidays abroad for their birthdays which you can't attend?

If your MIL doesn't bother to see her grandchild very often but insists on buying expensive but unnecessary clothing for him, I can see why this is annoying, particularly as your household now completely relies on your wage,

But is it weird? To have a DDil who feels comfortable enough to tell you directly what she would like instead of clothes which her child doesn't need. One way of building relationships is to be open and honest obviously.

Yes thank the in laws for being caring but it would go a long way to listen to what is being asked for-and the OP has asked 3 times so would go a long way to actually listen!

if she does continue buying them and they are unsuitable due to not being the right size or season then I am going to be returning and using the money for things we do need right now. @Siamesecatlover

I don't think refunds work like that, they usually go back on the original payment card.

But also, you're not actually entitled to gifts, your inlaws don't owe you anything and their gifts aren't a source of income or a bank!

You're right and I would rather not receive any gifts at all than those which I've explicitly said we would prefer not to receive for our son as it leaves us with the hassle of figuring out what we do with unwanted items. If my in laws don't owe me anything as you say then I imagine you'd agree it works the same way the other way round and they won't mind me selling everything they give us that we don't want? I don't owe them anything either after all.

Unbelievably rude. Your MIL isnt a mail order catalogue, that doesn’t mean you don’t owe her basic politeness. Of course you owe her that. If someone gives you a gift you graciously accept it and say thank you. If you don’t want it you pass it on (without letting the gifter know of course). These are basic manners.

(also btw the gifts are for your child).

Yabu by not being gracious in accepting their gifts in the first place.
And yes I do agree they shouldn't mind you selling their gifts, you can do what you want with them.
That's not the point is it, it's about how ungrateful and entitled you're coming across.

Perhaps a better way to help you look at it is to not focus on what the gift is, but rather appreciate they are gifting you something, which you can then sell on.

Who said anything about not being polite. All I've been is polite. What's impolite about me choosing to sell unwanted gifts we receive which we did let people know we would rather not have in advance but they rather impolitely ignored us and got it anyway because that's what they wanted? And yes you're right the gifts are for my son, who is turning 1, who doesn't even know it's his birthday or Christmas and can't appreciate gifts aside from those he can play with and get enjoyment from. Anything else that's given is given to the family / parents as they will be the ones who will have to use it and said parents have already expressed their feelings regarding waste etc but are continually ignored. Sounds like most of mumsent are selfish gift givers who think wholly about themselves and never about whether the recipient of a gift will appreciate it!

I get the feeling that whatever they do would be wrong.

You still not prepared to take any ownership OP? None at all?

You really don’t engage in much self reflection do you?

Despite all the feedback you continue to believe you’re entitled to receive gifts of your own choosing and that your MIL is “selfish” for not providing these.

I don’t think there’s much more anyone can say.

Your poor MIL.

I have this with my mum. It used to annoy me a lot but now I've accepted it's her way of expressing affection. No point fighting over something like this imo.

OK cool so by your logic it's totally up to the gift giver to force ably bestow something upon the receiver that they want to give regardless of whether that person will appreciate it? I think then I will purchase a lurid neon green jumper in the wrong size for my MIL for Xmas and be extremely offended if she doesn't wear it or for some mad reason wants to return it.

OP, why did you post in 'Am I Being Unreasonable' if you are not willing to consider the fact that you might be?